heartache.

For once I'm not talking about heartache that deals with love and relationships. However, it's almost as complicated to be honest. I probably shouldn't even be writing right now, but I need to vent perhaps for some sanity, so here I go.

So I mentioned the fact that I applied to grad school for a College Student Affairs degree in a previous blog and I was pretty stoked for the opportunity. But lately, my mind has been spinning and flipping to figure out just what I truly want. I wish I had an answer. I wish anyone had an answer for me, but it doesn't work that way. I know I have to learn for myself and figure it out. These feelings are what are causing me to feel stuck and that's what leads me to the title of my entry...heartache.

Have you ever had to make a decision in your life in which either one would lead to heartache?!
Well that's exactly the type of situation I'm in right now.
I genuinely LOVE West Georgia. I have gained so much from my experience here and it really hasn't had anything to do with my education/schooling here. It's been more about my experiences, people I've connected with, and opportunities I've had. However, that's a whole other entry I need to write closer to graduation probably (which by the way is EXACTLY a month from today...SCARY!!).
What I am getting at is that I love UWG as a college, my on campus job, the animal shelter, new friends I've made, even my regular gym classes and routines. I love and enjoy being able to be on my own and do things when I want to. It makes me feel my age and like I'm an adult. Sometimes at home I feel the opposite of that.

Then on the other hand, I LOVE being back home in Gwinnett. I love the comfort I feel when I'm there, which is a HUGE factor in my life. I feel like I am where I belong when I'm in Gwinnett; I don't feel that in Carrollton. I love being around what I grew up around. As stupid as this may sound to some people...I love being there with my cat AND dog. If you really know me, you know my pets mean the world to me and are my children basically. Being away from any of my pets is highly difficult for me especially when I know my sister isn't there to take care of Nyxie anymore. So whatever, judge me for that reason, but it's honest. Gwinnett was also my plan and even though I realize things don't always go as planned...I feel like it's what makes me happy. I feel like my money situations will be more manageable back home which would help me succeed more.

So Gwinnett has what's comfortable to me while Carrollton has the enjoyable aspects that I've grown to love over the past few years. I don't know if one decision is better than the other for ME, personally. I see pros & cons in both. If I go to Gwinnett, I won't have my Carroll Animal Shelter anymore, my usual hanging out with college friends, the fun gym classes, the people at my job and the people on campus that I've become familiar with, and for some period of time I won't really have the freedom that I enjoy at UWG. However, Carrollton doesn't have my family, all around comfort level, both my pets, or as much financial stability.

I am trying to see it as though I'm choosing between two great places that I love, but then I'm just back at the same issue. Either way, I will feel sad to pick one over the other. It's such a heartache to even think about choosing. Each day that passes is closer to graduation and big decisions that I have to make. It's honestly causing me a LOT of anxiety because it's one of the most difficult decisions I feel like I've had to make yet.

I need and long for certainty & stability.

Growing up is hard...

Who knew that growing up would be so challenging?! I knew there were difficult parts of growing up, specifically money and time management, but I didn't know the issues I'm facing now would be a part of growing up. I always thought I was certain about so much in my life. I want to do this and live here and be with this person and have this many kids and live in this type of house. Now I'm literally just like "I don't know" or "I'm not sure right now" about a lot in my life. I've been having a particularly rough week and honestly I have been an emotional wreck. This is usual for me recently. I can usually handle stress and issues pretty well. I am not letting these issues ruin my happiness, but it is just bugging at me. I was at the point where I just kept taking naps in order to avoid thoughts about the future, which reminds me of a different scary point in my life around this time last year. All my issues go away temporarily as I sleep and as soon as I wake up they literally flood my brain. It's exhausting being me and having the thoughts I have.

I talked to my dad about these issues and tried SO hard to not cry and be a "big girl", but I just broke down because I don't want to waste time and I want to make the right decisions while being happy now and in the future. I just don't know what will bring me that yet. I know I work my hardest in all that I am passionate about, but I just want to find that point in my life where I'm so content with pretty much everything. I'm not saying that life will ever be perfect and always go my way, but I'm saying I want to be at that comfortable, truly happy point in my life. So of course my dad was all worried about me because of how much stress this was causing me. We talked more about this and he said he's "200%" behind me and knows that I can do so much and that he doesn't think I realize how smart/good I am at school. It's amazing having parental support, but I was trying to make him realize that my main goal in life is to be able to be completely dependent upon myself and not like 25 years from now. I want this to happen before I'm like 30...is that so wrong?! I know my parents will always help me out and don't mind and my dad said "what's the point of being a parent then?"...which is true, but I still don't want to be this mid-20s girl that still lives at home & has dad paying for big things in my life. I do pay for so much & do as much as I can given the situation, but I just want to not have to depend on them. I want them to have less expenses and live more comfortably. 

