Growing up is hard...

Who knew that growing up would be so challenging?! I knew there were difficult parts of growing up, specifically money and time management, but I didn't know the issues I'm facing now would be a part of growing up. I always thought I was certain about so much in my life. I want to do this and live here and be with this person and have this many kids and live in this type of house. Now I'm literally just like "I don't know" or "I'm not sure right now" about a lot in my life. I've been having a particularly rough week and honestly I have been an emotional wreck. This is usual for me recently. I can usually handle stress and issues pretty well. I am not letting these issues ruin my happiness, but it is just bugging at me. I was at the point where I just kept taking naps in order to avoid thoughts about the future, which reminds me of a different scary point in my life around this time last year. All my issues go away temporarily as I sleep and as soon as I wake up they literally flood my brain. It's exhausting being me and having the thoughts I have.

I talked to my dad about these issues and tried SO hard to not cry and be a "big girl", but I just broke down because I don't want to waste time and I want to make the right decisions while being happy now and in the future. I just don't know what will bring me that yet. I know I work my hardest in all that I am passionate about, but I just want to find that point in my life where I'm so content with pretty much everything. I'm not saying that life will ever be perfect and always go my way, but I'm saying I want to be at that comfortable, truly happy point in my life. So of course my dad was all worried about me because of how much stress this was causing me. We talked more about this and he said he's "200%" behind me and knows that I can do so much and that he doesn't think I realize how smart/good I am at school. It's amazing having parental support, but I was trying to make him realize that my main goal in life is to be able to be completely dependent upon myself and not like 25 years from now. I want this to happen before I'm like 30...is that so wrong?! I know my parents will always help me out and don't mind and my dad said "what's the point of being a parent then?"...which is true, but I still don't want to be this mid-20s girl that still lives at home & has dad paying for big things in my life. I do pay for so much & do as much as I can given the situation, but I just want to not have to depend on them. I want them to have less expenses and live more comfortably. 

I argued that it's because I care so much about my future and he said "maybe too much" because I can't plan everything for the future. I know this is reality, but I like to have a plan and know what's going on. Uncertainty scares me. Choosing the path I want to take in life and looking at all the pros/cons, obstacles, and outcomes is just so overwhelming. For some it may be easy to just graduate college and move on, but for me it's definitely not that easy. I analyze everything and look to how things will affect me in the long run.

I don't want to live an average paycheck to paycheck lifestyle. I want to do so much more in life that just the average/regular. I just want to find my correct path in life that will make me feel complete.

you're not worth it.

I wonder when or even IF I'll ever be on someone's priority list (not talking about my family because I know I make their list). I feel like I give and give and give and give and no one really cares to do much for me. I hardly ever ask for much. I'm pretty low maintence for a girl if you compare me to others. It's getting really frustrating. People shouldn't take advantage of nice people like me who give their all in friendships and relationships.
Maybe I'm picky, but I'm sorry a lot of people will never be good enough for me as close friends or as a significant other. It's not that I think I'm this super attractive and perfect person with all the best qualities. Not true...I'm sure I'm disliked or hated by people even though that doesn't really matter to me anyway. I know I'm not conceited, but what makes me feel that people don't deserve me is the fact at how far I'm willing to go to take care of the ones I care about or love when I know that hardly anyone will give that same treatment back to me. Trust me, I've seen it plenty of times. I'm tired of caring so much about people who hardly could care about what happens to me.

That's fine. Lose a good friend. Lose a good girlfriend.
I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I know what I would do for someone I care and love. I know what kind of personality I have. I know I would never betray someone or be unfaithful. I know my drive and determination will lead me in the right direction. I know that I am rare and genuine just like a read diamond.
If you are not willing to notice that and care enough to be good to me then...

...You're not worth it and you definitely don't deserve me.

So with that said...please don't come to me in the future when I'm successful and doing really well ON MY OWN in life and act like you care.

100% on the right path.

On my 22nd birthday (last Sunday), I was outside with my dad as he did yard work. We had an interesting life conversation and I seriously love having those times with him. I enjoy just being able to talk to him alone about life and hearing his advice. Even though I disagree with him about a few things and sometimes don't understand him, I still have learned so much from him. We talked about the future, relationships, getting married, being in college, careers, decisions, money, having kids, and about being successful. It makes me extremely happy when he tells me that I'm "100% on the right path" and that he knows I'm going to be succesful in whatever I do.
Sometimes people just say that to make people feel like they can get somewhere in life, but not everyone has the determination to be successful in ANYTHING they do. My dad sees my drive, determination, & positive attitude. He knows that whatever I do and whatever I'm passionate about, I put all my effort into it. I don't give up easily if at all. Another thing is, I feel like he is right about it. I just know that my strength and drive will get me there. Not everyone is as motivated as me, so that's how I know it's so very possible.
I'm a realistic person. I set reasonable, yet challenging goals and I work so hard to do all that I can to meet or exceed those goals. I really will not settle for less when I know I can do so much better and set my expectations for myself so high. I know that my hard work that has made me who I am and where I am will definitely pay off. I honestly just have that gut feeling. I don't see failure as an option for me even if things do ever go sour. I'm on the right path & I just know it.
"If the grapes don't sell, I dry 'em up & sell raisins"--P$C (I'm a King)

I am so thankful for who I am and for the values that I've been taught. It's all going to take me so far. :)

"Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there"-John Wooden

"I'm the diamond in the dirt that ain't been found"-50 Cent (Many Men)