It's just not who I am.

This whole trip out of the country has had me deeply thinking about one specific topic even more than I usually do. That topic is how I don't fit in. I appreciate parts of my culture and I know that will always be a part of me. I will always be diverse and have some traits that I got from that culture, but I feel like people want me to be something I'm not nor will ever be. It really makes me upset because I shouldn't have to conform to make everyone else happy especially if I'm not doing anything wrong. (Well in their eyes maybe I am since they want me to be this ideal person they picture me as). I've heard people say how if interracial couples have children, then the mixed children will have a hard time identifying with their race. Well I think it's more difficult if you are a part of pretty much opposite cultures. I don't think my sister or I have to choose which culture we identify with because I pick up something from each. However, my PERSONAL lifestyle is leaning more towards American with different aspects of Iranian. 

I just get really frustrated because I think a majority of my family (not all, so please don't get offended if you're reading this and you are a part of my family) doesn't TRULY know who I am and if they did would they want to know that side of me? Trust me, I am not some crazy, party rebel girl, but I just don't think they know my interests and what really makes me happy.

Just seeing what they really enjoy and what they think is great and what they expect is absolutely overwhelming. A lot of this is NOT me, but I feel like it's expected of me just because I was born a part of this culture.

I'm not fancy china dishes at every meal. I'm not forcing people to eat & eat & eat when they are full. I'm not uptight and running all over the place. I'm not a boring and extra fancy wedding in which the bride and groom don't smile EVER. I'm not the cat-like dance moves. I am not the 10 chandeliers in the house. I am not the put 2 pounds of food on my plate even though I'm 22 and can serve myself. I am not the "I care about what everyone else thinks, so I must look fancy" attitude. I am not the non-smiling face in a photograph. I am not the extra social extrovert. I am not the girl who is supposed to marry who my parents want because I should want to make them happy. I am not rice with every meal. I am not the super fancy & uncomfortable curtains, drapes, rugs, and bedding. I am not "you gotta believe in God". I am not the feta cheese & butter on bread for breakfast every morning. I am not the music with the same male and female voices that just sound like they are yelling. I am not the talk that always sounds angry and like an argument. I am not the woman expected to just clean up after everyone while the guys just get to sit around every single time. I am not my parents planning my whole wedding.

This is not me, but I feel like it's almost forced upon me like I'm supposed to conform to that just because part of my culture does that. I don't do everything from either culture. There's things I despise from the American culture like eating out at fast food restaurants continuously and the gluttony.

I am humorous. I am fun. I am laid back, but organized. I am a volunteer that thinks of the environment and about animals constantly. I am loud rap music in my car. I am contemporary designs. I am grilling food by the pool. I am cooking healthy vegetarian meals. I am the bright colors. I am the smiling person in a photograph. I am open-minded. I am diversity. I am zumba dance moves. I am make people feel comfortable, but not being pushy. I am sleepovers with friends even if I'm 22. I am making jokes and being random. I am feeding stray cats. I am pancakes or french toast for breakfast. I am sitting outside on the porch eating dinner while watching Fantasy Factory. I am Redbox movies with my sister. I am fart noises with my mouth & ugly faces. I am the screaming fan at a baseball or basketball game. I am the individual hello and goodbye to my pets each time I leave for a while because they mean so much to me. I am the think about others mindset. I am the go out to Taco Bell at 1 AM blasting music & singing. I am conspiracy theories. I am thinking outside the box.  

That's just part of who I am.

I've just been feeling really out of place and that my true personality and interests might not be what is expected of me, but that's the key word...ME. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not a terrible person. In fact I think I'm genuinely a good person. 

It's been causing me a lot of anxiety and I'm not sure how it's going to be as I grow older.

scrambled thoughts.

Scrambled thoughts seem to be a common issue for me. There's so much I have in my mind, so much I wish I could say, so much I wish I could understand and make others understand, and so on. I honestly don't know if much of this post will make sense to anyone because yet again it's just about my scrambled thoughts. I just feel like I need to let them out. So here are my thoughts that are consuming me at the moment...

