Saturday, May 26, 2012

It's just not who I am.

This whole trip out of the country has had me deeply thinking about one specific topic even more than I usually do. That topic is how I don't fit in. I appreciate parts of my culture and I know that will always be a part of me. I will always be diverse and have some traits that I got from that culture, but I feel like people want me to be something I'm not nor will ever be. It really makes me upset because I shouldn't have to conform to make everyone else happy especially if I'm not doing anything wrong. (Well in their eyes maybe I am since they want me to be this ideal person they picture me as). I've heard people say how if interracial couples have children, then the mixed children will have a hard time identifying with their race. Well I think it's more difficult if you are a part of pretty much opposite cultures. I don't think my sister or I have to choose which culture we identify with because I pick up something from each. However, my PERSONAL lifestyle is leaning more towards American with different aspects of Iranian. 
I just get really frustrated because I think a majority of my family (not all, so please don't get offended if you're reading this and you are a part of my family) doesn't TRULY know who I am and if they did would they want to know that side of me? Trust me, I am not some crazy, party rebel girl, but I just don't think they know my interests and what really makes me happy.

Just seeing what they really enjoy and what they think is great and what they expect is absolutely overwhelming. A lot of this is NOT me, but I feel like it's expected of me just because I was born a part of this culture.

I'm not fancy china dishes at every meal. I'm not forcing people to eat & eat & eat when they are full. I'm not uptight and running all over the place. I'm not a boring and extra fancy wedding in which the bride and groom don't smile EVER. I'm not the cat-like dance moves. I am not the 10 chandeliers in the house. I am not the put 2 pounds of food on my plate even though I'm 22 and can serve myself. I am not the "I care about what everyone else thinks, so I must look fancy" attitude. I am not the non-smiling face in a photograph. I am not the extra social extrovert. I am not the girl who is supposed to marry who my parents want because I should want to make them happy. I am not rice with every meal. I am not the super fancy & uncomfortable curtains, drapes, rugs, and bedding. I am not "you gotta believe in God". I am not the feta cheese & butter on bread for breakfast every morning. I am not the music with the same male and female voices that just sound like they are yelling. I am not the talk that always sounds angry and like an argument. I am not the woman expected to just clean up after everyone while the guys just get to sit around every single time. I am not my parents planning my whole wedding.

This is not me, but I feel like it's almost forced upon me like I'm supposed to conform to that just because part of my culture does that. I don't do everything from either culture. There's things I despise from the American culture like eating out at fast food restaurants continuously and the gluttony.

I am humorous. I am fun. I am laid back, but organized. I am a volunteer that thinks of the environment and about animals constantly. I am loud rap music in my car. I am contemporary designs. I am grilling food by the pool. I am cooking healthy vegetarian meals. I am the bright colors. I am the smiling person in a photograph. I am open-minded. I am diversity. I am zumba dance moves. I am make people feel comfortable, but not being pushy. I am sleepovers with friends even if I'm 22. I am making jokes and being random. I am feeding stray cats. I am pancakes or french toast for breakfast. I am sitting outside on the porch eating dinner while watching Fantasy Factory. I am Redbox movies with my sister. I am fart noises with my mouth & ugly faces. I am the screaming fan at a baseball or basketball game. I am the individual hello and goodbye to my pets each time I leave for a while because they mean so much to me. I am the think about others mindset. I am the go out to Taco Bell at 1 AM blasting music & singing. I am conspiracy theories. I am thinking outside the box.  
That's just part of who I am.
I've just been feeling really out of place and that my true personality and interests might not be what is expected of me, but that's the key word...ME. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not a terrible person. In fact I think I'm genuinely a good person. 
It's been causing me a lot of anxiety and I'm not sure how it's going to be as I grow older.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

scrambled thoughts.

Scrambled thoughts seem to be a common issue for me. There's so much I have in my mind, so much I wish I could say, so much I wish I could understand and make others understand, and so on. I honestly don't know if much of this post will make sense to anyone because yet again it's just about my scrambled thoughts. I just feel like I need to let them out. So here are my thoughts that are consuming me at the moment...

-I surprise myself with this hypocritical feeling, but I generally do not like humans/people, but I'm too good and too nice to people (even people I'm hardly close to). Why?! Some people might call that fake, but it's not. I am genuinely a kind & caring person, but I think even though I don't like most people, I still feel like if I have a good heart towards them, then it'll be contagious. Like somehow those people will see my goodness and be inspired by it or appreciate it. I've come to realize it doesn't work that way. I need to expect less or nothing from people whether they are close to me or not. It's that sad truth  Unfortunately not many people truly know how I am and what I can be except for my sister. People will say I'm nice, but they don't know the extent and/or don't care. 
I know this is weird, but even if you're confident in yourself and about who you are as a person, it starts to make you wonder "what's wrong with me?" when other people don't acknowledge you/your efforts. :/

-Life is just confusing. I feel like we just chase our so called "dreams" if we even know what they are or if those are even realistic dreams. Sometimes the purpose is difficult to find when you are looking through a muddy lens. I try to not see things in that way because I am a positive person, but sometimes things just don't make sense.

-I am tired of this damn empty and incomplete feeling that goes away for some bit, but consumes me for a few hours here and there. I try so hard to fight it back, but it's just difficult in some situations. I get to thinking and I get this empty feeling. I'm okay, I just wish I could avoid that feeling all the time.

-I HATE feeling stuck and that's exactly what I feel now. 

-I would like to have new friends in the Gwinnett area since I won't be out in Carrollton at college anymore. I don't know how I'm going to survive in this house without my sister when she goes back to college in August. Then again, I don't think I'm the greatest at making new friends even though I think I'm a great & loyal friend...

-Money causes me stress. To be honest, right now money could by me happiness because I wouldn't feel stuck in a lot of the situations I'm facing.

-I need to read The 50th Law some more. It's really motivating and straight forward. However, I just have to put it into affect which is the challenging part. 

That's it for now.