I'm So Proud of You.

"I know things get hard, but girl you got  it, girl you got it, there you go."

So in case you didn't know, I got the title to this entry and above quote from Drake's song "Make Me Proud" from his "Take Care" album. It's catchy and I feel like some random lines can apply to me personally. I just want to sum up my feelings about 2011 since it's almost over. It's literally been a difficult year. Most people wouldn't have even known anything was wrong with me because I was able to phase it off for the most part. I tried to laugh and smile and keep with the normal routine of life because "life goes on" as they say.
I'm proud of myself especially after this year. I don't know if anyone else can notice what I've noticed because they are not inside my head, but I've gotten through this year to my surprise.
I'm not even kidding when I say that I look back at this year and think about how I even made it through some of the stuff. I know I've mentioned this in a few blogs before, but I'm still in shock. I sometimes think about it in depth and I just don't even know how I managed to cope with pain and still continue on.
I didn't do it all on my own, but I did find so much strength in myself this year. So many times I've had to give myself "motivational speeches" in my head and push myself through the day. So many times I cried and then picked myself back up from those low points. So many times I went running on campus just so the emotional pain would go away as I got my mind off the situation. So many times I just wanted to break down and give up.
I do want to thank the people who were there for me this year when I needed someone to talk to, some advice, laughter, good times, support, or a shoulder to cry on. Your kind words and care have meant so much to me and it makes me tear up writing this because I'm not sure how I would have been okay in certain situations if I wasn't around those certain people or able to contact certain people right at a particular moment.
Thank you Ashley & Aryon (if you read this!) for being by my side especially at Starbucks that day. I really don't know how I could have handled that situation and pain without you both being so caring. It was so great to have the fun and happiness of hanging out with both of you as a distraction, so that I wouldn't be alone dealing with all the pain. Thank you to my sister, Leila, for answering the phone when I called you crying and hurting so badly. I'm so grateful that I had you to help me get through some of the drama. I know you were really worried about me and it means a lot that you cared that much. Thanks to my mom for being there when I called you (crying as well) and needing someone to talk to. I'm so thankful you were there to listen and make sure I was okay.
And an extremely HUGE thank you to someone who probably will never read this, but who has made the biggest impact on me while at UWG. Although she wasn't around when all the actual drama was occuring, she played a big part of me realizing so much about myself and helping me gain more strength.

I've really learned so much about myself throughout the year as well. I've grown in certain ways. I've learned that I can ALWAYS depend on myself and a lot of people don't even deserve my time or attention. I've learned I'm really much more different than most people than I even thought I was. I'm not like everyone else and I like that about myself. It can be difficult at certain times in life, but I know in the end it'll be worth it to stay true to myself. This stress and bad occurance has made me more able to handle stressful situations. I used to get so worried about small things in life. I wouldn't know what to do in situations that didn't go as planned or my way. Now, I am so much better at handling those stressful situations. I work through them and realize it's not worth the stress because I already made it through some difficult stuff. This has also surprised me about myself. Instead of dwelling on issues, I try to solve them or think about the positive.

I know I still have a lot to figure out and growing to do, but I'm still proud of myself for making it through some of the hardest timesI've faced.
I know things will continue to be a struggle, but I'm more confident now that I can get through.

I might go through a lot of stress, but I'm going to come out of it shining...Pressure Makes Diamonds.

you're not worth it.

I wonder when or even IF I'll ever be on someone's priority list (not talking about my family because I know I make their list). I feel like I give and give and give and give and no one really cares to do much for me. I hardly ever ask for much. I'm pretty low maintence for a girl if you compare me to others. It's getting really frustrating. People shouldn't take advantage of nice people like me who give their all in friendships and relationships.
Maybe I'm picky, but I'm sorry a lot of people will never be good enough for me as close friends or as a significant other. It's not that I think I'm this super attractive and perfect person with all the best qualities. Not true...I'm sure I'm disliked or hated by people even though that doesn't really matter to me anyway. I know I'm not conceited, but what makes me feel that people don't deserve me is the fact at how far I'm willing to go to take care of the ones I care about or love when I know that hardly anyone will give that same treatment back to me. Trust me, I've seen it plenty of times. I'm tired of caring so much about people who hardly could care about what happens to me.

That's fine. Lose a good friend. Lose a good girlfriend.
I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I know what I would do for someone I care and love. I know what kind of personality I have. I know I would never betray someone or be unfaithful. I know my drive and determination will lead me in the right direction. I know that I am rare and genuine just like a read diamond.
If you are not willing to notice that and care enough to be good to me then...

...You're not worth it and you definitely don't deserve me.

So with that said...please don't come to me in the future when I'm successful and doing really well ON MY OWN in life and act like you care.

Learn from Mistakes!

What is vicarious learning?

Observational learning (also known as vicarious learning, social learning, or modeling) is a type of learning that occurs as a function of observing, retaining and replicating novel behavior executed by others.
--Wikipedia

I've probably mentioned the fact that people should learn from other people's mistakes before, but I want to elaborate on this idea. It seems as though a LOT and I mean a majority of people do NOT learn vicariously. I know that I learn this way, especially when it comes to making decisions in life.

