I'm So Proud of You.

"I know things get hard, but girl you got  it, girl you got it, there you go."

So in case you didn't know, I got the title to this entry and above quote from Drake's song "Make Me Proud" from his "Take Care" album. It's catchy and I feel like some random lines can apply to me personally. I just want to sum up my feelings about 2011 since it's almost over. It's literally been a difficult year. Most people wouldn't have even known anything was wrong with me because I was able to phase it off for the most part. I tried to laugh and smile and keep with the normal routine of life because "life goes on" as they say.
I'm proud of myself especially after this year. I don't know if anyone else can notice what I've noticed because they are not inside my head, but I've gotten through this year to my surprise.
I'm not even kidding when I say that I look back at this year and think about how I even made it through some of the stuff. I know I've mentioned this in a few blogs before, but I'm still in shock. I sometimes think about it in depth and I just don't even know how I managed to cope with pain and still continue on.
I didn't do it all on my own, but I did find so much strength in myself this year. So many times I've had to give myself "motivational speeches" in my head and push myself through the day. So many times I cried and then picked myself back up from those low points. So many times I went running on campus just so the emotional pain would go away as I got my mind off the situation. So many times I just wanted to break down and give up.
I do want to thank the people who were there for me this year when I needed someone to talk to, some advice, laughter, good times, support, or a shoulder to cry on. Your kind words and care have meant so much to me and it makes me tear up writing this because I'm not sure how I would have been okay in certain situations if I wasn't around those certain people or able to contact certain people right at a particular moment.
Thank you Ashley & Aryon (if you read this!) for being by my side especially at Starbucks that day. I really don't know how I could have handled that situation and pain without you both being so caring. It was so great to have the fun and happiness of hanging out with both of you as a distraction, so that I wouldn't be alone dealing with all the pain. Thank you to my sister, Leila, for answering the phone when I called you crying and hurting so badly. I'm so grateful that I had you to help me get through some of the drama. I know you were really worried about me and it means a lot that you cared that much. Thanks to my mom for being there when I called you (crying as well) and needing someone to talk to. I'm so thankful you were there to listen and make sure I was okay.
And an extremely HUGE thank you to someone who probably will never read this, but who has made the biggest impact on me while at UWG. Although she wasn't around when all the actual drama was occuring, she played a big part of me realizing so much about myself and helping me gain more strength.

I've really learned so much about myself throughout the year as well. I've grown in certain ways. I've learned that I can ALWAYS depend on myself and a lot of people don't even deserve my time or attention. I've learned I'm really much more different than most people than I even thought I was. I'm not like everyone else and I like that about myself. It can be difficult at certain times in life, but I know in the end it'll be worth it to stay true to myself. This stress and bad occurance has made me more able to handle stressful situations. I used to get so worried about small things in life. I wouldn't know what to do in situations that didn't go as planned or my way. Now, I am so much better at handling those stressful situations. I work through them and realize it's not worth the stress because I already made it through some difficult stuff. This has also surprised me about myself. Instead of dwelling on issues, I try to solve them or think about the positive.

I know I still have a lot to figure out and growing to do, but I'm still proud of myself for making it through some of the hardest timesI've faced.
I know things will continue to be a struggle, but I'm more confident now that I can get through.

I might go through a lot of stress, but I'm going to come out of it shining...Pressure Makes Diamonds.

you're not worth it.

I wonder when or even IF I'll ever be on someone's priority list (not talking about my family because I know I make their list). I feel like I give and give and give and give and no one really cares to do much for me. I hardly ever ask for much. I'm pretty low maintence for a girl if you compare me to others. It's getting really frustrating. People shouldn't take advantage of nice people like me who give their all in friendships and relationships.
Maybe I'm picky, but I'm sorry a lot of people will never be good enough for me as close friends or as a significant other. It's not that I think I'm this super attractive and perfect person with all the best qualities. Not true...I'm sure I'm disliked or hated by people even though that doesn't really matter to me anyway. I know I'm not conceited, but what makes me feel that people don't deserve me is the fact at how far I'm willing to go to take care of the ones I care about or love when I know that hardly anyone will give that same treatment back to me. Trust me, I've seen it plenty of times. I'm tired of caring so much about people who hardly could care about what happens to me.

