My Dedication...

When do I not have a lot of thoughts on my mind? Lately though, it's been almost unbearable. My mind is at a million miles per hour and I'm struggling with keeping up. My heart and head are conflicting, I am not sure what to feel, what to think, what to look for in life, and feeling emptiness and uncertainty again. I just need to get it out...
So, to start this off, this is going to be a long blog post and if you read it, then kudos to you. I do this blog for myself, but I share it so maybe others around me can understand me or maybe even relate.
I go through these moments in life where I question my worth, my point in living, my own "purpose". And trust me when I say I have a high intrapersonal intelligence, meaning I am very conscious of my thoughts and my personality. Some people are very interpersonal and are great with others, I'm great with myself. So, when I say things like I question my worth and point of living, it's not because I want pity. It's not because I want to be dead. It's because I have this longing to do so much, be so much, and go so far. I can't just go by in life. I can't experience this empty, unfulfilled feeling my whole life. I'm trying to seek what will make that emptiness go away. What will make me feel fulfilled at the end of my life, whenever that is? 
So driving home today, I had the thought, "I'm dedicating my life to one thing and one thing only...doing good." And this is most definitely not because I want to go to some perfect place when I die. I could care less what happens after I die, because that's unknown. What I do know is that I'm here on this Earth, living this life now and I want to chase down whatever makes me happiest. To some people that's love or falling in love, but not me. I've basically given up on that and try so hard not to care about that at all anymore. Then I think though, "Wow, I have so much love to give. I have so much care and so much about me is selfless. All of that love, and all of that care will just go to waste at the end of it all." Which to me is a shame and it actually bothers me. 

Believe it or not, but I swear this is how I feel. I have a deep desire to make others happy (some more than others). I always want to give. I always want to make someone's day. I always want to be there fore someone who might feel at their lowest point even if I'm not that close to them. I always want to surprise people. I always want to do kind gestures or offer whatever help I can. 

I guess it's some nurturing part that's always invested in me. I promise I've tried SO hard to get rid of it. I sometimes hate it because so many people don't appreciate it, realize it, hardly show any concern back, wouldn't EVER be there for me, wouldn't even think about how they could show care for me. People say "Oh, you're too nice" like it's a bad thing, well okay maybe it is somewhat. However, I'd rather be too nice of a person than too mean of a person, even if it means people take it for granted. It's what makes me happy. If I were to be on my death bed, I could look back and be proud that I made someone's day or I helped them get through something or I was there for them when no one else was and to me that's what I want in my life.
It'd be awfully nice if there were more people like me in this world or at least in my life, but sadly I've been lied to, forgotten, ignored, avoided, pushed away, used, unappreciated, & taken granted by MANY people. And no I don't just mean regular people, by some of my "good" friends and with relationships. Perhaps if you're reading this you might have actually been one of those people and you don't even realize it because it's your selfish thinking that gets in the way.
Yet, I STILL want to give and do good for people and the world. You would think after all of this I would be callous and bitter. I go through moments where I'm like "Forget this, I don't want to care about anyone anymore." Then I completely contradict myself and go right back. I just CAN'T do it. I can't get out of this. It's who I am and it's who I like to be.

So my life for now on is dedicated to doing good while I'm on this Earth because I believe that will help me fill that emptiness I've felt from other situations and get to that place where I feel fulfilled.

Never settle for less.

My dad has always instilled in me the idea of always doing more and "never settle for less". He's taught me that some people get comfortable with where they are at even though ideally it's not where they want to be. These people feel forever stuck like they can't do more for his or herself when that's usually not true. He taught me to not just live life by "getting by" because that's really not living if you think about it.  

So a few things have kept looking up in my life. I got hired at a job that is related to my degree. Worked two jobs & then recently got promoted to full time, so I was able to quit the former job. This is my first full time 9-6 job with 40 hours a week, paid holidays, and best part...WEEKENDS OFF! So even though I recently got this promotion & am still new at this job, I never want to just settle. I feel that I personally can always do more, accomplish more, & get further. So about two months ago I was contemplating if I should take the Math GACE in October. It cost $165 for two tests, I only had one month to study, and it had a LOT of math that I haven't done recently or haven't done EVER! However, I was thinking that if I did pass both parts I could be certified to teach math for K-12 and that would open up a lot more doors for me. I was so stressed & confused while studying. Seriously wasn't even hopeful that I'd pass the two tests; I mean I even took all 4 hours to test & didn't even finish some parts. I was so shocked when yesterday I check my e-mail & see that not only have I passed one tests, but I passed BOTH!! I felt so relieved & accomplished. I got that difficult task off my checklist. Now I just have to apply to high school jobs since ideally I'd like to teach high school algebra or trig. 
BUT, I still feel like every time I get to one marker in my life it's just a stepping stone to the next one I want to reach. See I am different from a lot of people because I don't want to just settle because things are decent or comfortable. If I know I can do more, then I'm going to push myself to the limit. So I'm already thinking about my next marker, how I can get there & how my current marker can help me get there.

I set standards & expectations for myself pretty high, but I believe they are realistic so I am not let down. It is so motivating when you accomplish a goal you desired to reach. This feeling in return allows you to accomplish yet another goal & the cycle keeps on going...

contradictions.

Maybe it's just the simple fact that I will never truly understand people. Maybe it's the fact that I don't get or even trust people's intentions anymore. Maybe it's because I'm tired of the same crap. Maybe because almost everyone thinks everything is a damn game. Maybe it's because all I feel like I really have is myself. Maybe it's because the majority of people I come across are highly obsessed with them self and completely selfish, when I'm the complete opposite. Maybe because I was always told, "actions speak louder than words, actions speak louder than words," like my words were never and would never be good enough, but if there is one person's word you can trust, then it's definitely mine. Other people on the other hand...not so much. It puts me in this confused state as whether to give people the benefit of the doubt and take their word. A LOT of people are just a bunch of talk with nothing to back it up. Maybe it's because I've been done with proving myself to people because THEY can't open their eyes. It's not my job or responsibility to help you see what you can't notice. I need consistency. I can usually tolerate quite a bit, but I really don't have much patience for anything less anymore before I say "DONE".

 

it's not right, but it's okay.

I really should be studying for my Math GACE that I have to take in 2 weeks, but I got stuck on teaching myself how to find the antiderivative for a function, so here I am. 

I was just thinking back on things that have occurred in my life and how they made me feel. And I'm finally at the point where I can say "I don't care anymore" and that's the weirdest thing because even when people told me I'd get to this point, I was SO persistent on them being wrong. BUT I was actually wrong, because here I am and I'm definitely okay! Now in no way do I forget what happened or how I felt and I can't say "oh yea I'm perfectly fine with everything" because that's not true. I can never erase any pain I have felt in the past or how that has affected my thinking now. However, I can look back and just be okay. Just like Whitney Houston's song "It's not right, but it's okay...I'm gonna make it anyway". All that happened wasn't right, it never will be and yea that sucks, but it's okay and I am making it. AND I will continue to make it through anything else. 
My attitude has really just changed to a whole "I really don't care anymore" type, surprisingly! I'm done with all that crap honestly. I'm done with caring (in this sense). Deep inside, I know I'm good with me and that's a lot better than what most people can say.
It's just such a heavy burden off my shoulders to just not care anymore, to not let those feelings or thoughts hurt me or have a hold on me anymore. 