I see it like this...There are 3 types of people when it comes to vicariously learning & mistakes. (In my opinion and from observing people)

1.) People like me see mistakes made by other people and make a decision to not make those same mistakes so they don't end up in the same bad situations. We learn to avoid those mistakes since we already know the outcome. We avoid those bad consequences all together by PREVENTING them from ever occuring. Therefore, we don't have to deal with all the drama and heartache that goes along with those consequences. Now doesn't that sound nice?
2.) Then there are those people (most people) that have plenty of examples of bad situations that occured from mistakes made in life, but they still choose to make those EXACT SAME MISTAKES that the others before them have. These people even know what the outcome could possibly be, yet they just can't put two and two together to learn vicariously. So finally, after this type of person makes a terrible mistake, they finally learn a lesson.
3.) Finally there are those people who just will NEVER get it. They've seen others make mistakes that can be detrimental. They've made the mistakes on their own and faced the consequences, BUT they decide to continue to make those same mistakes over and over and over again for whatever reason. It's this type of person that I really don't pity much. If you know what you are doing is wrong and will lead to bad things, then why would you set yourself up for failure again?! I just don't get it. I don't get person #2, but I really don't get person #3.

People confuse me. The end.

You're a Mean One...Mr. Grinch

I really have this big annoyance with people who are CONSTANTLY negative. I don't think those people realize how their negative energy is contagious. Therefore, I definitely try to surround myself with positive and uplifting people. Now, it's totally okay to complain or be upset about something. Everyone gets in those moods including myself. I get so angry at the world and just want to scream at pretty much everyone sometimes, but I try to still stay very positive. Even when things were going so badly for me I was laughing, smiling, and NOT trying to bring others down.
People always say "fml" and to be honest it disgusts me (unless you're honestly joking). Really?! Is your life that terrible that you have to say "fml" for every bad situation in your life. Things aren't always going to go your way because we don't have control over all the variables in life, but do you really need to hate your life because of that? Stop complaining and trying to bring everyone else down with you and do something about it!
I think it's really important to be positive and have a good attitude towards most situations because like I said, I think it's contagious. This is one of my reasons I try to treat everyone so nicely even if they don't reciprocate the same treatment toward me. I think that maybe eventually it'll rub off onto them and maybe they'll start being the same way because of the contagious energy. It's like the story/movie, The Grinch. He is so negative and hateful, but when he see that one person cares about him, he starts to change.

I also feel like good friends are ones that help keep you in check. People who have read my blog before or who have even had a convo with me have probably heard me talk about my sister a lot, but I can relate this situation to her as well. One great thing about us as sisters and as best friends is that we keep each other in check. We both have expectations for each other. We expect the other one to succeed, work hard, try her best, stay strong against peer pressure, and be herself. We have a selfless relationship because we truly care about each other's feelings, happiness, and success.  Then there are "friends" or acquantinces that have somewhat of a selfish relationship with you. They just see what they can get out of you. If they are down, they want to bring you down with them because "misery loves company"! They pressure you to do things that you generally might not what to do on your own, but they want you to be on their level. Maybe it's a way to boost their self esteem if they see you can lower your standards to meet them at their low points. Not good friends though, they will be the ones holding you accountable and pushing you to succeed and do the most you can to reach success. Those type of friends are very rare, so if you find them be sure to cherish them.

Time.

I just wrote yesterday, but I feel the need to post again because a lot of thoughts are on my mind again. Plus, the song I'm going to post just came on shuffle on my Ipod. It's an amazing, true, and emotional song if you listen to the lyrics.

Time is precious because you only have so much of it and you can't take it back unfortunately. So, use it wisely.

Time: Ne-Yo

How come you don't make time for me anymore?
That's the last thing she said to you
And now when you call she don't answer anymore
Or the line is busy and you can't get through

In the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes
In the time it would take to dial the phone
In the time it will take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone,

she's moved on

To someone who takes the time
Her love wasn't a priority to you
You had other things on your mind

And now that it's much to little and so far too late
The busy signals all that's left behind
You're all alone
In the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes
In the time it would take to dial the phone
In the time it will take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone, she's moved on
To someone who takes the time

Hey, no one knows what they have until they don't
And by then it doesn't matter anymore.

You're all alone.

In the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes
In the time it would take to dial the phone
And the time it would take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone (she'll be gone)
In the time it will take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone, she's moved on
Hang up the phone...



Realization.

I learned some more stuff about myself yesterday and maybe it was stuff that I somewhat knew, but yesterday really reassured some things for me. Lately I have felt like not many people care, not many people make the effort, in fact a lot of people won't even make HALF the effort I do. People forget things, forget about me, blow me off, or lie to me. It sucks because so many people want to find people who are "real", good friends, trustworthy, etc. but when it comes to themself they don't even have thosse traits. So why in the world do they want someone like that when they aren't even that type of person? People always say "you can trust me", but NO I can't. LOTS of people and I mean a vast majority of people are just big talkers. They say their trustworthy and a good friend or boyfriend/girlfriend, but in actuality they aren't. I KNOW for a fact that I can trust myself and anyone can trust me. I know for sure that my word is good and it sucks because almost everyone I have met in my life except for my sister has gone back on their words or broken their promises or lied to me in a bad way. What is it with me being so different than everyone else? Why do I care so much to treat people right and stay true to them? I have no idea. It makes me mad though because I feel like I will NEVER EVER EVER get that same treatment in return. People constantly fail me and trust me I'll remember it.
I hate that I know I'll put all my effort into a friendship or relationship or anything I care about in my life, but I can't get that same respect in return. Even if the person says they will or makes promises, I can guarantee they don't have as much value as my word does.
I've even had someone tell me "Oh, well I lied" when I confronted this person about things they promised in the past. You can't just say "I lied" as an excuse. Who the hell do you think you are?
I've also heard from a few people "Oh, I won't hurt you". BLAH BLAH BLAH. You lied again.
And then others want me to make promises and hold true to my word so badly and I do, but then they go and act like I never existed. Thanks for giving me the same respect. I really appreciate the double standards.

