My Dedication...

When do I not have a lot of thoughts on my mind? Lately though, it's been almost unbearable. My mind is at a million miles per hour and I'm struggling with keeping up. My heart and head are conflicting, I am not sure what to feel, what to think, what to look for in life, and feeling emptiness and uncertainty again. I just need to get it out...
So, to start this off, this is going to be a long blog post and if you read it, then kudos to you. I do this blog for myself, but I share it so maybe others around me can understand me or maybe even relate.
I go through these moments in life where I question my worth, my point in living, my own "purpose". And trust me when I say I have a high intrapersonal intelligence, meaning I am very conscious of my thoughts and my personality. Some people are very interpersonal and are great with others, I'm great with myself. So, when I say things like I question my worth and point of living, it's not because I want pity. It's not because I want to be dead. It's because I have this longing to do so much, be so much, and go so far. I can't just go by in life. I can't experience this empty, unfulfilled feeling my whole life. I'm trying to seek what will make that emptiness go away. What will make me feel fulfilled at the end of my life, whenever that is? 
So driving home today, I had the thought, "I'm dedicating my life to one thing and one thing only...doing good." And this is most definitely not because I want to go to some perfect place when I die. I could care less what happens after I die, because that's unknown. What I do know is that I'm here on this Earth, living this life now and I want to chase down whatever makes me happiest. To some people that's love or falling in love, but not me. I've basically given up on that and try so hard not to care about that at all anymore. Then I think though, "Wow, I have so much love to give. I have so much care and so much about me is selfless. All of that love, and all of that care will just go to waste at the end of it all." Which to me is a shame and it actually bothers me. 

Believe it or not, but I swear this is how I feel. I have a deep desire to make others happy (some more than others). I always want to give. I always want to make someone's day. I always want to be there fore someone who might feel at their lowest point even if I'm not that close to them. I always want to surprise people. I always want to do kind gestures or offer whatever help I can. 

I guess it's some nurturing part that's always invested in me. I promise I've tried SO hard to get rid of it. I sometimes hate it because so many people don't appreciate it, realize it, hardly show any concern back, wouldn't EVER be there for me, wouldn't even think about how they could show care for me. People say "Oh, you're too nice" like it's a bad thing, well okay maybe it is somewhat. However, I'd rather be too nice of a person than too mean of a person, even if it means people take it for granted. It's what makes me happy. If I were to be on my death bed, I could look back and be proud that I made someone's day or I helped them get through something or I was there for them when no one else was and to me that's what I want in my life.
It'd be awfully nice if there were more people like me in this world or at least in my life, but sadly I've been lied to, forgotten, ignored, avoided, pushed away, used, unappreciated, & taken granted by MANY people. And no I don't just mean regular people, by some of my "good" friends and with relationships. Perhaps if you're reading this you might have actually been one of those people and you don't even realize it because it's your selfish thinking that gets in the way.
Yet, I STILL want to give and do good for people and the world. You would think after all of this I would be callous and bitter. I go through moments where I'm like "Forget this, I don't want to care about anyone anymore." Then I completely contradict myself and go right back. I just CAN'T do it. I can't get out of this. It's who I am and it's who I like to be.

So my life for now on is dedicated to doing good while I'm on this Earth because I believe that will help me fill that emptiness I've felt from other situations and get to that place where I feel fulfilled.

Never settle for less.

My dad has always instilled in me the idea of always doing more and "never settle for less". He's taught me that some people get comfortable with where they are at even though ideally it's not where they want to be. These people feel forever stuck like they can't do more for his or herself when that's usually not true. He taught me to not just live life by "getting by" because that's really not living if you think about it.  

So a few things have kept looking up in my life. I got hired at a job that is related to my degree. Worked two jobs & then recently got promoted to full time, so I was able to quit the former job. This is my first full time 9-6 job with 40 hours a week, paid holidays, and best part...WEEKENDS OFF! So even though I recently got this promotion & am still new at this job, I never want to just settle. I feel that I personally can always do more, accomplish more, & get further. So about two months ago I was contemplating if I should take the Math GACE in October. It cost $165 for two tests, I only had one month to study, and it had a LOT of math that I haven't done recently or haven't done EVER! However, I was thinking that if I did pass both parts I could be certified to teach math for K-12 and that would open up a lot more doors for me. I was so stressed & confused while studying. Seriously wasn't even hopeful that I'd pass the two tests; I mean I even took all 4 hours to test & didn't even finish some parts. I was so shocked when yesterday I check my e-mail & see that not only have I passed one tests, but I passed BOTH!! I felt so relieved & accomplished. I got that difficult task off my checklist. Now I just have to apply to high school jobs since ideally I'd like to teach high school algebra or trig. 
BUT, I still feel like every time I get to one marker in my life it's just a stepping stone to the next one I want to reach. See I am different from a lot of people because I don't want to just settle because things are decent or comfortable. If I know I can do more, then I'm going to push myself to the limit. So I'm already thinking about my next marker, how I can get there & how my current marker can help me get there.