I never, ever, ever thought I'd get to this point. Even if I talked/thought about this point in the past, it was just a way for me to try and be hopeful so that I would make it through, but...

Here I am. And here I'll stay. 
:)

& really i think i like who i'm becoming.

Do you ever look back to reflect upon yourself and how you have changed? I feel that not many people take the time to realize how they've changed, because it kind of just happens with time. It's just a given that everyone changes. When you're younger, you plan out like your whole life...I'm going to have this career, live there, be married by this age, and have kids by this age. And as you grow up you realize that's not reality. It's nice to have an idea of where you're going and where you want to go in life, but having every single detail planned especially according to time just isn't realistic. Of course, it takes time to realize that. If you would've asked me 5 years ago about where I would see myself now at the age of almost 23 (woah! sounds SO weird), I definitely wouldn't have imagined this at all (for the most part at least). Sometimes that can be overwhelming to accept, but lately I've found myself okay with things "going with the flow". I've finally realized that I can't control ever aspect in my life as much as want to. I can't control others' actions and feelings. I can't control time or some events in life. However, I can control how I handle those events and my own thoughts/feelings. I can either A) choose to let it get me down, frustrate me, and stop me or B) accept it, even if I don't like it, and keep going. Choice B might take more strength and be more difficult, however it'll lead to a more positive/healthy life. 
I guess it's easy for me to reflect on my past self compared to my current self because I've kept personal summer journals (not a blog, a private hand-written journal) since I was 15. Sometimes I read them and I think, "What the hell was I thinking?" It's somewhat funny, but I suppose it's all a learning process and helped me grow to where I am now and much more importantly where I'm going because there's always room for personal growth. With this whole Facebook Timeline thing I have been able to go look at old posts. I was so angry and shut down a few years ago. Now, I'm totally different. I've almost always been positive about most things in life, but people and situations made me fume with anger. It was stupid now that I think about it. Why was I like that?! I still hold in a lot of anger at times, but I've done so much better with letting it go and moving on. Sometimes the emotion of anger is not worth it. I've said before how my strength during some situations in my life has really surprised me, but I also surprise myself with my attitude and how I handle things now. 

I used to feel so afraid and like I had absolutely no control over anything in my life. That if things didn't go as I had wanted or planned, then life was basically pointless. I just see things so much differently now. At the end of the day, if things don't go as planned, bad events occur, or people I really care about/love let me down, then I still and always will have myself. I've realized, that's enough. Some people can't even say they have that or never will be able to say they have that, so that makes me feel content. 
I will still get upset, angry, hurt, or frustrated every now and then because I am human, but I now see it's okay and it'll be okay. 
It's very reassuring to be able to rely on yourself.

"Really, I think I like who I'm becoming."

honesty.

I feel that honesty or lack thereof has been a reoccurring issue. I guess everyone finds it so difficult to be honest. But I wish people could just be honest with me, even if it's something that may bother me or upsets me...I'd much rather have the truth. If I could be, I would be completely open and honest with everyone. However, I feel that people get so easily offended and take things the wrong way so it's almost impossible. For me on the other hand, I'd much rather prefer someone to approach me about something they feel, think, believe, etc. If I do something wrong at work, if I offend someone by what I say, if I hurt someone's feelings, if I'm not doing something correctly, if I annoy you, or if something is wrong, then just tell me. As long as you say it in a kind and polite manner, then please tell me! I'd much rather know what the deal is so I can correct it. How can I become a better person with work, relationships, friendships, etc if no one is ever honest with me? That's why I always tell people to be honest with me. That's why I always ask people, "does that offend you?", "did I do that right?", "is everything okay?" I don't just ask those questions just to ask. I truly mean it and I want an HONEST answer. You could hate everything I do and yea it might suck to hear that, but if you at least say it in a mature and polite way, then that's fine. Thanks for being honest. And I really DON'T want to hear something a year later or even a few weeks later. You better tell me how you feel the moment you feel it, because I don't do that whole, "oh yea I was mad a few weeks ago because..." or "I started feeling this way about a year ago..." (like what the hell is that anyway?!) especially if I constantly ask people to be honest with me. That will surely piss me off. Everyone knows I hardly get mad at people and I can contain myself pretty well, but I can only be pushed so far...

I'm tired of people lying to me. I've caught your lies. I'm not an idiot, just so you know. I play like I don't know what's going on, but I know. Trust me, just because I'm quiet and civil, doesn't mean I don't have thoughts. In fact because I am quiet and so observant, I am able to notice all these petty little things. I'm tired of stories being made up. I'm tired of people avoiding things because they can't brave up and be honest. I'm tired of damn excuses. I'm tired of people doing this crap and acting like everything is peachy keen. It's not. It's NOT okay for you to treat someone like myself this way. I'm tired of people taking advantage of my selfless personality. It's a shame on you. I'm tired of people not just coming to me and talking things out with me. Is it that hard?
I swear some people are lucky I'm still in their lives and still kind to them. I question if some people even deserve it. One day when everyone else screws you over, I might not be around and then you'll realize it.

It's not me; it's you.

I go through these stages where I think, "Is it me? Is there something I'm doing wrong? What's wrong with me? Am I not worthy enough?". And honestly, those thoughts are kind of painful. I'm starting to come to the realization though, that it's not me. I'm not saying that everything I do is perfect and that nothing about me needs to change, but I do not think I am really and truly the problem. 

It's just extremely difficult to grasp why people find it okay to be hurtful to others especially when those others are good people. How do you find that acceptable? How do you live with yourself knowing thinking that is okay? 

I've always been a giving person. It's who I am. It's in my blood. It's one of the traits I really like about myself because it truly shows how selfless I typically am. I guess people take advantage of that. I guess people think it's okay to walk over the "nice guy". When I would talk to others about being giving and people not appreciating it as much as they should, they would wonder why I am this way. They'd be like "Why don't you ask him to pay you back?" or "You should confront her about it". 

My response to all that is, if you can truly live with yourself knowing that you treat genuinely kind people in this manner, then that just shows how you are as a person. I'll have my pride and dignity knowing that I was the true person who loved unconditionally and who really meant what I said. While you on the other hand have some MUCH larger issues to deal with.

So instead of me thinking of all the things that could be wrong with me in order for people to be so inconsiderate to me, I have finally noticed that the problem might just be within those certain people. 

I just have to let go because obviously you did a long time ago.  

why do i care so much?

I go through random moments where I question myself. I think, "why in the world do I care so much about others when I also have such a negative view on humanity in general?" One big reason I truly love animals over anything in this world is because humans are very messed up in my opinion. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions and says, "Well that's stupid, because you're a human!", get this... I know that I am human and like everyone else; I make mistakes. I don't believe that every human is inadvertently evil and hateful, but the majority of humans are. I have seen and felt it myself. I've seen people be so hurtful to others that it's unbelievable. It's as if people get enjoyment out of pushing others so far down. Even I, the person who basically is a pessimist about society and dislikes a majority of humans, have one of the kindest hearts to pretty much ANYONE I come in contact with. 