I argued that it's because I care so much about my future and he said "maybe too much" because I can't plan everything for the future. I know this is reality, but I like to have a plan and know what's going on. Uncertainty scares me. Choosing the path I want to take in life and looking at all the pros/cons, obstacles, and outcomes is just so overwhelming. For some it may be easy to just graduate college and move on, but for me it's definitely not that easy. I analyze everything and look to how things will affect me in the long run.

I don't want to live an average paycheck to paycheck lifestyle. I want to do so much more in life that just the average/regular. I just want to find my correct path in life that will make me feel complete.

decisions, decisions.

I just read some of my past blog posts and saw the post that I discussed how I don't know where I'll be after I graduate, what I'm going to do, and how I am going to deal with leaving UWG. I literally started this week not feeling like myself, feeling down, feeling alone, feeling so confused with what to do & making decisions. I try to compose myself and not breakdown emotionally as much as I used to, but I seriously broke down in tears earlier in the week because of how I felt. Then things flipped on me.
Within one conversation on one day this week with people from my on campus job, I had a spontaneous decision to apply to grad school at UWG for a degree in Professional Counseling with a focus on College Student Affairs. It sounded like a great opportunity, I had some great people really routing for me and supporting me, and it could open so many more doors for me. It's overwhelming in SO many ways because I hardly ever make spontaneous decisions and I mean EVER. I like to think things through for quite a while, but this just sounded like a good fit for me. Plus, I just applied. I still have to get accepted and actually confirm that I want to do this for sure. However, it's still exciting and it got me to thinking about how it's so weird to look at how we get to a certain point in our lives.
It's like a ripple affect. One thing can affect another even if it's the smallest aspect. One decision can lead to so many other outcomes. My big example that came to mind is the fact that I'm at UWG. To be honest, I really didn't know much about UWG. The reason I came is somewhat embarassing, even though I would have never said this a few years ago. So maybe I didn't necessarily come for the right reasons, but I can truthfully say coming here was one of my greatest decisions along with a few other ones I have made. I feel that I've accomplished so much while here and grown so much. So if I do continue to be here for 2 more years, then I can enjoy that decision I made back in 2008 even more. It sure would be nice to not have to say good-bye for good in April, so I think this is a good idea.
Also, just want to say thank you again to the people who were so supportive, kind, helpful, and encouraging. I am honestly so grateful to know you all & be around you. It makes me feel so great that people believe in me and want me to do so well and can see all my potential.  I promise I won't disappoint. It's not an option for me. :)

Healing vs. Coping

It's been quite a while since I've wrote a blog because I've been extremely busy & stressed. So this topic has been on my mind lately...healing vs. coping. Sometimes I feel like everything is fine and I wonder if that is because I'm so busy I don't have time to think about how I really feel. Then there's those times that I have a quick panic moment where I just want to break down because I'm SO confused. Then other times I just don't care either way anymore because I can only control so much in my life. I can only put in my efforts and reach my personal goals that I have control over. In the past few months I've had this sense of empowerment especially if you look at my last blogs, but my thoughts recently have made me question how I really feel. Am I really healed or healing? Maybe somewhat. Will I ever be completely healed? No, most likely I will never be completely healed. Think of it like this...after I got in a big car accident in 2009, I asked my dad if I would be able to keep my Honda Accord. He told me that even if it got repaired & was drivable, it wouldn't ever be the same because the engine and all the parts were shaken up. The only real way to resolve that issue was for me to get a new car. I feel the exact same way. Although I can be "repaired" somewhat, I'm always going to have that heartbreak as a part of me sadly. As much as I want to deny that I'm going to be scarred for my whole life, I just know how I am. My heart and mind have both been shaken up just like my Honda was. The difference is I can't replace my heart or mind or be a whole different me. It just doesn't work that way.
So am I really healing? Or am I just learning how to cope really well?
I have a lot of strength as I've mentioned before and I'm typically pretty optimistic/positive. I try so hard to keep pushing forward on my own. I look to myself for encouragement and motivation. That strength is the reason I'm able to cope. I've just learned to deal with it. I've learned to accept it. I've learned to acknowledge that certain aspects of my life most likely won't turn out how I would like, so I've just chosen to focus on aspects that I know I can control. I'd rather face the reality now than 10 years from now have it hit me and then feel worse about it. However, it still hurts which is why I don't think I'll ever heal. I hate that, but I am serious when I say I try so hard to completely look past it all. It's more complicated than you'll know.
So don't think that I'm being some pessimist; I am just trying to be real with myself. I know that things will be "okay" since I've learned to cope and get on with other things in life that make me happy, but a piece of me will always be scarred, torn, heartbroken, shattered, or some other similar word. I know things will be "okay", I'm just coping with the fact that I have to accept that certain things aren't going to turn out how I imagined or how I'd like for them to be in my life.

working with the negatives could make for better pictures.