-I surprise myself with this hypocritical feeling, but I generally do not like humans/people, but I'm too good and too nice to people (even people I'm hardly close to). Why?! Some people might call that fake, but it's not. I am genuinely a kind & caring person, but I think even though I don't like most people, I still feel like if I have a good heart towards them, then it'll be contagious. Like somehow those people will see my goodness and be inspired by it or appreciate it. I've come to realize it doesn't work that way. I need to expect less or nothing from people whether they are close to me or not. It's that sad truth  Unfortunately not many people truly know how I am and what I can be except for my sister. People will say I'm nice, but they don't know the extent and/or don't care. 

I know this is weird, but even if you're confident in yourself and about who you are as a person, it starts to make you wonder "what's wrong with me?" when other people don't acknowledge you/your efforts. :/

-Life is just confusing. I feel like we just chase our so called "dreams" if we even know what they are or if those are even realistic dreams. Sometimes the purpose is difficult to find when you are looking through a muddy lens. I try to not see things in that way because I am a positive person, but sometimes things just don't make sense.

-I am tired of this damn empty and incomplete feeling that goes away for some bit, but consumes me for a few hours here and there. I try so hard to fight it back, but it's just difficult in some situations. I get to thinking and I get this empty feeling. I'm okay, I just wish I could avoid that feeling all the time.

-I HATE feeling stuck and that's exactly what I feel now. 

-I would like to have new friends in the Gwinnett area since I won't be out in Carrollton at college anymore. I don't know how I'm going to survive in this house without my sister when she goes back to college in August. Then again, I don't think I'm the greatest at making new friends even though I think I'm a great & loyal friend...

-Money causes me stress. To be honest, right now money could by me happiness because I wouldn't feel stuck in a lot of the situations I'm facing.

-I need to read The 50th Law some more. It's really motivating and straight forward. However, I just have to put it into affect which is the challenging part. 

That's it for now.

Looking Back.

So it's officially here, my college graduation. After tomorrow I will have accomplished a big milestone in my life and achieve my undergraduate degree in early childhood education. Now, most people in my situation are or would be ecstatic to be graduating, but me...not so much. Don't get me wrong I am SO excited and proud of myself for reaching this goal and for graduating with Magna Cum Laude honors (3.87 GPA-yay!), but the future is scary to me. I don't really even have the passion in my degree I used to have. I don't know what my next step or what path I'm going to take next. I know a lot of people are going to ask me, "So what are you doing after you graduate?". Honestly, I don't know and I wish I did, but I'm just going to take it a step at a time and have faith in myself that no matter what choice I make, I will be successful. I just have to be patient and optimistic and as always, determined. 

Anyway, I wanted to do a post looking back at my 4 years of UWG and college. I swear it feels like I was just moving into my dorm room in 2008 with my family helping me. It was such a big adjustment and although I did fine, I didn't feel completely connected until more recently. I had so many great memories, laughs, experiences, and friends from UWG. 

So here's a list of all my memories:

-Hanging out with Brittney, Tyrone, & Sabrina freshman year. They were my first group of friends on campus and we had so many laughs, random jokes, late nights, and memories. I'm glad I had them there to share our first year experiences together especially since I didn't know anyone really.

-Pretty much my WHOLE entire sophomore year except for a few things here & there. I feel like my relationship at the time was at a great point, which sucks now, but looking back I truly miss those memories like going to the Heat/Hawks game & New Moon premiere. My classes that year were really interesting and I feel like my mind opened up even more when I took an educational diversity course (my favorite class I've taken). I started volunteering at the animal shelter and with Love Not Litter. Met some great people in the process and found my favorite part of being in Carrollton--working with the animals at the shelter.