I very rarerly if ever go back on my word. If I say I'm going to do something, I do it especially if it's for another person. I feel like no one realizes that. Why should I give a damn about other people when they don't give a damn about me? I'm always thinking of others. I'm always missing time I had once spent with people. I'm always wishing I could see certain people. I'm always thinking of how I can make other people happy because I just love the feeling of knowing I made someone smile or brighten their day.

I don't do this type of stuff in order to get things in return. I have never been like that, but it would be nice to know that some people care some for me like I do for them. And it's like if these people were to do the stuff I do for them or were to tell me how they thought of me or something, I would be so thankful and appreciative.

My personality is so different compared to all these people. I have a lot going on in my life too. I deal with it. I have a lot of things to do and dates to remember and stresses in my life. Yet, I can still remember others. Not many people seem to do that. Their minds are all over the place. After talking with someone yesterday who is on the very same page as me, I've realized that I'm just a rare kind and it's hard to understand why.

I'm just going to say that people can only take so much, myself included. If one day I'm cold and don't care anymore, then that is because I've been pushed so far. I'm tired of being let down. Honestly, it'll be your loss.

At the end of the day, I know I did what was right.

Thankful.

Although it may be cliche to make a list of what I'm thankful for during the Thanksgiving season, I feel that it's important for people to find what they are thankful for and take time to notice the positives in life. Sometimes I feel that around this time of year until after Christmas, people get really overwhelmed by the commercial aspects of these holidays when it should be much more than that. Yes, it's fun shopping and doing the gift stuff and all that, but it's deeper than that I think. Ever since I was young I felt this connection with Thanksgiving and Christmas because it just had this warm feeling. Everything from decorating the housewith holiday music on, to putting lights up outside with my dad every year and trying to do something really different, to the baking treats with my sister, or wrapping the gifts that I know will really surprise someone, or seeing the cheer that some people have during the holidays, or the feeling of the air when I can say "It feels like Thanksgiving/Christmas day", or watching the classic holiday movies on t.v. even though I've seen them all so many times, to the regular traditions that we've had every year...it all gets me excited and it's hard to describe the feeling.

Anyway like I said, it's important to be thankful not only on Thanksgiving, but all the time. We get so stuck on complaining and be so negative about pretty much EVERYTHING, that we don't even take time to realize the really good things that we should appreciate.
So, here's my list of what I'm thankful for:
1.) The fact that I have always stayed true to myself and for my strength for helping me become who I am.
2.) The way I was raised.
3.) Having a job and being able to make my own money.
4.) Being able to attend college and get a degree
5.) Not having to worry about food, having clean clothes, clean water to shower with, not having electricity, etc.
6.) My pets (past & present) because they seriously are there for me in more ways than they will ever know. They provide/have provided so much joy in my life. For the ones that have passed, I am so happy I was able to have them in my life even if for a short time because they brought so many good memories & happiness throughout my childhood.
7.) My family for being so supportive and bringing me up the way I am. I am so glad to have both my parents alive & in my life.
8.) My sister because she honestly is my greatest friend and I can't even imagine my life without her. We have gotten so close over the past few years & I'm so lucky to have her in my life.
9.) My real friends (the very few I have). This includes some new friends I have recently made. Some people have been so helpful, caring, and have tried to help me get through some stuff and have fun as well. I have really needed that.
10.) A certain person at UWG for helping me get through so much when I was feeling the lowest. She has opened my eyes to some of my great qualities and who I am. She made me see some light again when I was in a dark and lonely tunnel. Things may still be hard and I may not know what the future holds, but because of her I have been able to gain more strength. That's the one good thing that came out of all this mess.
11.) My health. I am so grateful that I hardly have to worry about health issues at the current moment. So thankful that I have use of all my limbs & can function without any type of assistance. I can walk with both legs, see, hear, talk, move, breathe, and etc. so I'm so thankful I am generally healthy!

Give Thanks :)

If you're reading this and you celebrate Thanksgiving, then I hope you have a Safe & Happy Thanksgiving AND...THANKS for reading :D

Attached & Indecisive...