So I get confused as to why I'm like this. Why do I even care to be so friendly, helpful, and even give people the benefit of the doubt when I know most likely that person wouldn't do half the stuff I'd do for them? I think one way I've answered that question is by realizing that I still have a very small, yet strong bit of hope left in me. (I know that sounded like a contradiction!) I think maybe, just maybe my selflessness, kindness, and caring attitude will be contagious. Maybe that one person who I helped out or smiled at or complimented or went out of my way for will be inspired to do the same for someone else. Maybe some bit of frustration, hatred, and rudeness will dissipate because I did something they did not expect just out of the kindness of my heart. I really don't expect to be honored or gratified, although a simple "thank you" would be nice at times. Believe it or not, the amount of people (including "grown men") can't even say "thanks" while I'm waiting a long time to hold the door for them. 

This is exactly why I am OVERLY appreciative and surprised when people do nice things especially strangers. It's sad that it's a surprise when people do good things. It shouldn't be, yet so many people in this world are selfish. I am constantly thinking of others who I've never even met. And no, it's not me just laying in bed at night saying, "Oh I feel bad for the children in Africa, I pray they will be okay." I'm always thinking about what I can I do for this particular group or for this person or I imagine how happy someone would be for doing an act of kindness. Just thinking about that and their appreciation makes me happy.

And although animals can't actually say "thank you", I can tell that they appreciate the attention, care, and love they get from me. Some people will never, ever understand that and that's too bad for you. However, I have and always will feel this connection and appreciation from them. So this is why I like them so much more than humans. Humans, on the other hand, are a whole other story when it comes to appreciation or kindness.

And you know what, it's so hard to be an overly caring person in such a society that has so many hateful and cruel people. It's not that it's difficult to possess those traits (I don't think it's hard to be a genuinely good person), but I think it's hard on people who are overly caring when they realize how many times humanity lets them down. It almost gets to the point of saying "why should I care anymore?" It takes so much strength to realize you can't expect everyone to be like you and that even though you remember someone's birthday or you go out of your way to help someone out, that the chances of them appreciating you like you would appreciate them are very slim. 

It's a sad reality I come across way too many times, but for now I'll continue to be how I am because that's exactly how I think I should be.

old poetry.

So I came across some old poetry I wrote a few years ago, that I actually like. It's odd to think that I wrote something that I actually like from so long ago, because usually I look back at things and I'm like "what was I thinking?" So thought I'd share a few!

Ignorance in You

In the darkness lurks ignorance

Hidden in the silence of the soul

Eyes shut and closed minds

With no care to surroundings

Truth is pushed to the side

All that is noticed now are lies

What they see is what they believe

Without really looking into things

Walls are put up for protection

Protection of something harmless

When acceptance diminishes, 

What will be left but your ignorance?

Unknown Feelings

Dear beautiful one, don't start to cry
Please don't flood your beautiful eyes
Wipe away your saddened tears
And let your gorgeous smile appear
Your heart is fragile, I can tell
Inside you feel like your in hell
From this world, you want to hide
Deep down you have no spec of pride
How is it I know what you feel?
These words may seem so unreal
I know because I feel too
These feelings no one ever knew

Summer Memories

Waking up in the exhilarating sunlight
Smiles that could make the corrupt world so right
The crisp calm air after a breathtaking sunrise
Converting to temperatures of sweat and blue skies
Laughing hysterically with the best of friends
Wishing that the summer season would never end
Night appears, nature is tranquil again
Time to reminisce on way back when
The dreams, the adventures, the pleasure
In the end just left with memories of leisure
It is impossible to disregard these recollections
Because they are the days that taught us true affection

**All 3 poems are originally written by me.** LK

So, tell me what you think! :)

It's just not who I am.

This whole trip out of the country has had me deeply thinking about one specific topic even more than I usually do. That topic is how I don't fit in. I appreciate parts of my culture and I know that will always be a part of me. I will always be diverse and have some traits that I got from that culture, but I feel like people want me to be something I'm not nor will ever be. It really makes me upset because I shouldn't have to conform to make everyone else happy especially if I'm not doing anything wrong. (Well in their eyes maybe I am since they want me to be this ideal person they picture me as). I've heard people say how if interracial couples have children, then the mixed children will have a hard time identifying with their race. Well I think it's more difficult if you are a part of pretty much opposite cultures. I don't think my sister or I have to choose which culture we identify with because I pick up something from each. However, my PERSONAL lifestyle is leaning more towards American with different aspects of Iranian. 

I just get really frustrated because I think a majority of my family (not all, so please don't get offended if you're reading this and you are a part of my family) doesn't TRULY know who I am and if they did would they want to know that side of me? Trust me, I am not some crazy, party rebel girl, but I just don't think they know my interests and what really makes me happy.

Just seeing what they really enjoy and what they think is great and what they expect is absolutely overwhelming. A lot of this is NOT me, but I feel like it's expected of me just because I was born a part of this culture.

I'm not fancy china dishes at every meal. I'm not forcing people to eat & eat & eat when they are full. I'm not uptight and running all over the place. I'm not a boring and extra fancy wedding in which the bride and groom don't smile EVER. I'm not the cat-like dance moves. I am not the 10 chandeliers in the house. I am not the put 2 pounds of food on my plate even though I'm 22 and can serve myself. I am not the "I care about what everyone else thinks, so I must look fancy" attitude. I am not the non-smiling face in a photograph. I am not the extra social extrovert. I am not the girl who is supposed to marry who my parents want because I should want to make them happy. I am not rice with every meal. I am not the super fancy & uncomfortable curtains, drapes, rugs, and bedding. I am not "you gotta believe in God". I am not the feta cheese & butter on bread for breakfast every morning. I am not the music with the same male and female voices that just sound like they are yelling. I am not the talk that always sounds angry and like an argument. I am not the woman expected to just clean up after everyone while the guys just get to sit around every single time. I am not my parents planning my whole wedding.

This is not me, but I feel like it's almost forced upon me like I'm supposed to conform to that just because part of my culture does that. I don't do everything from either culture. There's things I despise from the American culture like eating out at fast food restaurants continuously and the gluttony.

I am humorous. I am fun. I am laid back, but organized. I am a volunteer that thinks of the environment and about animals constantly. I am loud rap music in my car. I am contemporary designs. I am grilling food by the pool. I am cooking healthy vegetarian meals. I am the bright colors. I am the smiling person in a photograph. I am open-minded. I am diversity. I am zumba dance moves. I am make people feel comfortable, but not being pushy. I am sleepovers with friends even if I'm 22. I am making jokes and being random. I am feeding stray cats. I am pancakes or french toast for breakfast. I am sitting outside on the porch eating dinner while watching Fantasy Factory. I am Redbox movies with my sister. I am fart noises with my mouth & ugly faces. I am the screaming fan at a baseball or basketball game. I am the individual hello and goodbye to my pets each time I leave for a while because they mean so much to me. I am the think about others mindset. I am the go out to Taco Bell at 1 AM blasting music & singing. I am conspiracy theories. I am thinking outside the box.  

That's just part of who I am.

I've just been feeling really out of place and that my true personality and interests might not be what is expected of me, but that's the key word...ME. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not a terrible person. In fact I think I'm genuinely a good person. 

It's been causing me a lot of anxiety and I'm not sure how it's going to be as I grow older.

scrambled thoughts.

