Wednesday, March 23, 2016
When I feel lost or down, I tend to try to refocus my energy on something positive. I usually resort to to-do lists or goals or things to look forward to. I'm super type-A so I write multiple lists on a daily basis. Today I decided to use my handy-dandy planner to put down some Spring Break Goals/To-Do's since it's officially only 6 days away! I turned to the March notes section and at the top was the quote by Heraclitus, "Everything changes and nothing stands still." It's not really an in depth quote that requires a lot of interpretation, but it hit me really hard this morning. So, on my work laptop I made a little digital post it note with those exact words. I even looked at it quite a few times today as a reminder.
The reason this quote struck a chord with me is because change is a very challenging concept for me unless I am completely up for the change and in control of the change (typically). I mean, I can go down to tiny details like routines, where things are placed, stores I shop at, to the bigger things like memories, details about people/pets that are no longer in my life, feelings,etc. I just have a hard time with letting go because I get so easily attached and comfortable with those sorts of things. I've also seen the quote, "The only thing constant in life is change". I know change is inevitable and I will never be able to control all aspects of my life, but that doesn't make it any easier for me. Now, I will say I have improved over the past few years as I feel like a lot has happened in the last 10 years of my life. I'll be honest, my teens and 20s have been a roller coaster to say the least. I appear to have it all together and in some aspects I seem pretty stable and like I have everything under control, but I don't usually feel that way. I am totally grateful for what I have in my life and the aspects I have been able to control. However, I feel like I can't keep life balanced. I seek stability and it's been a rough road trying to find that. It's as if as soon as my work part of life is in shambles, my personal life flourishes and then when I get a grip on the work part, my personal life crumbles. I have yet to find that stability and unfortunately it's thrown me off track multiple times. I keep having to pick up the pieces and figure everything out again.
Leila (my sister) has been going to meditation and at the end of class, the monk discusses life with them. She told me that they talked about letting go and how holding on to things ruins relationships and our overall happiness. We take the stresses of work out on our relationships with people and carry it around like a burden. We let negative thoughts consume us, stopping us from being productive, happy beings. I mean I wonder how much time I've lost just thinking or crying or holding on to things that I should let go of and it's like "WOW, I could've had all this positive stuff going on, but I chose to hold on to the pain and negativity."
So I guess the whole point of this is to say that even though I'm very aware of this, I just need to focus on the aspects I can control...my mind, my reactions, and my choices. Life's fluctuations will come and go in all areas of life, but I need to make the choice to let go, move on, or make choices based on the situation instead of dwelling. It's not easy. Making the choice to turn away from pain, frustration, confusion, anger, and resentment is not easy. Some days I really just want to sleep to avoid it all because that's the easiest and quickest way in the moment. However, that's short term because as soon as I wake up all those horrible feelings hit me again. I need to look at the long term solution and it appears as those sleeping is not going to cut it.
So here's to working (EVEN MORE) on accepting change, making choices about what I can control, letting go, and moving on.