Saturday, October 12, 2013

looking for a change...i guess?

I don't know what's come over me lately, but I'm not one to usually like big changes. However, I've been somewhat longing for a big change. It's scary to be honest. I think I'm just so fed up with some things. I don't feel satisfied. I mean, I appreciate what I do have, what I've learned, and for the opportunities I've come across. Even with all this though, I don't feel satisfied and complete. It's almost like I've been longing for this feeling of "being complete" for so long now. It's a void I can't seem to fill and I'm not exactly sure what or who would make this void go away or when that would even occur. I'm the type of person who gets attached to anything I care about, have good memories of/with, feel comfortable with and so it's hard for me to let go. I've always said, I want to stay in Gwinnett forever. Scratch that, I've been convinced I wanted to stay in Lawrenceville just because I felt comfortable and comfortable makes me at ease/feel safe. 
But something has changed with me lately...
I've had this thought of leaving Georgia. At first it was just a, "Maybe I'll go to a different state for a month in the summer" type of thought. Now, it's starting to become a, "Maybe I should just move to another state & go to college", like I've wanted to ever since I've graduated from West GA. When I would say that I wanted to stay in Gwinnett, I also stated the the only other place I'd probably move to is Florida. However, I was just looking up schools not only in Florida, but in Tennessee, North Carolina, and even California. 
Like a month ago, things would have been different. I am not exactly sure what's changed, but I'm starting to feel different.
Plus, my agent who was helping me look for homes to purchase in Gwinnett accepted another job, so it's almost more of a reason. I don't have to be held down by anything and if I have the opportunity to do something, I guess I should probably do it. I wouldn't want to regret it later on, but it's still scary. Most of what is scary to me though is just the money issue and being away from my sister if she goes to dental school in a different state away from me. 

There's times where I just want to escape it all honestly. College was when I was the happiest, learned the most, and grew the most. I feel like I'm at a plateau for some reason. I want to meet new people around my age, in the same boat as me, and in the same point in their lives. I just want to leave everything else behind and kind of start fresh. I don't feel connected to anyone anymore. I feel secluded. I feel left behind. I feel forgotten. I feel like I don't belong. I don't fit in. I feel lonely in all aspects, even if I'm constantly around people. I'm not trying to sound like an a-hole, but I'm honestly just at the point where I want to say "forget it", pack my stuff, & start a new journey/adventure somewhere else with different people and different situations. 
Maybe this is just a short phase I'm going through; I don't know, but I think there's A LOT of things that have pushed me to this point over the past 2 years. 
I guess I'm just keeping my options more open then they were before...I've literally spent the majority of my life trying to be as selfless as I can be and by making everyone else happy, that I feel like maybe it's time I find more happiness for myself. I don't want to change that part of me; I think we need more selfless people, but I've just run thin. I think maybe a big change could help me find that happiness for myself and fill that void I can't ignore...

I don't know...