Scrambled thoughts seem to be a common issue for me. There's so much I have in my mind, so much I wish I could say, so much I wish I could understand and make others understand, and so on. I honestly don't know if much of this post will make sense to anyone because yet again it's just about my scrambled thoughts. I just feel like I need to let them out. So here are my thoughts that are consuming me at the moment...

-I surprise myself with this hypocritical feeling, but I generally do not like humans/people, but I'm too good and too nice to people (even people I'm hardly close to). Why?! Some people might call that fake, but it's not. I am genuinely a kind & caring person, but I think even though I don't like most people, I still feel like if I have a good heart towards them, then it'll be contagious. Like somehow those people will see my goodness and be inspired by it or appreciate it. I've come to realize it doesn't work that way. I need to expect less or nothing from people whether they are close to me or not. It's that sad truth  Unfortunately not many people truly know how I am and what I can be except for my sister. People will say I'm nice, but they don't know the extent and/or don't care. 

I know this is weird, but even if you're confident in yourself and about who you are as a person, it starts to make you wonder "what's wrong with me?" when other people don't acknowledge you/your efforts. :/

-Life is just confusing. I feel like we just chase our so called "dreams" if we even know what they are or if those are even realistic dreams. Sometimes the purpose is difficult to find when you are looking through a muddy lens. I try to not see things in that way because I am a positive person, but sometimes things just don't make sense.

-I am tired of this damn empty and incomplete feeling that goes away for some bit, but consumes me for a few hours here and there. I try so hard to fight it back, but it's just difficult in some situations. I get to thinking and I get this empty feeling. I'm okay, I just wish I could avoid that feeling all the time.

-I HATE feeling stuck and that's exactly what I feel now. 

-I would like to have new friends in the Gwinnett area since I won't be out in Carrollton at college anymore. I don't know how I'm going to survive in this house without my sister when she goes back to college in August. Then again, I don't think I'm the greatest at making new friends even though I think I'm a great & loyal friend...

-Money causes me stress. To be honest, right now money could by me happiness because I wouldn't feel stuck in a lot of the situations I'm facing.

-I need to read The 50th Law some more. It's really motivating and straight forward. However, I just have to put it into affect which is the challenging part. 

That's it for now.

Looking Back.

So it's officially here, my college graduation. After tomorrow I will have accomplished a big milestone in my life and achieve my undergraduate degree in early childhood education. Now, most people in my situation are or would be ecstatic to be graduating, but me...not so much. Don't get me wrong I am SO excited and proud of myself for reaching this goal and for graduating with Magna Cum Laude honors (3.87 GPA-yay!), but the future is scary to me. I don't really even have the passion in my degree I used to have. I don't know what my next step or what path I'm going to take next. I know a lot of people are going to ask me, "So what are you doing after you graduate?". Honestly, I don't know and I wish I did, but I'm just going to take it a step at a time and have faith in myself that no matter what choice I make, I will be successful. I just have to be patient and optimistic and as always, determined. 

Anyway, I wanted to do a post looking back at my 4 years of UWG and college. I swear it feels like I was just moving into my dorm room in 2008 with my family helping me. It was such a big adjustment and although I did fine, I didn't feel completely connected until more recently. I had so many great memories, laughs, experiences, and friends from UWG. 

So here's a list of all my memories:

-Hanging out with Brittney, Tyrone, & Sabrina freshman year. They were my first group of friends on campus and we had so many laughs, random jokes, late nights, and memories. I'm glad I had them there to share our first year experiences together especially since I didn't know anyone really.

-Pretty much my WHOLE entire sophomore year except for a few things here & there. I feel like my relationship at the time was at a great point, which sucks now, but looking back I truly miss those memories like going to the Heat/Hawks game & New Moon premiere. My classes that year were really interesting and I feel like my mind opened up even more when I took an educational diversity course (my favorite class I've taken). I started volunteering at the animal shelter and with Love Not Litter. Met some great people in the process and found my favorite part of being in Carrollton--working with the animals at the shelter.

-Being co-president of Love Not Litter even though it was difficult and time consuming at times, I still enjoyed it and I like knowing I had somewhat of an impact on the campus and the environment. Plus, I gained leadership experience which helped me a lot.

-The cohorts I had with Amanda & Ruth. They have been my education major friends and it's been helpful to have them to remind me or help me with anything we had to do. We enjoyed some laughs especially with some of the classes we had! I don't think I could've handled working on the file folder project without them for those 10 hours!

-Being at UWG during Summer 2011 and just enjoying little things like living in Arbor View, getting a GTL from Starbucks before class, and my gym routines. I even liked my roommates during summer and of course I lived with them the shortest time period!

-Going to Zumba and meeting Sophia during my senior year. The late night talks we had in the TLC parking lot after zumba and at her apartment after American Horror Story girls nights were so much fun. I felt like I was really able to connect with her and vent/cry to her when I was feeling down about some issues. It really sucks to have to leave after finding someone I could really bond with! 

-Going to all the gym classes I went to like yoga, zumba, krunk, and running the track. I got a lot of stress out at the gym and was able to just let go and have fun in the classes. So glad I made the decision to go to those classes this past year! I'm really going to miss all the fun and excitement in zumba & krunk. I know I won't be able to find that anywhere else!

-My student teaching experiences, even though some weren't the greatest. I met some great teachers and some students that really touched my heart. I honestly think my student teaching experiences have helped me grow a lot as a person because I used to have such a fear to get in front of people, but I became more comfortable and confident. 

-All the times Leila was able to come stay at UWG with me. It was great to show her around and enjoy time with her like when we went to 6 flags, the UWG football game & parade, La Trattoria, power naps and then late night shopping, and me falling out of my desk chair and her laughing at me.

-When Leila & Ashley came to UWG in February of this year. We had SO many laughs and I was so glad to see them both. ZOMBIES! haha

-Living with Tango in my own apartment. Even though living with random roommates is pretty much TERRIBLE and annoying, I still enjoyed being able to have Tango as comfort. I think he made a big difference in my happiness even though that might sound crazy, but he brought me joy! It was amazing to FINALLY have my own bathroom and kitchen.

-Living on my own in general. It's REALLY going to suck to revert back to living at home for a bit. I mean I LOVE Gwinnett and my house and my family, but I'm at the age where I'm just ready to be independent and on my own to be honest. It's going to feel weird to reverse it a bit, so hopefully I can get a job & move out quick!

-Ludacris Concert!!!!! That was my first real concert and I had SO much fun with my friends. We were probably some of the most hype and excited people there. We danced and sang to every song. I wish I could relive it again!

-My on campus job. I LOVED LOVED LOVED LOVED my job on campus. I seriously am so lucky to have been able to work in such a great environment and with some really amazing people. My supervisor and grad assistant for the program have been like mentors to me. I have gained SO much from knowing them and being around them. They have made a huge impact on me and I greatly appreciate it and will miss them dearly!

