working with the negatives could make for better pictures.

I've noticed that over the past year I've really become a more proactive and positive person...much more than I was before. There are those days that I complain and feel so frustrated. There are those days I want to just cry because I feel so let down and confused. However, overall I've learned to have a more positive attitude and to be a more proactive person. Today I thought about how maybe it's because I lost a big, important part of my life and so the small negatives in life seem so miniscule compared to that loss. I think about how if I wasn't missing that part of my life and gained it back after knowing what I know now, then things would be SUPER! I would handle things in such a different way. I wouldn't blow up about the stupidest things. I would look for the brighter side in situations and try to find solutions instead of just getting overly emotional. I wouldn't take that "complete" feeling for granted at all...I would cherish it. Well sadly I can't take back time, so I guess it's good that I've decided to look forward.

I seriously used to get upset over small stuff and let it bother me for so long, but I've learned to let go. Some things just really aren't that serious and it doesn't do any good to over stress something to the point that it ruins you. I've learned to manage my stress, anger, and saddness much better than I ever have before. I feel like now, I am better prepared for unfortunate situations. Even things like car issues would make me stress like crazy. Now, I just look at the situation, be thankful it's not worse, and try to think of a solution. It might still bother me and bring me down somedays, but I am so much better at managing the stress now. As crazy as it may sound, I constantly tell myself quotes in my head or give myself "motivational speeches" to push myself forward. I even have about 20 quotes on little post-it notes taped to my apartment wall that I add to anytime I hear/find another positive quote.
Lately I've been telling myself, "You are as acceptable and lovable as a newborn child. This is a birthright awarded by the act of creation."

I even try not to be around negative people and if I am, then I try not to let their negativity influence me. I try to stay productive and proactive instead of reactive. I've learned to have more control.
It surprises me because I was SO SO SO SO negative and hopeless at the beginning of all this drama (and I'm not saying I see a perfect life in the future), that I was afraid I'd never be okay. I guess I've just learned to process and cope with my feelings and situations that aren't so pleasant.

I really don't know where my life will go or what will happen in the future. I don't know what exact job I'll have, where I'll live, who I'll be with, or if I'll even get married or have kids, or if I even want to do all that to be honest. It worries me sometimes because I don't know what's to come, but then I just think that I need to focus on doing the best I can to get to where ever or whatever will give me complete happiness. I do know that I'm content with who I am and where I'm headed because I know that my determination will get me to a good spot especially with an optimistic attitude.

Depend on Yourself.

Lately I've been thinking of how a lot of people in my age range are very dependent upon others. I am not just saying money wise, but with making decisions in their life. I then came across this video of a YouTube blogger that I love and I think what she said was perfect! Here's the video for anyone who wants to watch.



Thinking of all this and watching this video made me really realize what one of my biggest goals in life is and that is to be as dependent upon myself as possible. I remember my dad saying a few years ago "Never depend on a guy." He told me to always make sure I was stable and had my own career, so that if one day he left I wouldn't have to worry about where I stand. Well guess what? That's what I plan on doing. As nice as it sounds to have someone make all the money and me just sit around, it's not something I'm ever comfortable with. In fact, I would rather be the more stable one in a relationship or in my family. Even when I did group projects throughout school I volunteered to do the majority of the work. Why? Because I knew I would get stuff done and make sure it was good quality. How can I be let down by the results if I am the one in control of the results? You see, people let you down. People will ALWAYS let you down. Your classmates, co-workers, society, accquantinces, friends, significant others, and family will let you down probably more than once. That's just how it goes. Now, you might let yourself down sometimes as well. For example, if you did badly on a test and you know it's because you kind of blew off studying and you know you could have done better if you actually studied. In that case, you let yourself down, BUT at least you were in control. You could have changed that result, you just chose not to by not studying. However, if you put your all into a relationship or friendship and then you depend upon that particular person to be reliable since you always are reliable to them and that person lets you down even with all your efforts, then you are in a situation that you have no control over. You did your part in the relationship or friendship and met the expectations of that friend...that was all that was pretty much in your control. Yet, they still let you down since you didn't have control.

See how being independent doesn't even have to relate with money somtimes?

I honestly can say "I TRUST ME." There are a few people I trust with certain things, but I completely trust and depend upon myself.

