It's been quite a while since I've wrote a blog because I've been extremely busy & stressed. So this topic has been on my mind lately...healing vs. coping. Sometimes I feel like everything is fine and I wonder if that is because I'm so busy I don't have time to think about how I really feel. Then there's those times that I have a quick panic moment where I just want to break down because I'm SO confused. Then other times I just don't care either way anymore because I can only control so much in my life. I can only put in my efforts and reach my personal goals that I have control over. In the past few months I've had this sense of empowerment especially if you look at my last blogs, but my thoughts recently have made me question how I really feel. Am I really healed or healing? Maybe somewhat. Will I ever be completely healed? No, most likely I will never be completely healed. Think of it like this...after I got in a big car accident in 2009, I asked my dad if I would be able to keep my Honda Accord. He told me that even if it got repaired & was drivable, it wouldn't ever be the same because the engine and all the parts were shaken up. The only real way to resolve that issue was for me to get a new car. I feel the exact same way. Although I can be "repaired" somewhat, I'm always going to have that heartbreak as a part of me sadly. As much as I want to deny that I'm going to be scarred for my whole life, I just know how I am. My heart and mind have both been shaken up just like my Honda was. The difference is I can't replace my heart or mind or be a whole different me. It just doesn't work that way.
So am I really healing? Or am I just learning how to cope really well?
I have a lot of strength as I've mentioned before and I'm typically pretty optimistic/positive. I try so hard to keep pushing forward on my own. I look to myself for encouragement and motivation. That strength is the reason I'm able to cope. I've just learned to deal with it. I've learned to accept it. I've learned to acknowledge that certain aspects of my life most likely won't turn out how I would like, so I've just chosen to focus on aspects that I know I can control. I'd rather face the reality now than 10 years from now have it hit me and then feel worse about it. However, it still hurts which is why I don't think I'll ever heal. I hate that, but I am serious when I say I try so hard to completely look past it all. It's more complicated than you'll know.
So don't think that I'm being some pessimist; I am just trying to be real with myself. I know that things will be "okay" since I've learned to cope and get on with other things in life that make me happy, but a piece of me will always be scarred, torn, heartbroken, shattered, or some other similar word. I know things will be "okay", I'm just coping with the fact that I have to accept that certain things aren't going to turn out how I imagined or how I'd like for them to be in my life.