-Being co-president of Love Not Litter even though it was difficult and time consuming at times, I still enjoyed it and I like knowing I had somewhat of an impact on the campus and the environment. Plus, I gained leadership experience which helped me a lot.

-The cohorts I had with Amanda & Ruth. They have been my education major friends and it's been helpful to have them to remind me or help me with anything we had to do. We enjoyed some laughs especially with some of the classes we had! I don't think I could've handled working on the file folder project without them for those 10 hours!

-Being at UWG during Summer 2011 and just enjoying little things like living in Arbor View, getting a GTL from Starbucks before class, and my gym routines. I even liked my roommates during summer and of course I lived with them the shortest time period!

-Going to Zumba and meeting Sophia during my senior year. The late night talks we had in the TLC parking lot after zumba and at her apartment after American Horror Story girls nights were so much fun. I felt like I was really able to connect with her and vent/cry to her when I was feeling down about some issues. It really sucks to have to leave after finding someone I could really bond with! 

-Going to all the gym classes I went to like yoga, zumba, krunk, and running the track. I got a lot of stress out at the gym and was able to just let go and have fun in the classes. So glad I made the decision to go to those classes this past year! I'm really going to miss all the fun and excitement in zumba & krunk. I know I won't be able to find that anywhere else!

-My student teaching experiences, even though some weren't the greatest. I met some great teachers and some students that really touched my heart. I honestly think my student teaching experiences have helped me grow a lot as a person because I used to have such a fear to get in front of people, but I became more comfortable and confident. 

-All the times Leila was able to come stay at UWG with me. It was great to show her around and enjoy time with her like when we went to 6 flags, the UWG football game & parade, La Trattoria, power naps and then late night shopping, and me falling out of my desk chair and her laughing at me.

-When Leila & Ashley came to UWG in February of this year. We had SO many laughs and I was so glad to see them both. ZOMBIES! haha

-Living with Tango in my own apartment. Even though living with random roommates is pretty much TERRIBLE and annoying, I still enjoyed being able to have Tango as comfort. I think he made a big difference in my happiness even though that might sound crazy, but he brought me joy! It was amazing to FINALLY have my own bathroom and kitchen.

-Living on my own in general. It's REALLY going to suck to revert back to living at home for a bit. I mean I LOVE Gwinnett and my house and my family, but I'm at the age where I'm just ready to be independent and on my own to be honest. It's going to feel weird to reverse it a bit, so hopefully I can get a job & move out quick!

-Ludacris Concert!!!!! That was my first real concert and I had SO much fun with my friends. We were probably some of the most hype and excited people there. We danced and sang to every song. I wish I could relive it again!

-My on campus job. I LOVED LOVED LOVED LOVED my job on campus. I seriously am so lucky to have been able to work in such a great environment and with some really amazing people. My supervisor and grad assistant for the program have been like mentors to me. I have gained SO much from knowing them and being around them. They have made a huge impact on me and I greatly appreciate it and will miss them dearly!

-Finding strength in myself the past year and becoming what I am. I still always look back with shock and amazement that I was able to accomplish what I did under the circumstances I had to handle. I made a 4.0 for the past 2 years of college and was an overload student for 1 whole year. So, considering all that went on and still doing so well, I just can't believe it. I'm proud of myself for making it through and although I still struggle, I am getting better with handling those emotions, pains, and downfalls. Pressure Makes Diamonds & I am determined to become that diamond! :)

-Meeting with someone who was probably my BIGGEST impact in college for part of my senior year. I don't talk about this to many people because I don't feel like explaining myself, but she helped me gain my strength and realize I can be okay. I could easily relate to her and I was so shocked how similar our beliefs were. I came to her unsure, broken, and so hurt. I was able to talk about my frustrations, pain, and worries with so much trust. I honestly looked forward to every Friday when I would see her because I felt such a relief talking with her. Having her there to listen and help me process the hurt I felt has saved me I believe. I was at SUCH a low point and she was someone who I could rely on. So glad I had made the decision to make an appointment because it has made a HUGE difference and I am forever grateful for that.