-Finding strength in myself the past year and becoming what I am. I still always look back with shock and amazement that I was able to accomplish what I did under the circumstances I had to handle. I made a 4.0 for the past 2 years of college and was an overload student for 1 whole year. So, considering all that went on and still doing so well, I just can't believe it. I'm proud of myself for making it through and although I still struggle, I am getting better with handling those emotions, pains, and downfalls. Pressure Makes Diamonds & I am determined to become that diamond! :)

-Meeting with someone who was probably my BIGGEST impact in college for part of my senior year. I don't talk about this to many people because I don't feel like explaining myself, but she helped me gain my strength and realize I can be okay. I could easily relate to her and I was so shocked how similar our beliefs were. I came to her unsure, broken, and so hurt. I was able to talk about my frustrations, pain, and worries with so much trust. I honestly looked forward to every Friday when I would see her because I felt such a relief talking with her. Having her there to listen and help me process the hurt I felt has saved me I believe. I was at SUCH a low point and she was someone who I could rely on. So glad I had made the decision to make an appointment because it has made a HUGE difference and I am forever grateful for that.

So it's apparent as to why I don't want to leave this great university. I am very attached and have such a valuable time here. I will truly miss it and the people I've come close with, but I will have to visit in the future. West Georgia will always be a part of me and I'm so glad I went here. On to the next chapter...

not a cookie cutter girl.

A lot of times in my life I have felt VERY out of place. It's a continual feeling I am overwhelmed with. I am so grateful for who I am and that's partially due to the way I was raised and my parents. However, there is something about myself and my sister that sets us apart definitely from people in our age range, but also from just people in general. Maybe this is the reason why I am the nicest person to pretty much everyone and am so willing to help others out, yet I hardly have any friends. I've been used to this though ever since about middle school. I am not some awkwardly social or extremely unfriendly, rude, and careless person. I don't know what exactly it is about my sister and I that makes us so different. Well I could list off the aspects that make us different, but I don't completely know why. I honestly feel like I'm not from this place at times, as crazy as that may sound I feel it's true. I feel a huge disconnect from everyone else. Everyone seems to have the same lifestyles, same beliefs, same type of friends, same personalities, same habits, same addictions, and even the same paths that they follow.

Over the past few years especially more so recently, I have really thought about all this. It's like society creates this idea of how we should be in life. Girls should want to be married with children by mid-twenties, taking care of a husband, cleaning the house, hardly making any money or just being a stay at home mom because "you've got a man you can depend on financially & emotionally" (until  he cheats on you or you divorce), get nails & hair done at least 2 times a month, have lots of shopping trips so you can buy the most up to date trending items out there, and so on. It's like it's supposed to be a destiny for all girls/women to want to have children and feel like that's their "duty in life". They are expected to desire and love those children before they are even born. Now, I'm not saying I wouldn't be a great parent because I know for sure I would be. Like I said, I am very loving and take care of people I am hardly close to, so imagine how I am with those who I am close with. I would do EVERYTHING in my capability to give my child/children the best and most stable life possible. Yet, I hardly have the desire to have children. Is that a problem because I'm a girl? When most women look at pictures of babies or talk about their future wedding plans they get so excited or "ooh" and "ahh". I'm more like "ehh whatever cool". Leila and I have talked about this before and about why we are like that. We aren't really sure why, but it's just how we feel. We are young for crying out loud, why should that be our focus anyway?

Do I need to be this cookie cutter way to have a complete and fulfilling life? Do I need to have a extreme desire to want that life?

I'm just tired of girls being pitiful, weak, dependent (especially just on a man) and cookie cutter like because then there are girls like me who don't fit that at all in my opinion. 

One BIG example I hate is when girls complain (not going to use the original word that came to my mind) about how "guys should pay for everything on a date". Ok really?! I think things should be done equally in a relationship. Here's an idea, perhaps try alternating who pays on a date! I also hate when men & women do different "gendered" tasks such as women clean the house, take care of kids, and cook dinner while men just do yard work and make the majority of money for the family. Another thing that I think should be done equally and in an alternating manner or even done together. Is that too crazy of an idea?

I've said this before, but my main goal in life is to be COMPLETELY dependent upon myself in all ways of life. I want to have people there for me if I do ever need them (like my family), but I want to achieve that. My accomplishments in life will mean so much more when I can look back and say "Look what I did!" (key word 'I'). 

I don't need someone to help me unpack at my apartment, I don't need someone to open the car door for me, I don't need someone to walk me back to my place, I don't need someone to pay for me. I appreciate your concern, but I GOT IT!

So to sum this rant all up, I just think in the end it feels so much better if you can reflect upon yourself and your actions and be proud of what YOU did and what YOU accomplished and who YOU truly are.

Fear Nothing.

"Your fears are a kind of prison that confines you within a limited range of action. The less you fear, the more power you will have and the more fully you will live."--Robert Greene

Today I picked up a book I've been meaning to read for like the past 2 years called The 50th Law written by 50 Cent (my favorite musical artist & celebrity I look up to) and Robert Greene. When I picked the book up the clerk at the desk said "You know what this is about right? It's about dominating people, blah blah blah".  I was kind of offended because he probably hardcore judged me for my book choice. Plus, it's NOT about dominating people. I already started reading it and loved it within the first few pages. The book is mainly about fear and how to conquer that fear and become more powerful in the process. Some of the famous quotes and concepts in the book are really thought provoking. I feel as though reading this book is going to be highly beneficial to my mindset. I would really love to become a fearless and powerful person. I like to be in control and in charge. I like to be on top of my game. I enjoy depending on myself while others depend on everything and everyone, BUT his or herself.

Anyway, this book got me thinking about fear and how it's used as a way to control. Some people play upon people's fears. This happens ALL the time with government and with religion. He even says in the book, 

"Out of fear, we also developed religion and various belief systems that comfort us. Fear is the oldest and strongest emotion known to man, something deeply inscribed in our nervous system and subconscious."  

It appears as though a vast majority of people have this huge fear of a "higher being" and I'm not sure why. First of all even as parents, we are NOT supposed to have our children fear us, yet respect us. So why do people feel the need to say ridiculous things such as "I only fear God"? Why? What are you doing so wrong in this world that you need to fear some higher invisible being? It's just another attempt at controlling people and playing with their emotions. Fear is what makes you weak. It stops you from being you. It holds you back from opportunities. It makes you dependent. It traps you and confines you.
Everyone has emotions and that's completely natural. We are technically animals, so it's instinct to have fears, but when you let those fears consume you then that's when it becomes a problem. 
I really truly want to begin to live this lifestyle of less or no fear. I typically get a lot of anxiety and fear about things that are out of my control although I've gotten much better. Now, I'd like to look at those situations that bring fear to me and instead of avoiding it, getting anxious, and/or upset, I will deal with it head on. Instead of letting fear and adversity get the best of me, I will find a way to come out stronger and more powerful. I will turn something negative and make it positive. I will not live in a fantasy world, but I will accept reality while working on the aspects that I have control over. 
This might be difficult and somewhat of a process, but I believe that I have the drive, fury, and extreme amounts of desire to go through with this idea of "fear nothing". I don't want to settle for less and I always will want more, so I feel as though this book and all the concepts presented in it are perfect for me, especially at this point in my life.

Fear Nothing. 

heartache.

For once I'm not talking about heartache that deals with love and relationships. However, it's almost as complicated to be honest. I probably shouldn't even be writing right now, but I need to vent perhaps for some sanity, so here I go.

So I mentioned the fact that I applied to grad school for a College Student Affairs degree in a previous blog and I was pretty stoked for the opportunity. But lately, my mind has been spinning and flipping to figure out just what I truly want. I wish I had an answer. I wish anyone had an answer for me, but it doesn't work that way. I know I have to learn for myself and figure it out. These feelings are what are causing me to feel stuck and that's what leads me to the title of my entry...heartache.

