find strength in yourself.

This might be a lengthy and somewhat sporadic entry, so if you actually read my blogs and follow the whole thing, then good job! My thoughts usually connect to some other thought, so it might seem like I'm going off on a tangent at times, but it kinda makes sense?!

I wanted to write about strength, a really powerful characteristc. I have had this thing for strength ever since I was younger. I remember people, especially my dad, telling me that I'm so positive and being told I'm strong in various ways. Sometimes I would doubt that trait about me because I can be a cry baby at times, but it's just how I deal with my pain & emotions sometimes. I may cry and be upset about something at the beginning, but I am the type of person who just wants a solution and just wants to move forward in the best way possible. Now, does this mean that those feelings of pain and hurt don't ever creep up on me? No, because they do come up every now and then. There are times that I'm like "What am I going to do?", "I'm stuck", "I wish I had more power to change things", or my ultimate favorite "I just want to give up". But, I seriously have to push through those questions and doubts to tell myself. I know that deep down inside me, I am so much stronger than anyone will ever even know.
I'm not saying that I went through the most difficult, painful events in life, but I've had my share of low points in life. I don't go out putting them on blast and there is still a lot that I just hold inside and try to process on my own. Still, I have had to overcome so many obstacles to become who I am and to get to where I am. Plus, I am still working on getting further and am very determined to be all that I can be.
It's weird because a lot of people seem to find strength in other things or people. They get strength from their role models, mentors, best friends, children, family, psychologist/counselor or religious affiliates/higher power(s). No matter, what you find strength in, it's good that you are able to find it. I guess sometimes people are just brought into something that they are told gives them strength. It's almost expected that you say "I can't imagine my life without my children." It's because you probably learned from society that your children are supposed to be a HUGE focus and determination in your life. Same with religion, if you grow up being told that this is what you should believe, most likely you will find strength in that entity because it's what you're used to. There are probably plenty of reasons as to why people find strength in certain things or people. Then I'm sure others just find strength in certain people or objects for their sanity and because it's what they have been used to for so long, so they don't know any other way.However, I just don't think people realize how hard it can be to go within yourself and find strength within your own self especially when you have to battle your own doubts and fears about life. I could easily say, well my motivation in life is to please this person or entity, so that's where I find my strength to be who I am. Yet, I go deep within and find the courage to lift myself up and find ways I personally can make myself better based on how I, yes I, want to view myself. I don't want to see myself as a failure, or someone who just gets by in life, or someone who has no care in the world, or someone who is extremely rude and selfish. I personally set myself to a higher standard, not because I'm told to and not because I'm afraid of what will happen to me or who will judge me, but because IT'S WHAT IS RIGHT! I find strength in myself to go against the grain and be me instead of being everyone else. 
It's difficult when almost everyone my age has the same viewpoints, interests, beliefts, and lifestyles, when I feel like I don't belong in various ways. I get along with pretty much anyone and I am very friendly to people, but that doesn't necessarily mean I fit in. I don't feel like I belong, but instead of being weak and changing who I am, I find strength in myself to continue to be who I am because that's what is right. Although I do have specific people in my life that set high standards for me, I don't live my life to please their plans for me. Those expectations are important to me, because I want to make those people proud since I appreciate them. BUT I also have set my standards high for myself and I care more that I live up to my standards of myself because in reality they actually might be even higher than what others expect of me.
I've had some serious breakthroughs lately and I have been so surprised with myself. Like I've mentioned before, I sometimes do not know how I even made it to where I am. I always knew I had that strength and positive attitude within me, but I'm still shocked at times.

To be honest, if you are going to judge me based on how I live my life or how I do not do the same things everyone else my age does, or how I do not have the same beliefs of practically everyone, then that's truly your loss. Anyone who truly knows me knows I am NOT a conceited or arrogant person at all, so don't see that as a arrogant statement. I know how I am as a person. I trust who I am as a person. I know that I am worthy. I know that I do my share of good in the world/community without expecting anything in return. I know I'm an extremely genuine person. I know my determination will get me far. So, if you want to pass judgement or drop me from your life, that's truly your loss.

part of the 2.1%

I find it odd that sometimes it's easier to talk to people you hardly know about personal stuff compared to people you're close with. I suppose that's because you don't want them judge you or have a bias, but it's still very odd. A few friends and family have been there fore me, but there's someone who I've met recently (this past Summer) that has been a big help for me through some tough issues. It's really a compliment when someone older than me can say they have a lot of admiration for me especially for me being the way I am at the young age of 21. I'm glad someone out there realizes my maturity and the goodness in my personality. I find it somewhat sad that the person who realizes this is someone I've met recently, but it's also good because it makes me see that there are other people that are similar to me. Even if it's only 2.1% of the U.S. population. I don't think people realize how difficult it is to be the minority when it comes to personality types. Everyone is so much alike and it's so easy for them to get along with others, but then there's the 2.1% that see and think things differently. If you could just be in my place, have my experiences, and know my everyday thoughts, then you would see how complicated things are.

That leads me to thinking...

I just can't believe how strong I am. Stronger than I ever realized I could be. When I look back at some events in my life, I honestly have no idea how I kept it moving. I don't know how I didn't stop doing what I needed to do in order to do well in school, work, and everything else on my plate. I don't know how I was able to still be an overload student and get a 4.0 GPA. I don't know how I was still able to give so much of myself, time, and effort when I felt like I was losing a grip of my own self. I don't know how I was able to still smile, laugh, and keep positive around other people to the point that they would never have even guessed what was going on with me. I don't know how I didn't just give up on all my efforts and duties. I'm not the one to make excuses, so I just continued on and did all that I could to keep pushing forward. I don't know what came over me or who I was during those points in my life, but it was almost superhuman. I still am struggling, but luckily I am making through. Some days are tougher than others, but that's just how it is I suppose. 

That's why I know I'm really strong. I may have a lot of emotions, and that's okay. I'm human. But, I had to face my feelings and hurt. I didn't just runaway like some people do. I'm here on the other end having to deal with these internal issues on my own on a daily basis. While others can just back out, runaway, do them, and move on in life like nothing happened. 

You may appear to be strong when you do stuff like that, when you don't show emotion and face your issues, but you're not. In some cases it's actually pretty cowardly.
So, for all the times I was called "weak" for crying or being upset about something, at least I was strong enough to deal with those issues ON MY OWN pretty much. 

This post was somewhat random, but I have about 1.2 million thoughts running through my mind that I'm just trying to make sense of...