I've noticed that over the past year I've really become a more proactive and positive person...much more than I was before. There are those days that I complain and feel so frustrated. There are those days I want to just cry because I feel so let down and confused. However, overall I've learned to have a more positive attitude and to be a more proactive person. Today I thought about how maybe it's because I lost a big, important part of my life and so the small negatives in life seem so miniscule compared to that loss. I think about how if I wasn't missing that part of my life and gained it back after knowing what I know now, then things would be SUPER! I would handle things in such a different way. I wouldn't blow up about the stupidest things. I would look for the brighter side in situations and try to find solutions instead of just getting overly emotional. I wouldn't take that "complete" feeling for granted at all...I would cherish it. Well sadly I can't take back time, so I guess it's good that I've decided to look forward.

I seriously used to get upset over small stuff and let it bother me for so long, but I've learned to let go. Some things just really aren't that serious and it doesn't do any good to over stress something to the point that it ruins you. I've learned to manage my stress, anger, and saddness much better than I ever have before. I feel like now, I am better prepared for unfortunate situations. Even things like car issues would make me stress like crazy. Now, I just look at the situation, be thankful it's not worse, and try to think of a solution. It might still bother me and bring me down somedays, but I am so much better at managing the stress now. As crazy as it may sound, I constantly tell myself quotes in my head or give myself "motivational speeches" to push myself forward. I even have about 20 quotes on little post-it notes taped to my apartment wall that I add to anytime I hear/find another positive quote.
Lately I've been telling myself, "You are as acceptable and lovable as a newborn child. This is a birthright awarded by the act of creation."

I even try not to be around negative people and if I am, then I try not to let their negativity influence me. I try to stay productive and proactive instead of reactive. I've learned to have more control.
It surprises me because I was SO SO SO SO negative and hopeless at the beginning of all this drama (and I'm not saying I see a perfect life in the future), that I was afraid I'd never be okay. I guess I've just learned to process and cope with my feelings and situations that aren't so pleasant.

I really don't know where my life will go or what will happen in the future. I don't know what exact job I'll have, where I'll live, who I'll be with, or if I'll even get married or have kids, or if I even want to do all that to be honest. It worries me sometimes because I don't know what's to come, but then I just think that I need to focus on doing the best I can to get to where ever or whatever will give me complete happiness. I do know that I'm content with who I am and where I'm headed because I know that my determination will get me to a good spot especially with an optimistic attitude.

Depend on Yourself.

Lately I've been thinking of how a lot of people in my age range are very dependent upon others. I am not just saying money wise, but with making decisions in their life. I then came across this video of a YouTube blogger that I love and I think what she said was perfect! Here's the video for anyone who wants to watch.



Thinking of all this and watching this video made me really realize what one of my biggest goals in life is and that is to be as dependent upon myself as possible. I remember my dad saying a few years ago "Never depend on a guy." He told me to always make sure I was stable and had my own career, so that if one day he left I wouldn't have to worry about where I stand. Well guess what? That's what I plan on doing. As nice as it sounds to have someone make all the money and me just sit around, it's not something I'm ever comfortable with. In fact, I would rather be the more stable one in a relationship or in my family. Even when I did group projects throughout school I volunteered to do the majority of the work. Why? Because I knew I would get stuff done and make sure it was good quality. How can I be let down by the results if I am the one in control of the results? You see, people let you down. People will ALWAYS let you down. Your classmates, co-workers, society, accquantinces, friends, significant others, and family will let you down probably more than once. That's just how it goes. Now, you might let yourself down sometimes as well. For example, if you did badly on a test and you know it's because you kind of blew off studying and you know you could have done better if you actually studied. In that case, you let yourself down, BUT at least you were in control. You could have changed that result, you just chose not to by not studying. However, if you put your all into a relationship or friendship and then you depend upon that particular person to be reliable since you always are reliable to them and that person lets you down even with all your efforts, then you are in a situation that you have no control over. You did your part in the relationship or friendship and met the expectations of that friend...that was all that was pretty much in your control. Yet, they still let you down since you didn't have control.

