When do I not have a lot of thoughts on my mind? Lately though, it's been almost unbearable. My mind is at a million miles per hour and I'm struggling with keeping up. My heart and head are conflicting, I am not sure what to feel, what to think, what to look for in life, and feeling emptiness and uncertainty again. I just need to get it out...
So, to start this off, this is going to be a long blog post and if you read it, then kudos to you. I do this blog for myself, but I share it so maybe others around me can understand me or maybe even relate.
I go through these moments in life where I question my worth, my point in living, my own "purpose". And trust me when I say I have a high intrapersonal intelligence, meaning I am very conscious of my thoughts and my personality. Some people are very interpersonal and are great with others, I'm great with myself. So, when I say things like I question my worth and point of living, it's not because I want pity. It's not because I want to be dead. It's because I have this longing to do so much, be so much, and go so far. I can't just go by in life. I can't experience this empty, unfulfilled feeling my whole life. I'm trying to seek what will make that emptiness go away. What will make me feel fulfilled at the end of my life, whenever that is?
So driving home today, I had the thought, "I'm dedicating my life to one thing and one thing only...doing good." And this is most definitely not because I want to go to some perfect place when I die. I could care less what happens after I die, because that's unknown. What I do know is that I'm here on this Earth, living this life now and I want to chase down whatever makes me happiest. To some people that's love or falling in love, but not me. I've basically given up on that and try so hard not to care about that at all anymore. Then I think though, "Wow, I have so much love to give. I have so much care and so much about me is selfless. All of that love, and all of that care will just go to waste at the end of it all." Which to me is a shame and it actually bothers me.
Believe it or not, but I swear this is how I feel. I have a deep desire to make others happy (some more than others). I always want to give. I always want to make someone's day. I always want to be there fore someone who might feel at their lowest point even if I'm not that close to them. I always want to surprise people. I always want to do kind gestures or offer whatever help I can.
I guess it's some nurturing part that's always invested in me. I promise I've tried SO hard to get rid of it. I sometimes hate it because so many people don't appreciate it, realize it, hardly show any concern back, wouldn't EVER be there for me, wouldn't even think about how they could show care for me. People say "Oh, you're too nice" like it's a bad thing, well okay maybe it is somewhat. However, I'd rather be too nice of a person than too mean of a person, even if it means people take it for granted. It's what makes me happy. If I were to be on my death bed, I could look back and be proud that I made someone's day or I helped them get through something or I was there for them when no one else was and to me that's what I want in my life.
It'd be awfully nice if there were more people like me in this world or at least in my life, but sadly I've been lied to, forgotten, ignored, avoided, pushed away, used, unappreciated, & taken granted by MANY people. And no I don't just mean regular people, by some of my "good" friends and with relationships. Perhaps if you're reading this you might have actually been one of those people and you don't even realize it because it's your selfish thinking that gets in the way.
Yet, I STILL want to give and do good for people and the world. You would think after all of this I would be callous and bitter. I go through moments where I'm like "Forget this, I don't want to care about anyone anymore." Then I completely contradict myself and go right back. I just CAN'T do it. I can't get out of this. It's who I am and it's who I like to be.
So my life for now on is dedicated to doing good while I'm on this Earth because I believe that will help me fill that emptiness I've felt from other situations and get to that place where I feel fulfilled.