I've known that I don't take big changes very easily unless I'm really comfortable and have control in those changes. I also have known that I'm very indecisive when it comes to a lot of decisions I have to make (big or small). It's not that I like someone making decisions for me, because I don't, like I said I like to be in control of what goes on in my life. However, I spend SO much time outweighing pros & cons for almost EVERYTHING that it gets time consuming. It really is exhausting to constantly have your mind process every decision. I feel like it's similar to that movie with Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston, Along Came Polly. Ben is someone who like sees the risks in doing certain things in life with some computer program. My mind is just like that. I try to see what the outcome will be of a certain option in my life. I mean for crying out loud, I literally take 5 minutes to decide what I want from a vending machine or at an ice cream shop.
"Should I try something new?...But what if I don't like something new?...Well you always get that one, so try something different?...Should I even be getting this?...Yes, because you haven't had any in a long time so it's okay...Yea, but you're trying to save money & it's not healthy..." and so on. It's just like the little angel and devil in my head except I don't know which one is right because it's not like my choices are good vs. bad.
So now imagine, if making decisions that deal with choosing ice cream flavors is difficult for me, then think of how hard it is for me to make up my mind for what I want to do in life. BIG HEADACHE
I know I want to be successful and as a matter of fact I know I will be no matter what because I never settle for less when it comes to what I can do. It's just what to do right after college. I honestly don't feel I'm ready to graduate in April 2012. That's so scary! I don't know if I'm ready to just graduate in the spring, have summer to prepare, and then start teaching in the fall. I feel as if I need more time to get everything together and compose myself. School has caused so much burnout and wear on me that I kind of just want a small break. Then, on the other hand I REALLY don't want to leave West GA. This is where the "attached" part comes in. I'm tired of doing school work and being really stressed, but I'm going to miss UWG so much if I leave in April. To be honest I just want to stay and I find it soooooo strange. I remember I wanted to just graduate so quickly just so I could be back in my hometown with all the people I knew & loved there, but once some big changes happened this year, my thoughts have somewhat reveresed. I know I'm going to miss the smallest things that people don't realize and take for granted. It might sound stupid to some people, but I get attached really easily to things that seem so miniscule or unimportant. I'm going to miss going to that gym and taking those zumba classes. I'm going to miss going to that animal shelter because they know me so well. I'm going to miss walking on UWG's campus. I'm going to miss UWG buildings. I'm going to miss the schools and teachers that I met while student teaching. I'm going to miss the few friends I've made. I'm going to miss doing Love Not Litter. I'm going to miss the one person who truly helped me see the greatness in myself and who probably had the greatest impact on me while in college. I'm going to miss the events. I'm going to miss the some of the routines I had while at UWG. I'm going to miss the drive to UWG, even though it seems like a hassle now. I even passed some of my old residence halls on campus the other night & I just thought about how much I missed living in those places because it was somewhat of a comfort to me. I know that probably sounds so weird, but I'm just attached.
So now I'm stuck deciding when I want to start teaching, what I want to get my Masters degree in, when I want to get my Masters, where I want to get my Masters, where do I want to live in the future, if I should stay at UWG to get my Masters, and more.

I guess it's good that I worry over this because it means I care and it means I want to do the best I can in life. However, it's so stressful and I feel that not too many people understand it. Especially people who aren't like me or who are much older than me. It's not as easy as just making a decision and doing it. There's a lot of things that have to be looked through and thought over.
Time is going way too fast and I just need more time to think things over. So, over winter break I have some SERIOUS contemplating to do on my options.

think outside the box.

It amazes me to hear that some people say they are "different" or they have become "my own person" and found out "who I am", yet these people believe just what they are fed. Why do people believe what they believe? Because it's what they've known since birth?!
People who are racist can't be blamed then because they might have just been taught that since birth. Just because you are taught something since birth, it does not mean that you can't think for yourself. I'm tired of people just accepting everything instead of questioning. Even when I take science classes, they say students are supposed to question everything. That's why we make hypothesis, test them, and create theories based on those tests/evidences. But when your reason is "just because", then that's not really a legitimate amount of evidence for something to be so believed or easily accepted in my opinion.
I feel like people are subconciously brainwashed. No one wants to actually think for themself. I think it's important to question everything, even if it does make me look like a radical thinker. At least I am open to learning more and thinking outside the box.

I have an extreme interest in conspiracy theories which started a few years ago. I always had somewhat different thoughts/beliefs than others I was around, but someone really got me into conspiracies and thinking more in depth about life. We were able to have such intelligent conversations about conspiracies, religion, politics, science, and life. He really opened my eyes to these ideas and so much of it seemed to make sense. Now, even though I'm not close to that person anymore (sadly), I still have a real interest in these topics and continue to research them as well.
I remember one day we watched this video on YouTube called "The Obama Deception". Now, realize this, we both voted for Obama and were not against him at all when we were looking for this video. We both loved to watch conspiracies about 9/11 & government involvement with the people in office at that time period. We always looked up videos and websites about those events, so I wanted to look for stuff that went against Obama, just to hear a different opinion. So I searched on YouTube "Obama conspiracies" and found this video. It isn't necessarily bashing Obama, but more like trying to expose the truth about how all presidents are puppets to a much higher power, which is basically the Feds and "New World Order". A lot of the issues seem to deal with money and power. So anyway, we ended up watching this video and talking about how crazy it is that we are just fed lie after lie. Sad thing is, most people eat it all up and believe it. Ever think if conspiracies happened in the past, why wouldn't they happen now? We talked about how scary it is and had a really deep conversation about our thoughts on the issues. I actually really miss those in depth conversations with him. We had a really strong bond through those conversations. That day especially was one that will always stick in my mind because it really opened my eyes. There are not many people that have similar thoughts that I do. Most people are shunned for thinking differently, but just because my thougthts are in the minority, it doesn't make me a bad person. I just question typical ideals that most people easily accept for whatever reason. Remember at one point everyone thought the world was flat and that the Earth was the center of our Universe. Obviously BOTH were wrong ideas. I'm sure the people who disagreed with those ideas were looked down upon, but they were right. Now, I'm not saying I'm right because NO ONE really knows the truth, but I do have the right to question the normally accepted ideals.

I feel like we will only know the truth if we continue to seek the truth through questioning. We are not supposed to be robots, so why do we all have to think like robots?

100% on the right path.