Have you ever had to make a decision in your life in which either one would lead to heartache?!
Well that's exactly the type of situation I'm in right now.
I genuinely LOVE West Georgia. I have gained so much from my experience here and it really hasn't had anything to do with my education/schooling here. It's been more about my experiences, people I've connected with, and opportunities I've had. However, that's a whole other entry I need to write closer to graduation probably (which by the way is EXACTLY a month from today...SCARY!!).
What I am getting at is that I love UWG as a college, my on campus job, the animal shelter, new friends I've made, even my regular gym classes and routines. I love and enjoy being able to be on my own and do things when I want to. It makes me feel my age and like I'm an adult. Sometimes at home I feel the opposite of that.

Then on the other hand, I LOVE being back home in Gwinnett. I love the comfort I feel when I'm there, which is a HUGE factor in my life. I feel like I am where I belong when I'm in Gwinnett; I don't feel that in Carrollton. I love being around what I grew up around. As stupid as this may sound to some people...I love being there with my cat AND dog. If you really know me, you know my pets mean the world to me and are my children basically. Being away from any of my pets is highly difficult for me especially when I know my sister isn't there to take care of Nyxie anymore. So whatever, judge me for that reason, but it's honest. Gwinnett was also my plan and even though I realize things don't always go as planned...I feel like it's what makes me happy. I feel like my money situations will be more manageable back home which would help me succeed more.

So Gwinnett has what's comfortable to me while Carrollton has the enjoyable aspects that I've grown to love over the past few years. I don't know if one decision is better than the other for ME, personally. I see pros & cons in both. If I go to Gwinnett, I won't have my Carroll Animal Shelter anymore, my usual hanging out with college friends, the fun gym classes, the people at my job and the people on campus that I've become familiar with, and for some period of time I won't really have the freedom that I enjoy at UWG. However, Carrollton doesn't have my family, all around comfort level, both my pets, or as much financial stability.

I am trying to see it as though I'm choosing between two great places that I love, but then I'm just back at the same issue. Either way, I will feel sad to pick one over the other. It's such a heartache to even think about choosing. Each day that passes is closer to graduation and big decisions that I have to make. It's honestly causing me a LOT of anxiety because it's one of the most difficult decisions I feel like I've had to make yet.

I need and long for certainty & stability.

Growing up is hard...

Who knew that growing up would be so challenging?! I knew there were difficult parts of growing up, specifically money and time management, but I didn't know the issues I'm facing now would be a part of growing up. I always thought I was certain about so much in my life. I want to do this and live here and be with this person and have this many kids and live in this type of house. Now I'm literally just like "I don't know" or "I'm not sure right now" about a lot in my life. I've been having a particularly rough week and honestly I have been an emotional wreck. This is usual for me recently. I can usually handle stress and issues pretty well. I am not letting these issues ruin my happiness, but it is just bugging at me. I was at the point where I just kept taking naps in order to avoid thoughts about the future, which reminds me of a different scary point in my life around this time last year. All my issues go away temporarily as I sleep and as soon as I wake up they literally flood my brain. It's exhausting being me and having the thoughts I have.

I talked to my dad about these issues and tried SO hard to not cry and be a "big girl", but I just broke down because I don't want to waste time and I want to make the right decisions while being happy now and in the future. I just don't know what will bring me that yet. I know I work my hardest in all that I am passionate about, but I just want to find that point in my life where I'm so content with pretty much everything. I'm not saying that life will ever be perfect and always go my way, but I'm saying I want to be at that comfortable, truly happy point in my life. So of course my dad was all worried about me because of how much stress this was causing me. We talked more about this and he said he's "200%" behind me and knows that I can do so much and that he doesn't think I realize how smart/good I am at school. It's amazing having parental support, but I was trying to make him realize that my main goal in life is to be able to be completely dependent upon myself and not like 25 years from now. I want this to happen before I'm like 30...is that so wrong?! I know my parents will always help me out and don't mind and my dad said "what's the point of being a parent then?"...which is true, but I still don't want to be this mid-20s girl that still lives at home & has dad paying for big things in my life. I do pay for so much & do as much as I can given the situation, but I just want to not have to depend on them. I want them to have less expenses and live more comfortably. 

I argued that it's because I care so much about my future and he said "maybe too much" because I can't plan everything for the future. I know this is reality, but I like to have a plan and know what's going on. Uncertainty scares me. Choosing the path I want to take in life and looking at all the pros/cons, obstacles, and outcomes is just so overwhelming. For some it may be easy to just graduate college and move on, but for me it's definitely not that easy. I analyze everything and look to how things will affect me in the long run.

I don't want to live an average paycheck to paycheck lifestyle. I want to do so much more in life that just the average/regular. I just want to find my correct path in life that will make me feel complete.

decisions, decisions.

I just read some of my past blog posts and saw the post that I discussed how I don't know where I'll be after I graduate, what I'm going to do, and how I am going to deal with leaving UWG. I literally started this week not feeling like myself, feeling down, feeling alone, feeling so confused with what to do & making decisions. I try to compose myself and not breakdown emotionally as much as I used to, but I seriously broke down in tears earlier in the week because of how I felt. Then things flipped on me.
Within one conversation on one day this week with people from my on campus job, I had a spontaneous decision to apply to grad school at UWG for a degree in Professional Counseling with a focus on College Student Affairs. It sounded like a great opportunity, I had some great people really routing for me and supporting me, and it could open so many more doors for me. It's overwhelming in SO many ways because I hardly ever make spontaneous decisions and I mean EVER. I like to think things through for quite a while, but this just sounded like a good fit for me. Plus, I just applied. I still have to get accepted and actually confirm that I want to do this for sure. However, it's still exciting and it got me to thinking about how it's so weird to look at how we get to a certain point in our lives.
It's like a ripple affect. One thing can affect another even if it's the smallest aspect. One decision can lead to so many other outcomes. My big example that came to mind is the fact that I'm at UWG. To be honest, I really didn't know much about UWG. The reason I came is somewhat embarassing, even though I would have never said this a few years ago. So maybe I didn't necessarily come for the right reasons, but I can truthfully say coming here was one of my greatest decisions along with a few other ones I have made. I feel that I've accomplished so much while here and grown so much. So if I do continue to be here for 2 more years, then I can enjoy that decision I made back in 2008 even more. It sure would be nice to not have to say good-bye for good in April, so I think this is a good idea.
Also, just want to say thank you again to the people who were so supportive, kind, helpful, and encouraging. I am honestly so grateful to know you all & be around you. It makes me feel so great that people believe in me and want me to do so well and can see all my potential.  I promise I won't disappoint. It's not an option for me. :)

