decisions, decisions.

I just read some of my past blog posts and saw the post that I discussed how I don't know where I'll be after I graduate, what I'm going to do, and how I am going to deal with leaving UWG. I literally started this week not feeling like myself, feeling down, feeling alone, feeling so confused with what to do & making decisions. I try to compose myself and not breakdown emotionally as much as I used to, but I seriously broke down in tears earlier in the week because of how I felt. Then things flipped on me.
Within one conversation on one day this week with people from my on campus job, I had a spontaneous decision to apply to grad school at UWG for a degree in Professional Counseling with a focus on College Student Affairs. It sounded like a great opportunity, I had some great people really routing for me and supporting me, and it could open so many more doors for me. It's overwhelming in SO many ways because I hardly ever make spontaneous decisions and I mean EVER. I like to think things through for quite a while, but this just sounded like a good fit for me. Plus, I just applied. I still have to get accepted and actually confirm that I want to do this for sure. However, it's still exciting and it got me to thinking about how it's so weird to look at how we get to a certain point in our lives.
It's like a ripple affect. One thing can affect another even if it's the smallest aspect. One decision can lead to so many other outcomes. My big example that came to mind is the fact that I'm at UWG. To be honest, I really didn't know much about UWG. The reason I came is somewhat embarassing, even though I would have never said this a few years ago. So maybe I didn't necessarily come for the right reasons, but I can truthfully say coming here was one of my greatest decisions along with a few other ones I have made. I feel that I've accomplished so much while here and grown so much. So if I do continue to be here for 2 more years, then I can enjoy that decision I made back in 2008 even more. It sure would be nice to not have to say good-bye for good in April, so I think this is a good idea.
Also, just want to say thank you again to the people who were so supportive, kind, helpful, and encouraging. I am honestly so grateful to know you all & be around you. It makes me feel so great that people believe in me and want me to do so well and can see all my potential.  I promise I won't disappoint. It's not an option for me. :)

Attached & Indecisive...

I've known that I don't take big changes very easily unless I'm really comfortable and have control in those changes. I also have known that I'm very indecisive when it comes to a lot of decisions I have to make (big or small). It's not that I like someone making decisions for me, because I don't, like I said I like to be in control of what goes on in my life. However, I spend SO much time outweighing pros & cons for almost EVERYTHING that it gets time consuming. It really is exhausting to constantly have your mind process every decision. I feel like it's similar to that movie with Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston, Along Came Polly. Ben is someone who like sees the risks in doing certain things in life with some computer program. My mind is just like that. I try to see what the outcome will be of a certain option in my life. I mean for crying out loud, I literally take 5 minutes to decide what I want from a vending machine or at an ice cream shop.
"Should I try something new?...But what if I don't like something new?...Well you always get that one, so try something different?...Should I even be getting this?...Yes, because you haven't had any in a long time so it's okay...Yea, but you're trying to save money & it's not healthy..." and so on. It's just like the little angel and devil in my head except I don't know which one is right because it's not like my choices are good vs. bad.
So now imagine, if making decisions that deal with choosing ice cream flavors is difficult for me, then think of how hard it is for me to make up my mind for what I want to do in life. BIG HEADACHE
I know I want to be successful and as a matter of fact I know I will be no matter what because I never settle for less when it comes to what I can do. It's just what to do right after college. I honestly don't feel I'm ready to graduate in April 2012. That's so scary! I don't know if I'm ready to just graduate in the spring, have summer to prepare, and then start teaching in the fall. I feel as if I need more time to get everything together and compose myself. School has caused so much burnout and wear on me that I kind of just want a small break. Then, on the other hand I REALLY don't want to leave West GA. This is where the "attached" part comes in. I'm tired of doing school work and being really stressed, but I'm going to miss UWG so much if I leave in April. To be honest I just want to stay and I find it soooooo strange. I remember I wanted to just graduate so quickly just so I could be back in my hometown with all the people I knew & loved there, but once some big changes happened this year, my thoughts have somewhat reveresed. I know I'm going to miss the smallest things that people don't realize and take for granted. It might sound stupid to some people, but I get attached really easily to things that seem so miniscule or unimportant. I'm going to miss going to that gym and taking those zumba classes. I'm going to miss going to that animal shelter because they know me so well. I'm going to miss walking on UWG's campus. I'm going to miss UWG buildings. I'm going to miss the schools and teachers that I met while student teaching. I'm going to miss the few friends I've made. I'm going to miss doing Love Not Litter. I'm going to miss the one person who truly helped me see the greatness in myself and who probably had the greatest impact on me while in college. I'm going to miss the events. I'm going to miss the some of the routines I had while at UWG. I'm going to miss the drive to UWG, even though it seems like a hassle now. I even passed some of my old residence halls on campus the other night & I just thought about how much I missed living in those places because it was somewhat of a comfort to me. I know that probably sounds so weird, but I'm just attached.
So now I'm stuck deciding when I want to start teaching, what I want to get my Masters degree in, when I want to get my Masters, where I want to get my Masters, where do I want to live in the future, if I should stay at UWG to get my Masters, and more.