That's fine. Lose a good friend. Lose a good girlfriend.
I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I know what I would do for someone I care and love. I know what kind of personality I have. I know I would never betray someone or be unfaithful. I know my drive and determination will lead me in the right direction. I know that I am rare and genuine just like a read diamond.
If you are not willing to notice that and care enough to be good to me then...

...You're not worth it and you definitely don't deserve me.

So with that said...please don't come to me in the future when I'm successful and doing really well ON MY OWN in life and act like you care.

Learn from Mistakes!

What is vicarious learning?

Observational learning (also known as vicarious learning, social learning, or modeling) is a type of learning that occurs as a function of observing, retaining and replicating novel behavior executed by others.
--Wikipedia

I've probably mentioned the fact that people should learn from other people's mistakes before, but I want to elaborate on this idea. It seems as though a LOT and I mean a majority of people do NOT learn vicariously. I know that I learn this way, especially when it comes to making decisions in life.

I see it like this...There are 3 types of people when it comes to vicariously learning & mistakes. (In my opinion and from observing people)

1.) People like me see mistakes made by other people and make a decision to not make those same mistakes so they don't end up in the same bad situations. We learn to avoid those mistakes since we already know the outcome. We avoid those bad consequences all together by PREVENTING them from ever occuring. Therefore, we don't have to deal with all the drama and heartache that goes along with those consequences. Now doesn't that sound nice?
2.) Then there are those people (most people) that have plenty of examples of bad situations that occured from mistakes made in life, but they still choose to make those EXACT SAME MISTAKES that the others before them have. These people even know what the outcome could possibly be, yet they just can't put two and two together to learn vicariously. So finally, after this type of person makes a terrible mistake, they finally learn a lesson.
3.) Finally there are those people who just will NEVER get it. They've seen others make mistakes that can be detrimental. They've made the mistakes on their own and faced the consequences, BUT they decide to continue to make those same mistakes over and over and over again for whatever reason. It's this type of person that I really don't pity much. If you know what you are doing is wrong and will lead to bad things, then why would you set yourself up for failure again?! I just don't get it. I don't get person #2, but I really don't get person #3.

People confuse me. The end.

You're a Mean One...Mr. Grinch

I really have this big annoyance with people who are CONSTANTLY negative. I don't think those people realize how their negative energy is contagious. Therefore, I definitely try to surround myself with positive and uplifting people. Now, it's totally okay to complain or be upset about something. Everyone gets in those moods including myself. I get so angry at the world and just want to scream at pretty much everyone sometimes, but I try to still stay very positive. Even when things were going so badly for me I was laughing, smiling, and NOT trying to bring others down.
People always say "fml" and to be honest it disgusts me (unless you're honestly joking). Really?! Is your life that terrible that you have to say "fml" for every bad situation in your life. Things aren't always going to go your way because we don't have control over all the variables in life, but do you really need to hate your life because of that? Stop complaining and trying to bring everyone else down with you and do something about it!
I think it's really important to be positive and have a good attitude towards most situations because like I said, I think it's contagious. This is one of my reasons I try to treat everyone so nicely even if they don't reciprocate the same treatment toward me. I think that maybe eventually it'll rub off onto them and maybe they'll start being the same way because of the contagious energy. It's like the story/movie, The Grinch. He is so negative and hateful, but when he see that one person cares about him, he starts to change.

I also feel like good friends are ones that help keep you in check. People who have read my blog before or who have even had a convo with me have probably heard me talk about my sister a lot, but I can relate this situation to her as well. One great thing about us as sisters and as best friends is that we keep each other in check. We both have expectations for each other. We expect the other one to succeed, work hard, try her best, stay strong against peer pressure, and be herself. We have a selfless relationship because we truly care about each other's feelings, happiness, and success.  Then there are "friends" or acquantinces that have somewhat of a selfish relationship with you. They just see what they can get out of you. If they are down, they want to bring you down with them because "misery loves company"! They pressure you to do things that you generally might not what to do on your own, but they want you to be on their level. Maybe it's a way to boost their self esteem if they see you can lower your standards to meet them at their low points. Not good friends though, they will be the ones holding you accountable and pushing you to succeed and do the most you can to reach success. Those type of friends are very rare, so if you find them be sure to cherish them.