So it's apparent as to why I don't want to leave this great university. I am very attached and have such a valuable time here. I will truly miss it and the people I've come close with, but I will have to visit in the future. West Georgia will always be a part of me and I'm so glad I went here. On to the next chapter...

not a cookie cutter girl.

A lot of times in my life I have felt VERY out of place. It's a continual feeling I am overwhelmed with. I am so grateful for who I am and that's partially due to the way I was raised and my parents. However, there is something about myself and my sister that sets us apart definitely from people in our age range, but also from just people in general. Maybe this is the reason why I am the nicest person to pretty much everyone and am so willing to help others out, yet I hardly have any friends. I've been used to this though ever since about middle school. I am not some awkwardly social or extremely unfriendly, rude, and careless person. I don't know what exactly it is about my sister and I that makes us so different. Well I could list off the aspects that make us different, but I don't completely know why. I honestly feel like I'm not from this place at times, as crazy as that may sound I feel it's true. I feel a huge disconnect from everyone else. Everyone seems to have the same lifestyles, same beliefs, same type of friends, same personalities, same habits, same addictions, and even the same paths that they follow.

Over the past few years especially more so recently, I have really thought about all this. It's like society creates this idea of how we should be in life. Girls should want to be married with children by mid-twenties, taking care of a husband, cleaning the house, hardly making any money or just being a stay at home mom because "you've got a man you can depend on financially & emotionally" (until  he cheats on you or you divorce), get nails & hair done at least 2 times a month, have lots of shopping trips so you can buy the most up to date trending items out there, and so on. It's like it's supposed to be a destiny for all girls/women to want to have children and feel like that's their "duty in life". They are expected to desire and love those children before they are even born. Now, I'm not saying I wouldn't be a great parent because I know for sure I would be. Like I said, I am very loving and take care of people I am hardly close to, so imagine how I am with those who I am close with. I would do EVERYTHING in my capability to give my child/children the best and most stable life possible. Yet, I hardly have the desire to have children. Is that a problem because I'm a girl? When most women look at pictures of babies or talk about their future wedding plans they get so excited or "ooh" and "ahh". I'm more like "ehh whatever cool". Leila and I have talked about this before and about why we are like that. We aren't really sure why, but it's just how we feel. We are young for crying out loud, why should that be our focus anyway?

Do I need to be this cookie cutter way to have a complete and fulfilling life? Do I need to have a extreme desire to want that life?

I'm just tired of girls being pitiful, weak, dependent (especially just on a man) and cookie cutter like because then there are girls like me who don't fit that at all in my opinion. 

One BIG example I hate is when girls complain (not going to use the original word that came to my mind) about how "guys should pay for everything on a date". Ok really?! I think things should be done equally in a relationship. Here's an idea, perhaps try alternating who pays on a date! I also hate when men & women do different "gendered" tasks such as women clean the house, take care of kids, and cook dinner while men just do yard work and make the majority of money for the family. Another thing that I think should be done equally and in an alternating manner or even done together. Is that too crazy of an idea?

I've said this before, but my main goal in life is to be COMPLETELY dependent upon myself in all ways of life. I want to have people there for me if I do ever need them (like my family), but I want to achieve that. My accomplishments in life will mean so much more when I can look back and say "Look what I did!" (key word 'I'). 

I don't need someone to help me unpack at my apartment, I don't need someone to open the car door for me, I don't need someone to walk me back to my place, I don't need someone to pay for me. I appreciate your concern, but I GOT IT!

So to sum this rant all up, I just think in the end it feels so much better if you can reflect upon yourself and your actions and be proud of what YOU did and what YOU accomplished and who YOU truly are.

Fear Nothing.