I guess it's good that I worry over this because it means I care and it means I want to do the best I can in life. However, it's so stressful and I feel that not too many people understand it. Especially people who aren't like me or who are much older than me. It's not as easy as just making a decision and doing it. There's a lot of things that have to be looked through and thought over.
Time is going way too fast and I just need more time to think things over. So, over winter break I have some SERIOUS contemplating to do on my options.

will power

Today I was thinking about how almost anything really is possible if you have enough will power. And I'm talking about legit and realistic things, not magical wishes. For example, someone who lives on the street begging for money probably could get somewhere further in life. In fact, it's happened before. Just look at Chris Gardner (Pursuit of Happyness is based on his life struggles to get to where his is today). He had enough will power to keep trying even though he got knocked down so many times. I'm sure that is extremely difficult and I could never imagine, but I know for sure that I would NEVER sit around asking people for money on a corner somewhere in the city. Do something about it. It's possible, so have the will power!

This might seem random, but another example is ADD/ADHD and the over diagnosis of this "disorder". You know what? Everyone is a little bit spacy at times; everyone has those moments where they can't concentrate on anything. Does that make he/she ADD/ADHD? Nope! Everyone has the ability to lose focus and to have focus, but it's whether or not you have the self control to pick the focused path. Obviously if you take a medication that is supposed to help you focus, then you should probably be focused. But then you're relying on something and that's a weakness in all honesty. If ANYONE took that medication it probably should help them focus because that's the sole purpose of that medication. If we all wanted to get everything done without any distractions or loss of concentration, we would all just stay on medication so we would never face those concentration issues. It's the same thing for a head ache. Just because someone has a head ache and a pain killer such as Advil or Tylenol might help, it doesn't mean it should be taken all the time.

What I'm trying to get at is bigger than this whole medication ordeal. I just wanted to make a comparison. People rely on and depend upon certain crutches too much in life. People get so dependent on certain things that it makes them so weak. People have no will power to just try to make it through something or force themself to have self control. I can never understand people who say "I have to have my caffeine or I can't function" or "I know I should exercise and eat healthier, but I don't feel like it". Well then, since you lack will power, you will get the results that come from those behaviors. Those are just stubborn mindsets in my opinion.Then people also feel that they can blame any of their issues on those "weak" traits. This one is really bothersome, "Fast food resturants should be sued for making me fat"!
That's pure ignorance. The majority of us have the ability to make decisions by a certain point in our life. We have the ability to seek knowledge, to question (even question authority), and to decide on our own what we will and will not do.

So the question isn't "Can you do it?", it's "Are you WILLING to do it?"

One Path.

I have been thinking lately about how there are basically infinite options and pathways in life, but we personally will only know the one we chose to go on. I seem to find myself saying, "what if I had done this differently" or "what if this didn't happen, where would I be?", etc. It seems like a lot of people go through points in their life where they question "what if?" and the thing is we will probably never know the answer to those "what if?" questions because they are just hypothetical. I have been trying to avoid thinking like that because there is really nothing I can do to change the past (to my knowledge at least). It's just very mind boggling to think that one small detail in our life could have a ripple effect and change our path in life completely. Maybe that's why I am so indecisive in most situations. I almost always have to weigh out the pros and cons and make sure I'm set on a decision before I make it. This holds true for things on a small scale to a much larger scale. I don't want to regret my decisions, so I take a long time to decide upon things.
I'll never know what could have been if I went to a different college or if I had said something differently or if I decided to turn left instead of right while driving lost. It bugs me that I'll never know, but I just have to live with it and always think about my actions & decisions.

I also notice how so many people take the path most traveled and then have to learn from big mistakes (whcih turn into regrets) that they made while traveling that path. They could have looked at the people who made mistakes before them: friends, family, etc. If you see the mistakes of those people and know that you don't want to end up the way they ended up, then why would you follow them? Why would you take the same path to basically the same fate?
I guess I just have a much different mindset than most my age. I always am thinking, if/when I were to have kids, would I want to tell them "don't make the mistakes I made" or would I want to tell them "do what I did"? I'm not saying I would tell them to follow my every move, but I mean "do what I did" as in stay true to yourself, stay out of trouble, do good in school, do your best, be a good person in various aspects of life, and so on. If you don't want to tell your kids, "don't do what I did", then why are you doing that stuff now? It's sad because some people will never learn until they face the consequences of their actions and sometimes that's still not enough. I don't need to make the mistake to learn from it, I've seen many others make the mistakes and I've learned by saying I DON'T want to be where they are.

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.