On my 22nd birthday (last Sunday), I was outside with my dad as he did yard work. We had an interesting life conversation and I seriously love having those times with him. I enjoy just being able to talk to him alone about life and hearing his advice. Even though I disagree with him about a few things and sometimes don't understand him, I still have learned so much from him. We talked about the future, relationships, getting married, being in college, careers, decisions, money, having kids, and about being successful. It makes me extremely happy when he tells me that I'm "100% on the right path" and that he knows I'm going to be succesful in whatever I do.
Sometimes people just say that to make people feel like they can get somewhere in life, but not everyone has the determination to be successful in ANYTHING they do. My dad sees my drive, determination, & positive attitude. He knows that whatever I do and whatever I'm passionate about, I put all my effort into it. I don't give up easily if at all. Another thing is, I feel like he is right about it. I just know that my strength and drive will get me there. Not everyone is as motivated as me, so that's how I know it's so very possible.
I'm a realistic person. I set reasonable, yet challenging goals and I work so hard to do all that I can to meet or exceed those goals. I really will not settle for less when I know I can do so much better and set my expectations for myself so high. I know that my hard work that has made me who I am and where I am will definitely pay off. I honestly just have that gut feeling. I don't see failure as an option for me even if things do ever go sour. I'm on the right path & I just know it.
"If the grapes don't sell, I dry 'em up & sell raisins"--P$C (I'm a King)

I am so thankful for who I am and for the values that I've been taught. It's all going to take me so far. :)

"Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there"-John Wooden

"I'm the diamond in the dirt that ain't been found"-50 Cent (Many Men)

find strength in yourself.

This might be a lengthy and somewhat sporadic entry, so if you actually read my blogs and follow the whole thing, then good job! My thoughts usually connect to some other thought, so it might seem like I'm going off on a tangent at times, but it kinda makes sense?!

I wanted to write about strength, a really powerful characteristc. I have had this thing for strength ever since I was younger. I remember people, especially my dad, telling me that I'm so positive and being told I'm strong in various ways. Sometimes I would doubt that trait about me because I can be a cry baby at times, but it's just how I deal with my pain & emotions sometimes. I may cry and be upset about something at the beginning, but I am the type of person who just wants a solution and just wants to move forward in the best way possible. Now, does this mean that those feelings of pain and hurt don't ever creep up on me? No, because they do come up every now and then. There are times that I'm like "What am I going to do?", "I'm stuck", "I wish I had more power to change things", or my ultimate favorite "I just want to give up". But, I seriously have to push through those questions and doubts to tell myself. I know that deep down inside me, I am so much stronger than anyone will ever even know.
I'm not saying that I went through the most difficult, painful events in life, but I've had my share of low points in life. I don't go out putting them on blast and there is still a lot that I just hold inside and try to process on my own. Still, I have had to overcome so many obstacles to become who I am and to get to where I am. Plus, I am still working on getting further and am very determined to be all that I can be.
It's weird because a lot of people seem to find strength in other things or people. They get strength from their role models, mentors, best friends, children, family, psychologist/counselor or religious affiliates/higher power(s). No matter, what you find strength in, it's good that you are able to find it. I guess sometimes people are just brought into something that they are told gives them strength. It's almost expected that you say "I can't imagine my life without my children." It's because you probably learned from society that your children are supposed to be a HUGE focus and determination in your life. Same with religion, if you grow up being told that this is what you should believe, most likely you will find strength in that entity because it's what you're used to. There are probably plenty of reasons as to why people find strength in certain things or people. Then I'm sure others just find strength in certain people or objects for their sanity and because it's what they have been used to for so long, so they don't know any other way.However, I just don't think people realize how hard it can be to go within yourself and find strength within your own self especially when you have to battle your own doubts and fears about life. I could easily say, well my motivation in life is to please this person or entity, so that's where I find my strength to be who I am. Yet, I go deep within and find the courage to lift myself up and find ways I personally can make myself better based on how I, yes I, want to view myself. I don't want to see myself as a failure, or someone who just gets by in life, or someone who has no care in the world, or someone who is extremely rude and selfish. I personally set myself to a higher standard, not because I'm told to and not because I'm afraid of what will happen to me or who will judge me, but because IT'S WHAT IS RIGHT! I find strength in myself to go against the grain and be me instead of being everyone else. 
It's difficult when almost everyone my age has the same viewpoints, interests, beliefts, and lifestyles, when I feel like I don't belong in various ways. I get along with pretty much anyone and I am very friendly to people, but that doesn't necessarily mean I fit in. I don't feel like I belong, but instead of being weak and changing who I am, I find strength in myself to continue to be who I am because that's what is right. Although I do have specific people in my life that set high standards for me, I don't live my life to please their plans for me. Those expectations are important to me, because I want to make those people proud since I appreciate them. BUT I also have set my standards high for myself and I care more that I live up to my standards of myself because in reality they actually might be even higher than what others expect of me.
I've had some serious breakthroughs lately and I have been so surprised with myself. Like I've mentioned before, I sometimes do not know how I even made it to where I am. I always knew I had that strength and positive attitude within me, but I'm still shocked at times.

To be honest, if you are going to judge me based on how I live my life or how I do not do the same things everyone else my age does, or how I do not have the same beliefs of practically everyone, then that's truly your loss. Anyone who truly knows me knows I am NOT a conceited or arrogant person at all, so don't see that as a arrogant statement. I know how I am as a person. I trust who I am as a person. I know that I am worthy. I know that I do my share of good in the world/community without expecting anything in return. I know I'm an extremely genuine person. I know my determination will get me far. So, if you want to pass judgement or drop me from your life, that's truly your loss.

part of the 2.1%

I find it odd that sometimes it's easier to talk to people you hardly know about personal stuff compared to people you're close with. I suppose that's because you don't want them judge you or have a bias, but it's still very odd. A few friends and family have been there fore me, but there's someone who I've met recently (this past Summer) that has been a big help for me through some tough issues. It's really a compliment when someone older than me can say they have a lot of admiration for me especially for me being the way I am at the young age of 21. I'm glad someone out there realizes my maturity and the goodness in my personality. I find it somewhat sad that the person who realizes this is someone I've met recently, but it's also good because it makes me see that there are other people that are similar to me. Even if it's only 2.1% of the U.S. population. I don't think people realize how difficult it is to be the minority when it comes to personality types. Everyone is so much alike and it's so easy for them to get along with others, but then there's the 2.1% that see and think things differently. If you could just be in my place, have my experiences, and know my everyday thoughts, then you would see how complicated things are.