See how being independent doesn't even have to relate with money somtimes?

I honestly can say "I TRUST ME." There are a few people I trust with certain things, but I completely trust and depend upon myself.

Now, in no way am I saying that we should throw all people out of our life and just live on our own. It's good to have friends and family that you know will support you, be there for you if you need someone to talk to, create memtories with, or make you laugh.

I never, ever was the type of girl that wanted to depend upon a guy (financially), in fact I am the type to say "No, you don't have to buy me that" or would be the girl that would get upset if a guy bought me a really expensive purse or something. It's just not my thing to be honest. And if I (did)/do ever get treated that way, I am EXTREMELY appreciative.

However, I feel like I did somewhat rely on a relationship for emotional stability and happiness. I remember I used to think well if I ever feel insecure or not confident around a bunch of people I can just remember I have someone at the end of the day. I thought that a significant other could kind of bring me strength and make me feel more confident and less self conscious about everything. So in that sense, I was dependent because I guess that's what you do when you are in a relationship & love someone. Not saying that it's all bad, but I think now I realize it's better to first be dependent upon yourself for emotional strength before relying on someone else. Because, yet again, that person might not always be there and when they are gone I can promise you it's a serious struggle to pick yourself up after being shattered to pieces. I know that I will always be with myself. I will always have my mind, my values, my respect for myself, and my thoughts.

I used to worry (and sometimes still do) about when I would get married and have kids and how I was going to find this "right" person, and how would I not be hurt? Now, I'm kind of just like "go with the flow".Does it really suck to be alone sometimes? YES!! I'm not going to lie! I'm just good with where I am going personally. I've got plans for myself and there is no one that can let me down because I'm not depending on anyone else for my happiness.

 Like I said, I am going to work to become as dependent upon myself as I can. I've talked about emotionally, but now to the financially part. It takes some time since I need a legit career before I can move out for real and pay for everything on my own and do everything on my own. I think I'm off to a really good start though. I'm so grateful for being the raised way I was/am. I know that at any moment I could ask my parents for anything and they would try their best to supply it to myself or my sister. Yet, we always try to pay for our stuff. We pay for our doctor appointments, our contact lenses, our pets (vet & food), our gas, our own products, groceries at school, our clothes, car registration & emissions, our school books, our credit card bills and definitely any luxury items. The only things we don't pay for is our car insurance, cell phone bill, and rent while living at my dad's. There have been plenty of times that I've offered my dad money for my car insurance or to help him out in any way possible. Plus, both my parents  know how grateful my sister and I. We always say how we are going to pay them back when we graduate and have a career and I seriously will. I tell my dad that my first real paycheck is going to him. It's great knowing that I can rely on my parents for help, but I would prefer not to! 

I hear some people my age and even older that still rely HEAVILY on their parents. Their parents still do their laundry, always cook for them, tell them when they need to do certain things, what decisions to make in life, what classes they need to register for, etc. It's just really odd and it's NOT cute, especially if you're a guy. Some people have never had their own job or made their own money. Why would you want to live a life like that? I just can't imagine that. Working has taught me so many values and the value of money.  It's SO much more rewarding when you work hard and earn your money to achieve the things you need/want at the end of the day.

I love the values I was taught and brought up with. I love where it is taking me in life. I love who I am becomming. I love that I am dependent upon myself and I can't wait until the day that I am fully dependent upon myself! :)

Well, that was a really long entry, so if you actually read this...thanks! I just needed to get it written down because it's been on my mind a lot lately!

Highlights of 2011

Since I went through some really tough stuff in 2011, I feel that I should take the time to look back on what actually was good and enjoyable in 2011. I'm going to go in chronological order & hopefully I don't miss anything!