Now, in no way am I saying that we should throw all people out of our life and just live on our own. It's good to have friends and family that you know will support you, be there for you if you need someone to talk to, create memtories with, or make you laugh.

I never, ever was the type of girl that wanted to depend upon a guy (financially), in fact I am the type to say "No, you don't have to buy me that" or would be the girl that would get upset if a guy bought me a really expensive purse or something. It's just not my thing to be honest. And if I (did)/do ever get treated that way, I am EXTREMELY appreciative.

However, I feel like I did somewhat rely on a relationship for emotional stability and happiness. I remember I used to think well if I ever feel insecure or not confident around a bunch of people I can just remember I have someone at the end of the day. I thought that a significant other could kind of bring me strength and make me feel more confident and less self conscious about everything. So in that sense, I was dependent because I guess that's what you do when you are in a relationship & love someone. Not saying that it's all bad, but I think now I realize it's better to first be dependent upon yourself for emotional strength before relying on someone else. Because, yet again, that person might not always be there and when they are gone I can promise you it's a serious struggle to pick yourself up after being shattered to pieces. I know that I will always be with myself. I will always have my mind, my values, my respect for myself, and my thoughts.

I used to worry (and sometimes still do) about when I would get married and have kids and how I was going to find this "right" person, and how would I not be hurt? Now, I'm kind of just like "go with the flow".Does it really suck to be alone sometimes? YES!! I'm not going to lie! I'm just good with where I am going personally. I've got plans for myself and there is no one that can let me down because I'm not depending on anyone else for my happiness.

 Like I said, I am going to work to become as dependent upon myself as I can. I've talked about emotionally, but now to the financially part. It takes some time since I need a legit career before I can move out for real and pay for everything on my own and do everything on my own. I think I'm off to a really good start though. I'm so grateful for being the raised way I was/am. I know that at any moment I could ask my parents for anything and they would try their best to supply it to myself or my sister. Yet, we always try to pay for our stuff. We pay for our doctor appointments, our contact lenses, our pets (vet & food), our gas, our own products, groceries at school, our clothes, car registration & emissions, our school books, our credit card bills and definitely any luxury items. The only things we don't pay for is our car insurance, cell phone bill, and rent while living at my dad's. There have been plenty of times that I've offered my dad money for my car insurance or to help him out in any way possible. Plus, both my parents  know how grateful my sister and I. We always say how we are going to pay them back when we graduate and have a career and I seriously will. I tell my dad that my first real paycheck is going to him. It's great knowing that I can rely on my parents for help, but I would prefer not to! 

I hear some people my age and even older that still rely HEAVILY on their parents. Their parents still do their laundry, always cook for them, tell them when they need to do certain things, what decisions to make in life, what classes they need to register for, etc. It's just really odd and it's NOT cute, especially if you're a guy. Some people have never had their own job or made their own money. Why would you want to live a life like that? I just can't imagine that. Working has taught me so many values and the value of money.  It's SO much more rewarding when you work hard and earn your money to achieve the things you need/want at the end of the day.

I love the values I was taught and brought up with. I love where it is taking me in life. I love who I am becomming. I love that I am dependent upon myself and I can't wait until the day that I am fully dependent upon myself! :)

Well, that was a really long entry, so if you actually read this...thanks! I just needed to get it written down because it's been on my mind a lot lately!

Highlights of 2011

Since I went through some really tough stuff in 2011, I feel that I should take the time to look back on what actually was good and enjoyable in 2011. I'm going to go in chronological order & hopefully I don't miss anything!