"Your fears are a kind of prison that confines you within a limited range of action. The less you fear, the more power you will have and the more fully you will live."--Robert Greene

Today I picked up a book I've been meaning to read for like the past 2 years called The 50th Law written by 50 Cent (my favorite musical artist & celebrity I look up to) and Robert Greene. When I picked the book up the clerk at the desk said "You know what this is about right? It's about dominating people, blah blah blah".  I was kind of offended because he probably hardcore judged me for my book choice. Plus, it's NOT about dominating people. I already started reading it and loved it within the first few pages. The book is mainly about fear and how to conquer that fear and become more powerful in the process. Some of the famous quotes and concepts in the book are really thought provoking. I feel as though reading this book is going to be highly beneficial to my mindset. I would really love to become a fearless and powerful person. I like to be in control and in charge. I like to be on top of my game. I enjoy depending on myself while others depend on everything and everyone, BUT his or herself.

Anyway, this book got me thinking about fear and how it's used as a way to control. Some people play upon people's fears. This happens ALL the time with government and with religion. He even says in the book, 

"Out of fear, we also developed religion and various belief systems that comfort us. Fear is the oldest and strongest emotion known to man, something deeply inscribed in our nervous system and subconscious."  

It appears as though a vast majority of people have this huge fear of a "higher being" and I'm not sure why. First of all even as parents, we are NOT supposed to have our children fear us, yet respect us. So why do people feel the need to say ridiculous things such as "I only fear God"? Why? What are you doing so wrong in this world that you need to fear some higher invisible being? It's just another attempt at controlling people and playing with their emotions. Fear is what makes you weak. It stops you from being you. It holds you back from opportunities. It makes you dependent. It traps you and confines you.
Everyone has emotions and that's completely natural. We are technically animals, so it's instinct to have fears, but when you let those fears consume you then that's when it becomes a problem. 
I really truly want to begin to live this lifestyle of less or no fear. I typically get a lot of anxiety and fear about things that are out of my control although I've gotten much better. Now, I'd like to look at those situations that bring fear to me and instead of avoiding it, getting anxious, and/or upset, I will deal with it head on. Instead of letting fear and adversity get the best of me, I will find a way to come out stronger and more powerful. I will turn something negative and make it positive. I will not live in a fantasy world, but I will accept reality while working on the aspects that I have control over. 
This might be difficult and somewhat of a process, but I believe that I have the drive, fury, and extreme amounts of desire to go through with this idea of "fear nothing". I don't want to settle for less and I always will want more, so I feel as though this book and all the concepts presented in it are perfect for me, especially at this point in my life.

Fear Nothing. 

heartache.

For once I'm not talking about heartache that deals with love and relationships. However, it's almost as complicated to be honest. I probably shouldn't even be writing right now, but I need to vent perhaps for some sanity, so here I go.

So I mentioned the fact that I applied to grad school for a College Student Affairs degree in a previous blog and I was pretty stoked for the opportunity. But lately, my mind has been spinning and flipping to figure out just what I truly want. I wish I had an answer. I wish anyone had an answer for me, but it doesn't work that way. I know I have to learn for myself and figure it out. These feelings are what are causing me to feel stuck and that's what leads me to the title of my entry...heartache.

Have you ever had to make a decision in your life in which either one would lead to heartache?!
Well that's exactly the type of situation I'm in right now.
I genuinely LOVE West Georgia. I have gained so much from my experience here and it really hasn't had anything to do with my education/schooling here. It's been more about my experiences, people I've connected with, and opportunities I've had. However, that's a whole other entry I need to write closer to graduation probably (which by the way is EXACTLY a month from today...SCARY!!).
What I am getting at is that I love UWG as a college, my on campus job, the animal shelter, new friends I've made, even my regular gym classes and routines. I love and enjoy being able to be on my own and do things when I want to. It makes me feel my age and like I'm an adult. Sometimes at home I feel the opposite of that.