Healing vs. Coping

It's been quite a while since I've wrote a blog because I've been extremely busy & stressed. So this topic has been on my mind lately...healing vs. coping. Sometimes I feel like everything is fine and I wonder if that is because I'm so busy I don't have time to think about how I really feel. Then there's those times that I have a quick panic moment where I just want to break down because I'm SO confused. Then other times I just don't care either way anymore because I can only control so much in my life. I can only put in my efforts and reach my personal goals that I have control over. In the past few months I've had this sense of empowerment especially if you look at my last blogs, but my thoughts recently have made me question how I really feel. Am I really healed or healing? Maybe somewhat. Will I ever be completely healed? No, most likely I will never be completely healed. Think of it like this...after I got in a big car accident in 2009, I asked my dad if I would be able to keep my Honda Accord. He told me that even if it got repaired & was drivable, it wouldn't ever be the same because the engine and all the parts were shaken up. The only real way to resolve that issue was for me to get a new car. I feel the exact same way. Although I can be "repaired" somewhat, I'm always going to have that heartbreak as a part of me sadly. As much as I want to deny that I'm going to be scarred for my whole life, I just know how I am. My heart and mind have both been shaken up just like my Honda was. The difference is I can't replace my heart or mind or be a whole different me. It just doesn't work that way.
So am I really healing? Or am I just learning how to cope really well?
I have a lot of strength as I've mentioned before and I'm typically pretty optimistic/positive. I try so hard to keep pushing forward on my own. I look to myself for encouragement and motivation. That strength is the reason I'm able to cope. I've just learned to deal with it. I've learned to accept it. I've learned to acknowledge that certain aspects of my life most likely won't turn out how I would like, so I've just chosen to focus on aspects that I know I can control. I'd rather face the reality now than 10 years from now have it hit me and then feel worse about it. However, it still hurts which is why I don't think I'll ever heal. I hate that, but I am serious when I say I try so hard to completely look past it all. It's more complicated than you'll know.
So don't think that I'm being some pessimist; I am just trying to be real with myself. I know that things will be "okay" since I've learned to cope and get on with other things in life that make me happy, but a piece of me will always be scarred, torn, heartbroken, shattered, or some other similar word. I know things will be "okay", I'm just coping with the fact that I have to accept that certain things aren't going to turn out how I imagined or how I'd like for them to be in my life.

working with the negatives could make for better pictures.

I've noticed that over the past year I've really become a more proactive and positive person...much more than I was before. There are those days that I complain and feel so frustrated. There are those days I want to just cry because I feel so let down and confused. However, overall I've learned to have a more positive attitude and to be a more proactive person. Today I thought about how maybe it's because I lost a big, important part of my life and so the small negatives in life seem so miniscule compared to that loss. I think about how if I wasn't missing that part of my life and gained it back after knowing what I know now, then things would be SUPER! I would handle things in such a different way. I wouldn't blow up about the stupidest things. I would look for the brighter side in situations and try to find solutions instead of just getting overly emotional. I wouldn't take that "complete" feeling for granted at all...I would cherish it. Well sadly I can't take back time, so I guess it's good that I've decided to look forward.

I seriously used to get upset over small stuff and let it bother me for so long, but I've learned to let go. Some things just really aren't that serious and it doesn't do any good to over stress something to the point that it ruins you. I've learned to manage my stress, anger, and saddness much better than I ever have before. I feel like now, I am better prepared for unfortunate situations. Even things like car issues would make me stress like crazy. Now, I just look at the situation, be thankful it's not worse, and try to think of a solution. It might still bother me and bring me down somedays, but I am so much better at managing the stress now. As crazy as it may sound, I constantly tell myself quotes in my head or give myself "motivational speeches" to push myself forward. I even have about 20 quotes on little post-it notes taped to my apartment wall that I add to anytime I hear/find another positive quote.
Lately I've been telling myself, "You are as acceptable and lovable as a newborn child. This is a birthright awarded by the act of creation."

I even try not to be around negative people and if I am, then I try not to let their negativity influence me. I try to stay productive and proactive instead of reactive. I've learned to have more control.
It surprises me because I was SO SO SO SO negative and hopeless at the beginning of all this drama (and I'm not saying I see a perfect life in the future), that I was afraid I'd never be okay. I guess I've just learned to process and cope with my feelings and situations that aren't so pleasant.

I really don't know where my life will go or what will happen in the future. I don't know what exact job I'll have, where I'll live, who I'll be with, or if I'll even get married or have kids, or if I even want to do all that to be honest. It worries me sometimes because I don't know what's to come, but then I just think that I need to focus on doing the best I can to get to where ever or whatever will give me complete happiness. I do know that I'm content with who I am and where I'm headed because I know that my determination will get me to a good spot especially with an optimistic attitude.

Depend on Yourself.

Lately I've been thinking of how a lot of people in my age range are very dependent upon others. I am not just saying money wise, but with making decisions in their life. I then came across this video of a YouTube blogger that I love and I think what she said was perfect! Here's the video for anyone who wants to watch.



Thinking of all this and watching this video made me really realize what one of my biggest goals in life is and that is to be as dependent upon myself as possible. I remember my dad saying a few years ago "Never depend on a guy." He told me to always make sure I was stable and had my own career, so that if one day he left I wouldn't have to worry about where I stand. Well guess what? That's what I plan on doing. As nice as it sounds to have someone make all the money and me just sit around, it's not something I'm ever comfortable with. In fact, I would rather be the more stable one in a relationship or in my family. Even when I did group projects throughout school I volunteered to do the majority of the work. Why? Because I knew I would get stuff done and make sure it was good quality. How can I be let down by the results if I am the one in control of the results? You see, people let you down. People will ALWAYS let you down. Your classmates, co-workers, society, accquantinces, friends, significant others, and family will let you down probably more than once. That's just how it goes. Now, you might let yourself down sometimes as well. For example, if you did badly on a test and you know it's because you kind of blew off studying and you know you could have done better if you actually studied. In that case, you let yourself down, BUT at least you were in control. You could have changed that result, you just chose not to by not studying. However, if you put your all into a relationship or friendship and then you depend upon that particular person to be reliable since you always are reliable to them and that person lets you down even with all your efforts, then you are in a situation that you have no control over. You did your part in the relationship or friendship and met the expectations of that friend...that was all that was pretty much in your control. Yet, they still let you down since you didn't have control.

See how being independent doesn't even have to relate with money somtimes?

I honestly can say "I TRUST ME." There are a few people I trust with certain things, but I completely trust and depend upon myself.

Now, in no way am I saying that we should throw all people out of our life and just live on our own. It's good to have friends and family that you know will support you, be there for you if you need someone to talk to, create memtories with, or make you laugh.

I never, ever was the type of girl that wanted to depend upon a guy (financially), in fact I am the type to say "No, you don't have to buy me that" or would be the girl that would get upset if a guy bought me a really expensive purse or something. It's just not my thing to be honest. And if I (did)/do ever get treated that way, I am EXTREMELY appreciative.

However, I feel like I did somewhat rely on a relationship for emotional stability and happiness. I remember I used to think well if I ever feel insecure or not confident around a bunch of people I can just remember I have someone at the end of the day. I thought that a significant other could kind of bring me strength and make me feel more confident and less self conscious about everything. So in that sense, I was dependent because I guess that's what you do when you are in a relationship & love someone. Not saying that it's all bad, but I think now I realize it's better to first be dependent upon yourself for emotional strength before relying on someone else. Because, yet again, that person might not always be there and when they are gone I can promise you it's a serious struggle to pick yourself up after being shattered to pieces. I know that I will always be with myself. I will always have my mind, my values, my respect for myself, and my thoughts.