Time.

I just wrote yesterday, but I feel the need to post again because a lot of thoughts are on my mind again. Plus, the song I'm going to post just came on shuffle on my Ipod. It's an amazing, true, and emotional song if you listen to the lyrics.

Time is precious because you only have so much of it and you can't take it back unfortunately. So, use it wisely.

Time: Ne-Yo

How come you don't make time for me anymore?
That's the last thing she said to you
And now when you call she don't answer anymore
Or the line is busy and you can't get through

In the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes
In the time it would take to dial the phone
In the time it will take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone,

she's moved on

To someone who takes the time
Her love wasn't a priority to you
You had other things on your mind

And now that it's much to little and so far too late
The busy signals all that's left behind
You're all alone
In the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes
In the time it would take to dial the phone
In the time it will take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone, she's moved on
To someone who takes the time

Hey, no one knows what they have until they don't
And by then it doesn't matter anymore.

You're all alone.

In the time it would take you to learn from your mistakes
In the time it would take to dial the phone
And the time it would take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone (she'll be gone)
In the time it will take you to realize her greatness, she'll be gone, she's moved on
Hang up the phone...



Realization.

I learned some more stuff about myself yesterday and maybe it was stuff that I somewhat knew, but yesterday really reassured some things for me. Lately I have felt like not many people care, not many people make the effort, in fact a lot of people won't even make HALF the effort I do. People forget things, forget about me, blow me off, or lie to me. It sucks because so many people want to find people who are "real", good friends, trustworthy, etc. but when it comes to themself they don't even have thosse traits. So why in the world do they want someone like that when they aren't even that type of person? People always say "you can trust me", but NO I can't. LOTS of people and I mean a vast majority of people are just big talkers. They say their trustworthy and a good friend or boyfriend/girlfriend, but in actuality they aren't. I KNOW for a fact that I can trust myself and anyone can trust me. I know for sure that my word is good and it sucks because almost everyone I have met in my life except for my sister has gone back on their words or broken their promises or lied to me in a bad way. What is it with me being so different than everyone else? Why do I care so much to treat people right and stay true to them? I have no idea. It makes me mad though because I feel like I will NEVER EVER EVER get that same treatment in return. People constantly fail me and trust me I'll remember it.
I hate that I know I'll put all my effort into a friendship or relationship or anything I care about in my life, but I can't get that same respect in return. Even if the person says they will or makes promises, I can guarantee they don't have as much value as my word does.
I've even had someone tell me "Oh, well I lied" when I confronted this person about things they promised in the past. You can't just say "I lied" as an excuse. Who the hell do you think you are?
I've also heard from a few people "Oh, I won't hurt you". BLAH BLAH BLAH. You lied again.
And then others want me to make promises and hold true to my word so badly and I do, but then they go and act like I never existed. Thanks for giving me the same respect. I really appreciate the double standards.

I very rarerly if ever go back on my word. If I say I'm going to do something, I do it especially if it's for another person. I feel like no one realizes that. Why should I give a damn about other people when they don't give a damn about me? I'm always thinking of others. I'm always missing time I had once spent with people. I'm always wishing I could see certain people. I'm always thinking of how I can make other people happy because I just love the feeling of knowing I made someone smile or brighten their day.

I don't do this type of stuff in order to get things in return. I have never been like that, but it would be nice to know that some people care some for me like I do for them. And it's like if these people were to do the stuff I do for them or were to tell me how they thought of me or something, I would be so thankful and appreciative.

My personality is so different compared to all these people. I have a lot going on in my life too. I deal with it. I have a lot of things to do and dates to remember and stresses in my life. Yet, I can still remember others. Not many people seem to do that. Their minds are all over the place. After talking with someone yesterday who is on the very same page as me, I've realized that I'm just a rare kind and it's hard to understand why.

I'm just going to say that people can only take so much, myself included. If one day I'm cold and don't care anymore, then that is because I've been pushed so far. I'm tired of being let down. Honestly, it'll be your loss.

At the end of the day, I know I did what was right.