-Hanging out and talking more with some people from UWG and from Block I (Amanda, Ruth, & Megan). Working on projects with Amanda & Ruth. Talking to Megan about the drama and being able to relate, which made me feel better. Going out to eat and hanging out was fun & helped get my mind of things!
-Going to Aryon's for one night. Vented a lot & he was there to support me through some of the drama. Racks on Racks, Katt Williams
-On the Border with my mom on her birthday.
-Going to Aryon's for 2 nights with Ashley and some other people. Had a blast with their friends and family. Crank that Lion King Wop, ghost ride the whip in the parking lot, fried oreoes, Ashley trying to study in the closet, "What do I look ordering dough?" I think I at out 5 times that weekend haha!
-Ashley coming over one day in March to go to IHOP and chat. All those hilarious, random pictures we took! :D
-Having Starbucks at Target with Priscilla. So glad she also listened to me vent! :)
-Got a 4.0 in Spring semester with 20 credit hours and dealing with all the drama.
-Got promoted at Papaya!
-My sister's graduation. It was kind of hectic, but Ashley spent the night & we watched old home videos of when we were cool kids.
-PCB, Florica!!! Kind of was against the trip at first for a few reasons, but I wish I was still there! Honk, HEYY!, 2 mile walk to Walmart, fire alarm at 1 AM & Leila hitting me (as I slept) saying "Loretta" thinking me it was my phone alarm, LEGIT 12 scoops of ice scream so we wouldn't waste any, the Peligrino bottle in the bed, IT'S SO COLD, Pearl, My name is Jack, grenade whistle, screaming each time a wave came, "The Situation" sunglasses, rock music, he wrote it on a napkin, the pool guy, grab the documents, the window, watching "The Hills", hotel gym and being on the elevator for like 5 minutes, ok cool guy, IN THIS BIT
-Summer classes. I actually miss living in my on campus apartment and those roomies I had. They were literally the best ones I've had! Cooking dinner, going to the gym for like 3 hours to run & do yoga. Starbucks before my class (discoverd my love for Green Tea Lemonades or GTL haha). It was a good balance to be there during the week and then come work 3 days at home on the weekend.
-Meeting Lisa and making one of the best decisions of the year for myself. I was able to overcome so much and realize who I truly am through her help. I can't even say how grateful I am for that. I am really going to miss our weekly talks.
-Laser Tag!!!
-Things working out for Leila with college issues because I was really worried about it.
-Renting a whole bunch of Redbox movies
-Leila & I realizing our drive and determination for certain things to work and for us to become more successful
-The day Leila & I went to GSU for her chem test and then we went shopping after. Crazy & long day!
-Aryon, Mansoor, & Brandon coming over for a cookout like old times. We could not stop laughing & I missed those moments! Brandon's text convo and the suggestions Leila & I said for him to text.
-Got my first apartment at school & was able to bring Tango with me!
-The animal shelter :D
-Going to Zumba for the first time...and I'm SO glad I did! It's been such a stress relief, good work out, and something fun for me to do. Met a few new people including Sophia! :) Plus I got more in shape! :)
-Leila staying with me during Homecoming weekend. It made some situations so much better!
-Hanging out at Sophia's apartment for girls night and American Horror Story (one of my new favorite shows now). It was so great to have some people to laugh & talk with!
-IHOP with neighborhood peeps until like 12 AM
-Priscilla stopping by while I was home one weekend and catching up!
-Getting my cartilage pierced my bday weekend, then going to Dahlonega for a day trip with my sister even though getting lost was sketchy! haha! The corn maze and haunted corn maze in the dark!
-Pretty much the WHOLE month of October. I wish I could relive some of it! I had some really good memories and happy moments throughout that whole month! <3
-LUDACRIS Concert! I had so much fun dancing and singing all the songs with Sophia & Caitlin! 
-My student teaching experience for fall semester. I truly loved those kids and the staff. I wish I could stay there for internship to be honest!!
-Getting closer to some people in my life.
-Getting some good advice from people about school and life.
-Leila staying with me in November and going to Zumba & the animal shelter with me, and to Douglasville to go shopping. We also stayed up til about 5am trying to do homework and were falling asleep! Watching the people towing the cars in the apartment parking lot and yelling at them when they almost hit my car because they were terrible towing people!
-All the talks on the car rides back home after picking my sister up from GSU. We got to update each other and never stopped talking that whole weekend together.
-Getting a 4.0 again for fall semester!
-Neighborhood bonfire
-More venting & catchup conversations with Priscilla at the mall.
-My sister being able to get off the morning shift for Christmas day
-The "good deeds"/productive day when we donated lots of clothes to Good Will, gave food to a homeless man, took Nyxie to a do-it-yourself bath, and got so much done that day.

Well I think that's about it for now. If I think of anything else, I'll just come back & edit this!
I did have a lot of great things happen and good memories even with the struggles. I'm glad I was able to enjoy those moments! Hopefully this year (2012) will be more positive and uplifting.
I know whatever I do this year and in life, I will always be there for myself and be able to depend on myself.
I know who I am. I trust who I am. And I know that wherever I go, I will do great things!