That leads me to thinking...

I just can't believe how strong I am. Stronger than I ever realized I could be. When I look back at some events in my life, I honestly have no idea how I kept it moving. I don't know how I didn't stop doing what I needed to do in order to do well in school, work, and everything else on my plate. I don't know how I was able to still be an overload student and get a 4.0 GPA. I don't know how I was still able to give so much of myself, time, and effort when I felt like I was losing a grip of my own self. I don't know how I was able to still smile, laugh, and keep positive around other people to the point that they would never have even guessed what was going on with me. I don't know how I didn't just give up on all my efforts and duties. I'm not the one to make excuses, so I just continued on and did all that I could to keep pushing forward. I don't know what came over me or who I was during those points in my life, but it was almost superhuman. I still am struggling, but luckily I am making through. Some days are tougher than others, but that's just how it is I suppose. 

That's why I know I'm really strong. I may have a lot of emotions, and that's okay. I'm human. But, I had to face my feelings and hurt. I didn't just runaway like some people do. I'm here on the other end having to deal with these internal issues on my own on a daily basis. While others can just back out, runaway, do them, and move on in life like nothing happened. 

You may appear to be strong when you do stuff like that, when you don't show emotion and face your issues, but you're not. In some cases it's actually pretty cowardly.
So, for all the times I was called "weak" for crying or being upset about something, at least I was strong enough to deal with those issues ON MY OWN pretty much. 

This post was somewhat random, but I have about 1.2 million thoughts running through my mind that I'm just trying to make sense of...

will power

Today I was thinking about how almost anything really is possible if you have enough will power. And I'm talking about legit and realistic things, not magical wishes. For example, someone who lives on the street begging for money probably could get somewhere further in life. In fact, it's happened before. Just look at Chris Gardner (Pursuit of Happyness is based on his life struggles to get to where his is today). He had enough will power to keep trying even though he got knocked down so many times. I'm sure that is extremely difficult and I could never imagine, but I know for sure that I would NEVER sit around asking people for money on a corner somewhere in the city. Do something about it. It's possible, so have the will power!

This might seem random, but another example is ADD/ADHD and the over diagnosis of this "disorder". You know what? Everyone is a little bit spacy at times; everyone has those moments where they can't concentrate on anything. Does that make he/she ADD/ADHD? Nope! Everyone has the ability to lose focus and to have focus, but it's whether or not you have the self control to pick the focused path. Obviously if you take a medication that is supposed to help you focus, then you should probably be focused. But then you're relying on something and that's a weakness in all honesty. If ANYONE took that medication it probably should help them focus because that's the sole purpose of that medication. If we all wanted to get everything done without any distractions or loss of concentration, we would all just stay on medication so we would never face those concentration issues. It's the same thing for a head ache. Just because someone has a head ache and a pain killer such as Advil or Tylenol might help, it doesn't mean it should be taken all the time.

What I'm trying to get at is bigger than this whole medication ordeal. I just wanted to make a comparison. People rely on and depend upon certain crutches too much in life. People get so dependent on certain things that it makes them so weak. People have no will power to just try to make it through something or force themself to have self control. I can never understand people who say "I have to have my caffeine or I can't function" or "I know I should exercise and eat healthier, but I don't feel like it". Well then, since you lack will power, you will get the results that come from those behaviors. Those are just stubborn mindsets in my opinion.Then people also feel that they can blame any of their issues on those "weak" traits. This one is really bothersome, "Fast food resturants should be sued for making me fat"!
That's pure ignorance. The majority of us have the ability to make decisions by a certain point in our life. We have the ability to seek knowledge, to question (even question authority), and to decide on our own what we will and will not do.

So the question isn't "Can you do it?", it's "Are you WILLING to do it?"

"You cannot change what's over. But only where you go...

...one way leads to diamonds."

This quote comes from Enya's song "Pilgrim". It is one of the most inspiring songs. I really relate to Enya's songs and use them for inspiration even though they sound a bit sad. Anyway,  I particularly relate to this one because she talks about "your journey" in life. She's right when she says "you cannot change what's over, but only where you go" and although that's true, it's somewhat sad. I get all teary-eyed just hearing these lyrics because I feel like it describes how I feel exactly. Just like a pilgrim, I just want to know answers. I just want to find a path that will lead me to diamonds (metaphorically).
I know where I'm going in some aspects of my life, but it really scares me to be unsure about other journies in my life. It's weird how you can go from never worrying about something particular in the future and now that's you're main worry once things fall apart. It's like having your legs going out from underneath you, losing your strength and support. That strong foundation you once felt has now shattered to pieces. It's just very weird to go from two very different extremes, just as it would be a shock for your body to jump into freezing water just after getting out of hot tub.
It's so hard to let go of the past especially when you connected so much of that past to your future. I'm just in this limbo space of "the present". So I'm trying to take Enya's words to heart since I can't magically go back in time. I just have to keep going from here...on my journey. 