I set standards & expectations for myself pretty high, but I believe they are realistic so I am not let down. It is so motivating when you accomplish a goal you desired to reach. This feeling in return allows you to accomplish yet another goal & the cycle keeps on going...

contradictions.

Maybe it's just the simple fact that I will never truly understand people. Maybe it's the fact that I don't get or even trust people's intentions anymore. Maybe it's because I'm tired of the same crap. Maybe because almost everyone thinks everything is a damn game. Maybe it's because all I feel like I really have is myself. Maybe it's because the majority of people I come across are highly obsessed with them self and completely selfish, when I'm the complete opposite. Maybe because I was always told, "actions speak louder than words, actions speak louder than words," like my words were never and would never be good enough, but if there is one person's word you can trust, then it's definitely mine. Other people on the other hand...not so much. It puts me in this confused state as whether to give people the benefit of the doubt and take their word. A LOT of people are just a bunch of talk with nothing to back it up. Maybe it's because I've been done with proving myself to people because THEY can't open their eyes. It's not my job or responsibility to help you see what you can't notice. I need consistency. I can usually tolerate quite a bit, but I really don't have much patience for anything less anymore before I say "DONE".

 

it's not right, but it's okay.

I really should be studying for my Math GACE that I have to take in 2 weeks, but I got stuck on teaching myself how to find the antiderivative for a function, so here I am. 

I was just thinking back on things that have occurred in my life and how they made me feel. And I'm finally at the point where I can say "I don't care anymore" and that's the weirdest thing because even when people told me I'd get to this point, I was SO persistent on them being wrong. BUT I was actually wrong, because here I am and I'm definitely okay! Now in no way do I forget what happened or how I felt and I can't say "oh yea I'm perfectly fine with everything" because that's not true. I can never erase any pain I have felt in the past or how that has affected my thinking now. However, I can look back and just be okay. Just like Whitney Houston's song "It's not right, but it's okay...I'm gonna make it anyway". All that happened wasn't right, it never will be and yea that sucks, but it's okay and I am making it. AND I will continue to make it through anything else. 
My attitude has really just changed to a whole "I really don't care anymore" type, surprisingly! I'm done with all that crap honestly. I'm done with caring (in this sense). Deep inside, I know I'm good with me and that's a lot better than what most people can say.
It's just such a heavy burden off my shoulders to just not care anymore, to not let those feelings or thoughts hurt me or have a hold on me anymore. 

I never, ever, ever thought I'd get to this point. Even if I talked/thought about this point in the past, it was just a way for me to try and be hopeful so that I would make it through, but...

Here I am. And here I'll stay. 
:)

& really i think i like who i'm becoming.

Do you ever look back to reflect upon yourself and how you have changed? I feel that not many people take the time to realize how they've changed, because it kind of just happens with time. It's just a given that everyone changes. When you're younger, you plan out like your whole life...I'm going to have this career, live there, be married by this age, and have kids by this age. And as you grow up you realize that's not reality. It's nice to have an idea of where you're going and where you want to go in life, but having every single detail planned especially according to time just isn't realistic. Of course, it takes time to realize that. If you would've asked me 5 years ago about where I would see myself now at the age of almost 23 (woah! sounds SO weird), I definitely wouldn't have imagined this at all (for the most part at least). Sometimes that can be overwhelming to accept, but lately I've found myself okay with things "going with the flow". I've finally realized that I can't control ever aspect in my life as much as want to. I can't control others' actions and feelings. I can't control time or some events in life. However, I can control how I handle those events and my own thoughts/feelings. I can either A) choose to let it get me down, frustrate me, and stop me or B) accept it, even if I don't like it, and keep going. Choice B might take more strength and be more difficult, however it'll lead to a more positive/healthy life. 
I guess it's easy for me to reflect on my past self compared to my current self because I've kept personal summer journals (not a blog, a private hand-written journal) since I was 15. Sometimes I read them and I think, "What the hell was I thinking?" It's somewhat funny, but I suppose it's all a learning process and helped me grow to where I am now and much more importantly where I'm going because there's always room for personal growth. With this whole Facebook Timeline thing I have been able to go look at old posts. I was so angry and shut down a few years ago. Now, I'm totally different. I've almost always been positive about most things in life, but people and situations made me fume with anger. It was stupid now that I think about it. Why was I like that?! I still hold in a lot of anger at times, but I've done so much better with letting it go and moving on. Sometimes the emotion of anger is not worth it. I've said before how my strength during some situations in my life has really surprised me, but I also surprise myself with my attitude and how I handle things now. 

