heartache.

For once I'm not talking about heartache that deals with love and relationships. However, it's almost as complicated to be honest. I probably shouldn't even be writing right now, but I need to vent perhaps for some sanity, so here I go.

So I mentioned the fact that I applied to grad school for a College Student Affairs degree in a previous blog and I was pretty stoked for the opportunity. But lately, my mind has been spinning and flipping to figure out just what I truly want. I wish I had an answer. I wish anyone had an answer for me, but it doesn't work that way. I know I have to learn for myself and figure it out. These feelings are what are causing me to feel stuck and that's what leads me to the title of my entry...heartache.

Have you ever had to make a decision in your life in which either one would lead to heartache?!
Well that's exactly the type of situation I'm in right now.
I genuinely LOVE West Georgia. I have gained so much from my experience here and it really hasn't had anything to do with my education/schooling here. It's been more about my experiences, people I've connected with, and opportunities I've had. However, that's a whole other entry I need to write closer to graduation probably (which by the way is EXACTLY a month from today...SCARY!!).
What I am getting at is that I love UWG as a college, my on campus job, the animal shelter, new friends I've made, even my regular gym classes and routines. I love and enjoy being able to be on my own and do things when I want to. It makes me feel my age and like I'm an adult. Sometimes at home I feel the opposite of that.

Then on the other hand, I LOVE being back home in Gwinnett. I love the comfort I feel when I'm there, which is a HUGE factor in my life. I feel like I am where I belong when I'm in Gwinnett; I don't feel that in Carrollton. I love being around what I grew up around. As stupid as this may sound to some people...I love being there with my cat AND dog. If you really know me, you know my pets mean the world to me and are my children basically. Being away from any of my pets is highly difficult for me especially when I know my sister isn't there to take care of Nyxie anymore. So whatever, judge me for that reason, but it's honest. Gwinnett was also my plan and even though I realize things don't always go as planned...I feel like it's what makes me happy. I feel like my money situations will be more manageable back home which would help me succeed more.

So Gwinnett has what's comfortable to me while Carrollton has the enjoyable aspects that I've grown to love over the past few years. I don't know if one decision is better than the other for ME, personally. I see pros & cons in both. If I go to Gwinnett, I won't have my Carroll Animal Shelter anymore, my usual hanging out with college friends, the fun gym classes, the people at my job and the people on campus that I've become familiar with, and for some period of time I won't really have the freedom that I enjoy at UWG. However, Carrollton doesn't have my family, all around comfort level, both my pets, or as much financial stability.

I am trying to see it as though I'm choosing between two great places that I love, but then I'm just back at the same issue. Either way, I will feel sad to pick one over the other. It's such a heartache to even think about choosing. Each day that passes is closer to graduation and big decisions that I have to make. It's honestly causing me a LOT of anxiety because it's one of the most difficult decisions I feel like I've had to make yet.

I need and long for certainty & stability.