Pilgrim, how you journey
On the road you chose
To find out why the winds die
And where the stories go.
All days come from one day
That much you must know,
You cannot change what's over
But only where you go.
One way leads to diamonds,
One way leads to gold,
Another leads you only
To everything you're told.
In your heart you wonder
Which of these is true;
The road that leads to nowhere,
The road that leads to you.
Will you find the answer
In all you say and do?
Will you find the answer
In you?
Each heart is a pilgrim,
Each one wants to know
The reason why the winds die
And where the stories go.
Pilgrim, in your journey
You may travel far,
For pilgrim it's a long way
To find out who you are...
Pilgrim, it's a long way
To find out who you are...
Pilgrim, it's a long way
To find out who you are...

Do you listen to Jiminy Cricket?

Remember Jiminy Cricket from "Pinocchio"? He served as a personified version of  Pinocchio's conscience. Now I know some people have a little Jiminy Cricket in their mind or on their shoulder telling them what is right and wrong, but I feel as if a LOT of people seem to have lost Jiminy Cricket in their life or maybe they never even had him to begin with. I don't see how people can go on living knowing that they did wrong things and be okay with it. Maybe they just push it so far out of their mind to the point that it magically doesn't exist if they don't face what they did. 
And what's even worse is that some people want others to make it easy on them so that they don't feel guilty when they are the one who did the bad thing. Like don't tell me to avoid or ignore something that you clearly did just so you don't feel guilty. Not quite sure how you can live with yourself because I know I wouldn't be able to. Maybe I'm too nice. In fact I probably am too nice for people in this world, but since when did being nice become a weakness? Why do people want to take advantage of someone so giving & always willing to be there UNCONDITIONALLY?????

Sometimes I think it would just be an easier life if I was just mean & acted like everyone else not caring if I hurt someone or not. It just hurts to always care so much, but get let down so many times. Obviously I'm not going to be like that toward people because that's not who I am, but don't be surprised if I surround myself with 50 foot thick steel walls because of all you people who have made me so calloused. So blame the ruiner, NOT the ruined please!
Good luck with pushing things aside & avoiding the truth because you're too weak to actually listen for Jiminy Cricket's voice. 

Doubt.

It's really difficult to constantly tell myself on a daily basis "you're okay", "it'll be okay", "just stay strong", "stop thinking about it". The struggle I go through in my mind is so draining. The hardest part of trying to console myself in my own mind is that bit of doubt that creeps in. Well let me be honest, it's not a bit, it's a LOT of doubt. I feel like I'm just telling myself that "everything will be okay" because I just want to cope. I'm afraid for one year from now or 10 years from now. I used to have an idea of most of where my life was going and now I can only partially see that. That really scares me. Sometimes this doubt tells me that I'm just going to have to accept this fate that I don't particularly deserve. In fact, I'm pretty sure I don't deserve that fate that I'm so afraid of, but I'm not necessarily in control of what is to come.
Some days it's so hard to be strong, especially lately and I don't know why.


Sometimes I wish I could go back to being 5 years old and cry over stupid stuff and play with my dolls again.
Life was so simple. What's happened?

One Path.

I have been thinking lately about how there are basically infinite options and pathways in life, but we personally will only know the one we chose to go on. I seem to find myself saying, "what if I had done this differently" or "what if this didn't happen, where would I be?", etc. It seems like a lot of people go through points in their life where they question "what if?" and the thing is we will probably never know the answer to those "what if?" questions because they are just hypothetical. I have been trying to avoid thinking like that because there is really nothing I can do to change the past (to my knowledge at least). It's just very mind boggling to think that one small detail in our life could have a ripple effect and change our path in life completely. Maybe that's why I am so indecisive in most situations. I almost always have to weigh out the pros and cons and make sure I'm set on a decision before I make it. This holds true for things on a small scale to a much larger scale. I don't want to regret my decisions, so I take a long time to decide upon things.
I'll never know what could have been if I went to a different college or if I had said something differently or if I decided to turn left instead of right while driving lost. It bugs me that I'll never know, but I just have to live with it and always think about my actions & decisions.

I also notice how so many people take the path most traveled and then have to learn from big mistakes (whcih turn into regrets) that they made while traveling that path. They could have looked at the people who made mistakes before them: friends, family, etc. If you see the mistakes of those people and know that you don't want to end up the way they ended up, then why would you follow them? Why would you take the same path to basically the same fate?
I guess I just have a much different mindset than most my age. I always am thinking, if/when I were to have kids, would I want to tell them "don't make the mistakes I made" or would I want to tell them "do what I did"? I'm not saying I would tell them to follow my every move, but I mean "do what I did" as in stay true to yourself, stay out of trouble, do good in school, do your best, be a good person in various aspects of life, and so on. If you don't want to tell your kids, "don't do what I did", then why are you doing that stuff now? It's sad because some people will never learn until they face the consequences of their actions and sometimes that's still not enough. I don't need to make the mistake to learn from it, I've seen many others make the mistakes and I've learned by saying I DON'T want to be where they are.

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

You Reap What You Sow.

"You reap what you sow."

This seems to be like a popular "karma" type quote, but I didn't really know about it until a few months ago. I was looking for "karma" type quotes like "what goes around comes around", but something a little different and deeper. I came across this one on a random site, had to look up the meaning of reap and I just loved it. Reap is bascially a farming term synonmous to "harvest" when talking about crops. So now I seem to hear this quote all the time, especially in songs. I also think of this quote all the time and say it to myself quite a bit. Although it does have some of the "karma" aspect to it (like you get what you give), I see it in another way too.
Like my previous post, this doesn't apply to everything especially aspects of life you can't control (i.e. other people). I still think it can apply in a lot of areas of life. In literal terms, you harvest or collect crops that you sow/plant. If you planted tomatoes, you wouldn't expect to harvest cucumbers from that plant.
So, in the metaphorical sense, if you put in no effort or dedication into something, then you can't expect extreme success as an outcome. I have noticed a lot of people (especially my age range) wanting to put in little effort, but get the achievement level that actually requires effort. One main example is school. Sure I guess "school isn't for some people", but I also feel like that's just an excuse. Excuse after excuse doesn't really get you far in life. At the end of the day, you can't expect to have wonderful grades if all you do is party and play around in college. These are the people that plant tomatoes and a few months later come back confused because they wanted cucumbers!