-Hanging out and talking more with some people from UWG and from Block I (Amanda, Ruth, & Megan). Working on projects with Amanda & Ruth. Talking to Megan about the drama and being able to relate, which made me feel better. Going out to eat and hanging out was fun & helped get my mind of things!
-Going to Aryon's for one night. Vented a lot & he was there to support me through some of the drama. Racks on Racks, Katt Williams
-On the Border with my mom on her birthday.
-Going to Aryon's for 2 nights with Ashley and some other people. Had a blast with their friends and family. Crank that Lion King Wop, ghost ride the whip in the parking lot, fried oreoes, Ashley trying to study in the closet, "What do I look ordering dough?" I think I at out 5 times that weekend haha!
-Ashley coming over one day in March to go to IHOP and chat. All those hilarious, random pictures we took! :D
-Having Starbucks at Target with Priscilla. So glad she also listened to me vent! :)
-Got a 4.0 in Spring semester with 20 credit hours and dealing with all the drama.
-Got promoted at Papaya!
-My sister's graduation. It was kind of hectic, but Ashley spent the night & we watched old home videos of when we were cool kids.
-PCB, Florica!!! Kind of was against the trip at first for a few reasons, but I wish I was still there! Honk, HEYY!, 2 mile walk to Walmart, fire alarm at 1 AM & Leila hitting me (as I slept) saying "Loretta" thinking me it was my phone alarm, LEGIT 12 scoops of ice scream so we wouldn't waste any, the Peligrino bottle in the bed, IT'S SO COLD, Pearl, My name is Jack, grenade whistle, screaming each time a wave came, "The Situation" sunglasses, rock music, he wrote it on a napkin, the pool guy, grab the documents, the window, watching "The Hills", hotel gym and being on the elevator for like 5 minutes, ok cool guy, IN THIS BIT
-Summer classes. I actually miss living in my on campus apartment and those roomies I had. They were literally the best ones I've had! Cooking dinner, going to the gym for like 3 hours to run & do yoga. Starbucks before my class (discoverd my love for Green Tea Lemonades or GTL haha). It was a good balance to be there during the week and then come work 3 days at home on the weekend.
-Meeting Lisa and making one of the best decisions of the year for myself. I was able to overcome so much and realize who I truly am through her help. I can't even say how grateful I am for that. I am really going to miss our weekly talks.
-Laser Tag!!!
-Things working out for Leila with college issues because I was really worried about it.
-Renting a whole bunch of Redbox movies
-Leila & I realizing our drive and determination for certain things to work and for us to become more successful
-The day Leila & I went to GSU for her chem test and then we went shopping after. Crazy & long day!
-Aryon, Mansoor, & Brandon coming over for a cookout like old times. We could not stop laughing & I missed those moments! Brandon's text convo and the suggestions Leila & I said for him to text.
-Got my first apartment at school & was able to bring Tango with me!
-The animal shelter :D
-Going to Zumba for the first time...and I'm SO glad I did! It's been such a stress relief, good work out, and something fun for me to do. Met a few new people including Sophia! :) Plus I got more in shape! :)
-Leila staying with me during Homecoming weekend. It made some situations so much better!
-Hanging out at Sophia's apartment for girls night and American Horror Story (one of my new favorite shows now). It was so great to have some people to laugh & talk with!
-IHOP with neighborhood peeps until like 12 AM
-Priscilla stopping by while I was home one weekend and catching up!
-Getting my cartilage pierced my bday weekend, then going to Dahlonega for a day trip with my sister even though getting lost was sketchy! haha! The corn maze and haunted corn maze in the dark!
-Pretty much the WHOLE month of October. I wish I could relive some of it! I had some really good memories and happy moments throughout that whole month! <3
-LUDACRIS Concert! I had so much fun dancing and singing all the songs with Sophia & Caitlin! 
-My student teaching experience for fall semester. I truly loved those kids and the staff. I wish I could stay there for internship to be honest!!
-Getting closer to some people in my life.
-Getting some good advice from people about school and life.
-Leila staying with me in November and going to Zumba & the animal shelter with me, and to Douglasville to go shopping. We also stayed up til about 5am trying to do homework and were falling asleep! Watching the people towing the cars in the apartment parking lot and yelling at them when they almost hit my car because they were terrible towing people!
-All the talks on the car rides back home after picking my sister up from GSU. We got to update each other and never stopped talking that whole weekend together.
-Getting a 4.0 again for fall semester!
-Neighborhood bonfire
-More venting & catchup conversations with Priscilla at the mall.
-My sister being able to get off the morning shift for Christmas day
-The "good deeds"/productive day when we donated lots of clothes to Good Will, gave food to a homeless man, took Nyxie to a do-it-yourself bath, and got so much done that day.

Well I think that's about it for now. If I think of anything else, I'll just come back & edit this!
I did have a lot of great things happen and good memories even with the struggles. I'm glad I was able to enjoy those moments! Hopefully this year (2012) will be more positive and uplifting.
I know whatever I do this year and in life, I will always be there for myself and be able to depend on myself.
I know who I am. I trust who I am. And I know that wherever I go, I will do great things!