Then on the other hand, I LOVE being back home in Gwinnett. I love the comfort I feel when I'm there, which is a HUGE factor in my life. I feel like I am where I belong when I'm in Gwinnett; I don't feel that in Carrollton. I love being around what I grew up around. As stupid as this may sound to some people...I love being there with my cat AND dog. If you really know me, you know my pets mean the world to me and are my children basically. Being away from any of my pets is highly difficult for me especially when I know my sister isn't there to take care of Nyxie anymore. So whatever, judge me for that reason, but it's honest. Gwinnett was also my plan and even though I realize things don't always go as planned...I feel like it's what makes me happy. I feel like my money situations will be more manageable back home which would help me succeed more.

So Gwinnett has what's comfortable to me while Carrollton has the enjoyable aspects that I've grown to love over the past few years. I don't know if one decision is better than the other for ME, personally. I see pros & cons in both. If I go to Gwinnett, I won't have my Carroll Animal Shelter anymore, my usual hanging out with college friends, the fun gym classes, the people at my job and the people on campus that I've become familiar with, and for some period of time I won't really have the freedom that I enjoy at UWG. However, Carrollton doesn't have my family, all around comfort level, both my pets, or as much financial stability.

I am trying to see it as though I'm choosing between two great places that I love, but then I'm just back at the same issue. Either way, I will feel sad to pick one over the other. It's such a heartache to even think about choosing. Each day that passes is closer to graduation and big decisions that I have to make. It's honestly causing me a LOT of anxiety because it's one of the most difficult decisions I feel like I've had to make yet.

I need and long for certainty & stability.

Growing up is hard...

Who knew that growing up would be so challenging?! I knew there were difficult parts of growing up, specifically money and time management, but I didn't know the issues I'm facing now would be a part of growing up. I always thought I was certain about so much in my life. I want to do this and live here and be with this person and have this many kids and live in this type of house. Now I'm literally just like "I don't know" or "I'm not sure right now" about a lot in my life. I've been having a particularly rough week and honestly I have been an emotional wreck. This is usual for me recently. I can usually handle stress and issues pretty well. I am not letting these issues ruin my happiness, but it is just bugging at me. I was at the point where I just kept taking naps in order to avoid thoughts about the future, which reminds me of a different scary point in my life around this time last year. All my issues go away temporarily as I sleep and as soon as I wake up they literally flood my brain. It's exhausting being me and having the thoughts I have.

I talked to my dad about these issues and tried SO hard to not cry and be a "big girl", but I just broke down because I don't want to waste time and I want to make the right decisions while being happy now and in the future. I just don't know what will bring me that yet. I know I work my hardest in all that I am passionate about, but I just want to find that point in my life where I'm so content with pretty much everything. I'm not saying that life will ever be perfect and always go my way, but I'm saying I want to be at that comfortable, truly happy point in my life. So of course my dad was all worried about me because of how much stress this was causing me. We talked more about this and he said he's "200%" behind me and knows that I can do so much and that he doesn't think I realize how smart/good I am at school. It's amazing having parental support, but I was trying to make him realize that my main goal in life is to be able to be completely dependent upon myself and not like 25 years from now. I want this to happen before I'm like 30...is that so wrong?! I know my parents will always help me out and don't mind and my dad said "what's the point of being a parent then?"...which is true, but I still don't want to be this mid-20s girl that still lives at home & has dad paying for big things in my life. I do pay for so much & do as much as I can given the situation, but I just want to not have to depend on them. I want them to have less expenses and live more comfortably. 

I argued that it's because I care so much about my future and he said "maybe too much" because I can't plan everything for the future. I know this is reality, but I like to have a plan and know what's going on. Uncertainty scares me. Choosing the path I want to take in life and looking at all the pros/cons, obstacles, and outcomes is just so overwhelming. For some it may be easy to just graduate college and move on, but for me it's definitely not that easy. I analyze everything and look to how things will affect me in the long run.

I don't want to live an average paycheck to paycheck lifestyle. I want to do so much more in life that just the average/regular. I just want to find my correct path in life that will make me feel complete.