I used to worry (and sometimes still do) about when I would get married and have kids and how I was going to find this "right" person, and how would I not be hurt? Now, I'm kind of just like "go with the flow".Does it really suck to be alone sometimes? YES!! I'm not going to lie! I'm just good with where I am going personally. I've got plans for myself and there is no one that can let me down because I'm not depending on anyone else for my happiness.

 Like I said, I am going to work to become as dependent upon myself as I can. I've talked about emotionally, but now to the financially part. It takes some time since I need a legit career before I can move out for real and pay for everything on my own and do everything on my own. I think I'm off to a really good start though. I'm so grateful for being the raised way I was/am. I know that at any moment I could ask my parents for anything and they would try their best to supply it to myself or my sister. Yet, we always try to pay for our stuff. We pay for our doctor appointments, our contact lenses, our pets (vet & food), our gas, our own products, groceries at school, our clothes, car registration & emissions, our school books, our credit card bills and definitely any luxury items. The only things we don't pay for is our car insurance, cell phone bill, and rent while living at my dad's. There have been plenty of times that I've offered my dad money for my car insurance or to help him out in any way possible. Plus, both my parents  know how grateful my sister and I. We always say how we are going to pay them back when we graduate and have a career and I seriously will. I tell my dad that my first real paycheck is going to him. It's great knowing that I can rely on my parents for help, but I would prefer not to! 

I hear some people my age and even older that still rely HEAVILY on their parents. Their parents still do their laundry, always cook for them, tell them when they need to do certain things, what decisions to make in life, what classes they need to register for, etc. It's just really odd and it's NOT cute, especially if you're a guy. Some people have never had their own job or made their own money. Why would you want to live a life like that? I just can't imagine that. Working has taught me so many values and the value of money.  It's SO much more rewarding when you work hard and earn your money to achieve the things you need/want at the end of the day.

I love the values I was taught and brought up with. I love where it is taking me in life. I love who I am becomming. I love that I am dependent upon myself and I can't wait until the day that I am fully dependent upon myself! :)

Well, that was a really long entry, so if you actually read this...thanks! I just needed to get it written down because it's been on my mind a lot lately!

Highlights of 2011

Since I went through some really tough stuff in 2011, I feel that I should take the time to look back on what actually was good and enjoyable in 2011. I'm going to go in chronological order & hopefully I don't miss anything!

-Hanging out and talking more with some people from UWG and from Block I (Amanda, Ruth, & Megan). Working on projects with Amanda & Ruth. Talking to Megan about the drama and being able to relate, which made me feel better. Going out to eat and hanging out was fun & helped get my mind of things!
-Going to Aryon's for one night. Vented a lot & he was there to support me through some of the drama. Racks on Racks, Katt Williams
-On the Border with my mom on her birthday.
-Going to Aryon's for 2 nights with Ashley and some other people. Had a blast with their friends and family. Crank that Lion King Wop, ghost ride the whip in the parking lot, fried oreoes, Ashley trying to study in the closet, "What do I look ordering dough?" I think I at out 5 times that weekend haha!
-Ashley coming over one day in March to go to IHOP and chat. All those hilarious, random pictures we took! :D
-Having Starbucks at Target with Priscilla. So glad she also listened to me vent! :)
-Got a 4.0 in Spring semester with 20 credit hours and dealing with all the drama.
-Got promoted at Papaya!
-My sister's graduation. It was kind of hectic, but Ashley spent the night & we watched old home videos of when we were cool kids.
-PCB, Florica!!! Kind of was against the trip at first for a few reasons, but I wish I was still there! Honk, HEYY!, 2 mile walk to Walmart, fire alarm at 1 AM & Leila hitting me (as I slept) saying "Loretta" thinking me it was my phone alarm, LEGIT 12 scoops of ice scream so we wouldn't waste any, the Peligrino bottle in the bed, IT'S SO COLD, Pearl, My name is Jack, grenade whistle, screaming each time a wave came, "The Situation" sunglasses, rock music, he wrote it on a napkin, the pool guy, grab the documents, the window, watching "The Hills", hotel gym and being on the elevator for like 5 minutes, ok cool guy, IN THIS BIT
-Summer classes. I actually miss living in my on campus apartment and those roomies I had. They were literally the best ones I've had! Cooking dinner, going to the gym for like 3 hours to run & do yoga. Starbucks before my class (discoverd my love for Green Tea Lemonades or GTL haha). It was a good balance to be there during the week and then come work 3 days at home on the weekend.
-Meeting Lisa and making one of the best decisions of the year for myself. I was able to overcome so much and realize who I truly am through her help. I can't even say how grateful I am for that. I am really going to miss our weekly talks.
-Laser Tag!!!
-Things working out for Leila with college issues because I was really worried about it.
-Renting a whole bunch of Redbox movies
-Leila & I realizing our drive and determination for certain things to work and for us to become more successful
-The day Leila & I went to GSU for her chem test and then we went shopping after. Crazy & long day!
-Aryon, Mansoor, & Brandon coming over for a cookout like old times. We could not stop laughing & I missed those moments! Brandon's text convo and the suggestions Leila & I said for him to text.
-Got my first apartment at school & was able to bring Tango with me!
-The animal shelter :D
-Going to Zumba for the first time...and I'm SO glad I did! It's been such a stress relief, good work out, and something fun for me to do. Met a few new people including Sophia! :) Plus I got more in shape! :)
-Leila staying with me during Homecoming weekend. It made some situations so much better!
-Hanging out at Sophia's apartment for girls night and American Horror Story (one of my new favorite shows now). It was so great to have some people to laugh & talk with!
-IHOP with neighborhood peeps until like 12 AM
-Priscilla stopping by while I was home one weekend and catching up!
-Getting my cartilage pierced my bday weekend, then going to Dahlonega for a day trip with my sister even though getting lost was sketchy! haha! The corn maze and haunted corn maze in the dark!
-Pretty much the WHOLE month of October. I wish I could relive some of it! I had some really good memories and happy moments throughout that whole month! <3
-LUDACRIS Concert! I had so much fun dancing and singing all the songs with Sophia & Caitlin! 
-My student teaching experience for fall semester. I truly loved those kids and the staff. I wish I could stay there for internship to be honest!!
-Getting closer to some people in my life.
-Getting some good advice from people about school and life.
-Leila staying with me in November and going to Zumba & the animal shelter with me, and to Douglasville to go shopping. We also stayed up til about 5am trying to do homework and were falling asleep! Watching the people towing the cars in the apartment parking lot and yelling at them when they almost hit my car because they were terrible towing people!
-All the talks on the car rides back home after picking my sister up from GSU. We got to update each other and never stopped talking that whole weekend together.
-Getting a 4.0 again for fall semester!
-Neighborhood bonfire
-More venting & catchup conversations with Priscilla at the mall.
-My sister being able to get off the morning shift for Christmas day
-The "good deeds"/productive day when we donated lots of clothes to Good Will, gave food to a homeless man, took Nyxie to a do-it-yourself bath, and got so much done that day.

Well I think that's about it for now. If I think of anything else, I'll just come back & edit this!
I did have a lot of great things happen and good memories even with the struggles. I'm glad I was able to enjoy those moments! Hopefully this year (2012) will be more positive and uplifting.
I know whatever I do this year and in life, I will always be there for myself and be able to depend on myself.
I know who I am. I trust who I am. And I know that wherever I go, I will do great things!