This is exactly why I put my all into things that are important to me in life. I follow this way in school, work, relationships with people I care about, etc. 
What is the point of doing something halfway if you want the end result to be success instead of partial success or even failure?
If you want cucumbers, then you have to plant cucumbers! :)

Newton's 3rd Law

So I was watching So You Think You Can Dance on Hulu the other night and a Delta Airlines commercial came on and it was about loyalty. It automatically got my attention because of the fact that it mentioned loyalty and that word means a lot to me. In the past few months (with the help of a few others) I've realized how loyal of a person I am, so this commercial struck a chord.

"Loyalty is a two way street. And when one side gives, the other has to give back. So every action has a reaction."

It then reminded me of Newton's 3rd Law of Motion.

"For every action there is an opposite and equal reaction."

It made me think of how not only is that law applied in the subject matter of physics, but it should be applied throughout life in general. For every effort put out on one side, the opposite side should give the equal amount of effort. If someone puts his/her all into whatever he/she is dedicated to, then perhaps the opposite side will give the equivilent result or reaction. One example of this could be school work and grades or even relationships. The thing about relationships though, is you can't control the other end. You can control your end and hold up your part of the deal, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the opposite end will give an equal reaction. BUT, it should work that way.

So Much to Give.

Last night as I laid in my dorm room bed listening to the thunder and watching as the lightening flashed outside, I started to deeply think. I thought about how much I love to give and how I have so much to give. Obviously I don't want to give so much to just anyone, but to the person/people/things I truly love and care about. I still even give a lot and have so much to give to those I'm not that close with. Then it made me realize maybe this is part of the reason I want to teach and why I love volunteering so much. Neither teaching or volunteering comes with much material reward, but I get so much out of giving to and helping others. If I care so much about others I'm barely close to, imagine how much I am willing to give to people I am really close to. 
I miss taking care of someone special. I miss being the one to "save the day" or make that someone's day better. I don't just mean anyone, but someone I truly love. I love the idea that I helped that someone or that I made that someone feel better. It is so simple, yet it is so gratifying to me.
Most people are in relationships and see it more in a selfish way. "What can he/she offer me?", "What will he/she do for me?", etc. Although it is important to include your own needs in a relationship, I see it the opposite way. I care about my happiness, but for me I got happiness out of knowing he was happy because of me. In all honesty I was thinking, "What can I do to make him happy?", "What can I do to surprise him?". At the end of the day, I would be so happy knowing I was the one to make him smile or make him happy. I can't even describe how rewarding that is for me.
I looked forward to the future so much, even as a child. I knew that whoever I married, I would love with all my heart. Therefore, I would give  all of me and put so much effort into the relationship because it means so much to me. I knew that when he was sick, I would be there to make him soup or tea. If he needed to cry, I would be there to hug him and comfort him. If he had a long day at work, I'd be there to cook him dinner and give him a massage. I just knew I wanted to make him proud and happy. As cliche as that sounds, I swear it's true. I don't mind going out of the way for someone I love so dearly.
It's crazy how much I miss being the giver to someone I love. Though there are many people who would be willing to take all my efforts as a giver, I don't want to give to just anyone. I need to be appreciated and my efforts shouldn't be taken for granted. I really don't ask for much (especially material wise); I just want appreciation and time. 
Was/Is that too much to ask for?

"You'll fall, yes you will hit a wall. But get back on your feet & you'll be stronger & smarter. And I know, 'cuz I've been there before. Knocking on your door with rejection (rejection). And you'll see 'cuz if it's meant to be...Nothing can compare to deserving your dreams. It's amazing, it's amazing...All that you can do."
-It's Amazing (Jem)

the future is scary

It's been a really long time since I've written in an actual blog. I typically write in a journal over Summer Break (it's been like a tradition for my sister & I for about 7 years now), but my Summer journal is more personal. I decided to create a blog to get out my thoughts that I wouldn't mind sharing with others, but only if they were interested in hearing/reading my thoughts. I hope that makes some sense.

Anyway, I am at a very weird stage in my life. For the first time in my life I feel very uncertain about the future and it scares me. I used to feel so sure and be so ready for the future. I wanted time to go faster so my life could settle down and so I could feel as if I had more control over my own life. Now, I am somewhat running from it. I'm running from time as it continues to carry on. I am afraid of what it holds and the unknowns of the future.
I am about to finish my junior year of college which means I graduate in one year. I have been so excited about this for quite a while, but recently I got really freaked out by the idea. I don't know if I want to turn 22 this year. I don't want to go out on my own in life yet. I know I don't have to right away, but it's getting really overwhelming to think that I am almost at that point in my life.
If I were to go back to when I was 16 and tell myself that at the age of 21 I would be wishing to be 16 again, I probably wouldn't have believed it. I find it hard to believe right now actually. Life has gotten increasingly complicated the past few years. 
I love rollercoaster rides, but I don't think I like for my life to be a rollercoaster ride. 
Taking it day by day...