I used to feel so afraid and like I had absolutely no control over anything in my life. That if things didn't go as I had wanted or planned, then life was basically pointless. I just see things so much differently now. At the end of the day, if things don't go as planned, bad events occur, or people I really care about/love let me down, then I still and always will have myself. I've realized, that's enough. Some people can't even say they have that or never will be able to say they have that, so that makes me feel content. 
I will still get upset, angry, hurt, or frustrated every now and then because I am human, but I now see it's okay and it'll be okay. 
It's very reassuring to be able to rely on yourself.

"Really, I think I like who I'm becoming."

honesty.

I feel that honesty or lack thereof has been a reoccurring issue. I guess everyone finds it so difficult to be honest. But I wish people could just be honest with me, even if it's something that may bother me or upsets me...I'd much rather have the truth. If I could be, I would be completely open and honest with everyone. However, I feel that people get so easily offended and take things the wrong way so it's almost impossible. For me on the other hand, I'd much rather prefer someone to approach me about something they feel, think, believe, etc. If I do something wrong at work, if I offend someone by what I say, if I hurt someone's feelings, if I'm not doing something correctly, if I annoy you, or if something is wrong, then just tell me. As long as you say it in a kind and polite manner, then please tell me! I'd much rather know what the deal is so I can correct it. How can I become a better person with work, relationships, friendships, etc if no one is ever honest with me? That's why I always tell people to be honest with me. That's why I always ask people, "does that offend you?", "did I do that right?", "is everything okay?" I don't just ask those questions just to ask. I truly mean it and I want an HONEST answer. You could hate everything I do and yea it might suck to hear that, but if you at least say it in a mature and polite way, then that's fine. Thanks for being honest. And I really DON'T want to hear something a year later or even a few weeks later. You better tell me how you feel the moment you feel it, because I don't do that whole, "oh yea I was mad a few weeks ago because..." or "I started feeling this way about a year ago..." (like what the hell is that anyway?!) especially if I constantly ask people to be honest with me. That will surely piss me off. Everyone knows I hardly get mad at people and I can contain myself pretty well, but I can only be pushed so far...

I'm tired of people lying to me. I've caught your lies. I'm not an idiot, just so you know. I play like I don't know what's going on, but I know. Trust me, just because I'm quiet and civil, doesn't mean I don't have thoughts. In fact because I am quiet and so observant, I am able to notice all these petty little things. I'm tired of stories being made up. I'm tired of people avoiding things because they can't brave up and be honest. I'm tired of damn excuses. I'm tired of people doing this crap and acting like everything is peachy keen. It's not. It's NOT okay for you to treat someone like myself this way. I'm tired of people taking advantage of my selfless personality. It's a shame on you. I'm tired of people not just coming to me and talking things out with me. Is it that hard?
I swear some people are lucky I'm still in their lives and still kind to them. I question if some people even deserve it. One day when everyone else screws you over, I might not be around and then you'll realize it.

It's not me; it's you.

I go through these stages where I think, "Is it me? Is there something I'm doing wrong? What's wrong with me? Am I not worthy enough?". And honestly, those thoughts are kind of painful. I'm starting to come to the realization though, that it's not me. I'm not saying that everything I do is perfect and that nothing about me needs to change, but I do not think I am really and truly the problem. 

It's just extremely difficult to grasp why people find it okay to be hurtful to others especially when those others are good people. How do you find that acceptable? How do you live with yourself knowing thinking that is okay? 

I've always been a giving person. It's who I am. It's in my blood. It's one of the traits I really like about myself because it truly shows how selfless I typically am. I guess people take advantage of that. I guess people think it's okay to walk over the "nice guy". When I would talk to others about being giving and people not appreciating it as much as they should, they would wonder why I am this way. They'd be like "Why don't you ask him to pay you back?" or "You should confront her about it". 

My response to all that is, if you can truly live with yourself knowing that you treat genuinely kind people in this manner, then that just shows how you are as a person. I'll have my pride and dignity knowing that I was the true person who loved unconditionally and who really meant what I said. While you on the other hand have some MUCH larger issues to deal with.

So instead of me thinking of all the things that could be wrong with me in order for people to be so inconsiderate to me, I have finally noticed that the problem might just be within those certain people. 

I just have to let go because obviously you did a long time ago.