Thursday, February 13, 2014


A window on your computer says "Not Responding" and you just simply hold those three handy buttons on your keyboard: Ctrl+Alt+Delete. You click "End Task" and poof, the annoying issue is gone just like that.

Sometimes I wish there was a Ctrl+Alt+Delete option for real life. Something's not working right in your life, just "End Task" and open a new window. However, that metaphor could probably realistically be applied to real life. Like "when one door closes, another one opens" type of ordeal. What about thoughts though? I don't think you can simply just get the "End Task" option for thoughts and if you could it definitely would take much more than a few seconds. I swear my mind is on constant overdrive. There's things I think about, dwell upon, and people that constantly cross my mind when I know I probably just need to let those thoughts go. I sit there and analyze everything. I lay in bed at night thinking "what if..." and playing situations out. It's not so easy to just say "Loretta, stop thinking about it". Trust me I've tried.

I've always been a fairly quiet person and kept to myself. It's mainly because while everyone else is talking, I'm over here thinking, listening, observing, and taking things in. And although I somewhat like that about me, it's also very exhausting to be someone who constantly is thinking and not just about normal stuff. 

I also just want to go back in time and Ctrl+Alt+Delete certain events, decisions, and people. I obviously know that I can't. The "past is the past" yah-di-yah. I know this and I am seriously trying to get rid of those thoughts. It's been a difficult task, clearly.
It's really starting to drain me. The only time I stop consciously thinking is when I'm asleep which is probably why I long for sleep so much. And it's probably another reason why I HAVE to keep busy at all times. I have to be working out, doing work, cleaning, etc. so I don't have time to think. That's the only way I really know how to handle these things. Even though teaching is stressful and it's hard to always put on a smile and be enthusiastic when I teach, it's also good for me because my mind is occupied by the 1 million things I have to do or the math I am teaching that day. It's sad that work has to be my escape though.

I'm just so confused about a lot of things currently. I hate the unknown. I hate not being in control. I hate uncertainty. I hate wishy-washy personalities. I hate inconsistency. I hate instability. Seriously a quarter life crisis going on. Trying to just make it through for the time being until hopefully it passes just like these feelings passed a few years ago. 

So...if I'm distant or kind of down in the dumps lately...this is why. I have a LOT on my mind. A lot of decisions here and there to make. Some that I don't want to make, but that need to happen in order to make some improvements. I need for me to be happier...that's it.