heartache.

For once I'm not talking about heartache that deals with love and relationships. However, it's almost as complicated to be honest. I probably shouldn't even be writing right now, but I need to vent perhaps for some sanity, so here I go.

So I mentioned the fact that I applied to grad school for a College Student Affairs degree in a previous blog and I was pretty stoked for the opportunity. But lately, my mind has been spinning and flipping to figure out just what I truly want. I wish I had an answer. I wish anyone had an answer for me, but it doesn't work that way. I know I have to learn for myself and figure it out. These feelings are what are causing me to feel stuck and that's what leads me to the title of my entry...heartache.

Have you ever had to make a decision in your life in which either one would lead to heartache?!
Well that's exactly the type of situation I'm in right now.
I genuinely LOVE West Georgia. I have gained so much from my experience here and it really hasn't had anything to do with my education/schooling here. It's been more about my experiences, people I've connected with, and opportunities I've had. However, that's a whole other entry I need to write closer to graduation probably (which by the way is EXACTLY a month from today...SCARY!!).
What I am getting at is that I love UWG as a college, my on campus job, the animal shelter, new friends I've made, even my regular gym classes and routines. I love and enjoy being able to be on my own and do things when I want to. It makes me feel my age and like I'm an adult. Sometimes at home I feel the opposite of that.

Then on the other hand, I LOVE being back home in Gwinnett. I love the comfort I feel when I'm there, which is a HUGE factor in my life. I feel like I am where I belong when I'm in Gwinnett; I don't feel that in Carrollton. I love being around what I grew up around. As stupid as this may sound to some people...I love being there with my cat AND dog. If you really know me, you know my pets mean the world to me and are my children basically. Being away from any of my pets is highly difficult for me especially when I know my sister isn't there to take care of Nyxie anymore. So whatever, judge me for that reason, but it's honest. Gwinnett was also my plan and even though I realize things don't always go as planned...I feel like it's what makes me happy. I feel like my money situations will be more manageable back home which would help me succeed more.

So Gwinnett has what's comfortable to me while Carrollton has the enjoyable aspects that I've grown to love over the past few years. I don't know if one decision is better than the other for ME, personally. I see pros & cons in both. If I go to Gwinnett, I won't have my Carroll Animal Shelter anymore, my usual hanging out with college friends, the fun gym classes, the people at my job and the people on campus that I've become familiar with, and for some period of time I won't really have the freedom that I enjoy at UWG. However, Carrollton doesn't have my family, all around comfort level, both my pets, or as much financial stability.

I am trying to see it as though I'm choosing between two great places that I love, but then I'm just back at the same issue. Either way, I will feel sad to pick one over the other. It's such a heartache to even think about choosing. Each day that passes is closer to graduation and big decisions that I have to make. It's honestly causing me a LOT of anxiety because it's one of the most difficult decisions I feel like I've had to make yet.

I need and long for certainty & stability.

Growing up is hard...

Who knew that growing up would be so challenging?! I knew there were difficult parts of growing up, specifically money and time management, but I didn't know the issues I'm facing now would be a part of growing up. I always thought I was certain about so much in my life. I want to do this and live here and be with this person and have this many kids and live in this type of house. Now I'm literally just like "I don't know" or "I'm not sure right now" about a lot in my life. I've been having a particularly rough week and honestly I have been an emotional wreck. This is usual for me recently. I can usually handle stress and issues pretty well. I am not letting these issues ruin my happiness, but it is just bugging at me. I was at the point where I just kept taking naps in order to avoid thoughts about the future, which reminds me of a different scary point in my life around this time last year. All my issues go away temporarily as I sleep and as soon as I wake up they literally flood my brain. It's exhausting being me and having the thoughts I have.

I talked to my dad about these issues and tried SO hard to not cry and be a "big girl", but I just broke down because I don't want to waste time and I want to make the right decisions while being happy now and in the future. I just don't know what will bring me that yet. I know I work my hardest in all that I am passionate about, but I just want to find that point in my life where I'm so content with pretty much everything. I'm not saying that life will ever be perfect and always go my way, but I'm saying I want to be at that comfortable, truly happy point in my life. So of course my dad was all worried about me because of how much stress this was causing me. We talked more about this and he said he's "200%" behind me and knows that I can do so much and that he doesn't think I realize how smart/good I am at school. It's amazing having parental support, but I was trying to make him realize that my main goal in life is to be able to be completely dependent upon myself and not like 25 years from now. I want this to happen before I'm like 30...is that so wrong?! I know my parents will always help me out and don't mind and my dad said "what's the point of being a parent then?"...which is true, but I still don't want to be this mid-20s girl that still lives at home & has dad paying for big things in my life. I do pay for so much & do as much as I can given the situation, but I just want to not have to depend on them. I want them to have less expenses and live more comfortably. 

I argued that it's because I care so much about my future and he said "maybe too much" because I can't plan everything for the future. I know this is reality, but I like to have a plan and know what's going on. Uncertainty scares me. Choosing the path I want to take in life and looking at all the pros/cons, obstacles, and outcomes is just so overwhelming. For some it may be easy to just graduate college and move on, but for me it's definitely not that easy. I analyze everything and look to how things will affect me in the long run.

I don't want to live an average paycheck to paycheck lifestyle. I want to do so much more in life that just the average/regular. I just want to find my correct path in life that will make me feel complete.

decisions, decisions.

I just read some of my past blog posts and saw the post that I discussed how I don't know where I'll be after I graduate, what I'm going to do, and how I am going to deal with leaving UWG. I literally started this week not feeling like myself, feeling down, feeling alone, feeling so confused with what to do & making decisions. I try to compose myself and not breakdown emotionally as much as I used to, but I seriously broke down in tears earlier in the week because of how I felt. Then things flipped on me.
Within one conversation on one day this week with people from my on campus job, I had a spontaneous decision to apply to grad school at UWG for a degree in Professional Counseling with a focus on College Student Affairs. It sounded like a great opportunity, I had some great people really routing for me and supporting me, and it could open so many more doors for me. It's overwhelming in SO many ways because I hardly ever make spontaneous decisions and I mean EVER. I like to think things through for quite a while, but this just sounded like a good fit for me. Plus, I just applied. I still have to get accepted and actually confirm that I want to do this for sure. However, it's still exciting and it got me to thinking about how it's so weird to look at how we get to a certain point in our lives.
It's like a ripple affect. One thing can affect another even if it's the smallest aspect. One decision can lead to so many other outcomes. My big example that came to mind is the fact that I'm at UWG. To be honest, I really didn't know much about UWG. The reason I came is somewhat embarassing, even though I would have never said this a few years ago. So maybe I didn't necessarily come for the right reasons, but I can truthfully say coming here was one of my greatest decisions along with a few other ones I have made. I feel that I've accomplished so much while here and grown so much. So if I do continue to be here for 2 more years, then I can enjoy that decision I made back in 2008 even more. It sure would be nice to not have to say good-bye for good in April, so I think this is a good idea.
Also, just want to say thank you again to the people who were so supportive, kind, helpful, and encouraging. I am honestly so grateful to know you all & be around you. It makes me feel so great that people believe in me and want me to do so well and can see all my potential.  I promise I won't disappoint. It's not an option for me. :)