Growing up is hard...

Who knew that growing up would be so challenging?! I knew there were difficult parts of growing up, specifically money and time management, but I didn't know the issues I'm facing now would be a part of growing up. I always thought I was certain about so much in my life. I want to do this and live here and be with this person and have this many kids and live in this type of house. Now I'm literally just like "I don't know" or "I'm not sure right now" about a lot in my life. I've been having a particularly rough week and honestly I have been an emotional wreck. This is usual for me recently. I can usually handle stress and issues pretty well. I am not letting these issues ruin my happiness, but it is just bugging at me. I was at the point where I just kept taking naps in order to avoid thoughts about the future, which reminds me of a different scary point in my life around this time last year. All my issues go away temporarily as I sleep and as soon as I wake up they literally flood my brain. It's exhausting being me and having the thoughts I have.

I talked to my dad about these issues and tried SO hard to not cry and be a "big girl", but I just broke down because I don't want to waste time and I want to make the right decisions while being happy now and in the future. I just don't know what will bring me that yet. I know I work my hardest in all that I am passionate about, but I just want to find that point in my life where I'm so content with pretty much everything. I'm not saying that life will ever be perfect and always go my way, but I'm saying I want to be at that comfortable, truly happy point in my life. So of course my dad was all worried about me because of how much stress this was causing me. We talked more about this and he said he's "200%" behind me and knows that I can do so much and that he doesn't think I realize how smart/good I am at school. It's amazing having parental support, but I was trying to make him realize that my main goal in life is to be able to be completely dependent upon myself and not like 25 years from now. I want this to happen before I'm like 30...is that so wrong?! I know my parents will always help me out and don't mind and my dad said "what's the point of being a parent then?"...which is true, but I still don't want to be this mid-20s girl that still lives at home & has dad paying for big things in my life. I do pay for so much & do as much as I can given the situation, but I just want to not have to depend on them. I want them to have less expenses and live more comfortably. 

I argued that it's because I care so much about my future and he said "maybe too much" because I can't plan everything for the future. I know this is reality, but I like to have a plan and know what's going on. Uncertainty scares me. Choosing the path I want to take in life and looking at all the pros/cons, obstacles, and outcomes is just so overwhelming. For some it may be easy to just graduate college and move on, but for me it's definitely not that easy. I analyze everything and look to how things will affect me in the long run.

I don't want to live an average paycheck to paycheck lifestyle. I want to do so much more in life that just the average/regular. I just want to find my correct path in life that will make me feel complete.

decisions, decisions.

I just read some of my past blog posts and saw the post that I discussed how I don't know where I'll be after I graduate, what I'm going to do, and how I am going to deal with leaving UWG. I literally started this week not feeling like myself, feeling down, feeling alone, feeling so confused with what to do & making decisions. I try to compose myself and not breakdown emotionally as much as I used to, but I seriously broke down in tears earlier in the week because of how I felt. Then things flipped on me.
Within one conversation on one day this week with people from my on campus job, I had a spontaneous decision to apply to grad school at UWG for a degree in Professional Counseling with a focus on College Student Affairs. It sounded like a great opportunity, I had some great people really routing for me and supporting me, and it could open so many more doors for me. It's overwhelming in SO many ways because I hardly ever make spontaneous decisions and I mean EVER. I like to think things through for quite a while, but this just sounded like a good fit for me. Plus, I just applied. I still have to get accepted and actually confirm that I want to do this for sure. However, it's still exciting and it got me to thinking about how it's so weird to look at how we get to a certain point in our lives.
It's like a ripple affect. One thing can affect another even if it's the smallest aspect. One decision can lead to so many other outcomes. My big example that came to mind is the fact that I'm at UWG. To be honest, I really didn't know much about UWG. The reason I came is somewhat embarassing, even though I would have never said this a few years ago. So maybe I didn't necessarily come for the right reasons, but I can truthfully say coming here was one of my greatest decisions along with a few other ones I have made. I feel that I've accomplished so much while here and grown so much. So if I do continue to be here for 2 more years, then I can enjoy that decision I made back in 2008 even more. It sure would be nice to not have to say good-bye for good in April, so I think this is a good idea.
Also, just want to say thank you again to the people who were so supportive, kind, helpful, and encouraging. I am honestly so grateful to know you all & be around you. It makes me feel so great that people believe in me and want me to do so well and can see all my potential.  I promise I won't disappoint. It's not an option for me. :)

Attached & Indecisive...

I've known that I don't take big changes very easily unless I'm really comfortable and have control in those changes. I also have known that I'm very indecisive when it comes to a lot of decisions I have to make (big or small). It's not that I like someone making decisions for me, because I don't, like I said I like to be in control of what goes on in my life. However, I spend SO much time outweighing pros & cons for almost EVERYTHING that it gets time consuming. It really is exhausting to constantly have your mind process every decision. I feel like it's similar to that movie with Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston, Along Came Polly. Ben is someone who like sees the risks in doing certain things in life with some computer program. My mind is just like that. I try to see what the outcome will be of a certain option in my life. I mean for crying out loud, I literally take 5 minutes to decide what I want from a vending machine or at an ice cream shop.
"Should I try something new?...But what if I don't like something new?...Well you always get that one, so try something different?...Should I even be getting this?...Yes, because you haven't had any in a long time so it's okay...Yea, but you're trying to save money & it's not healthy..." and so on. It's just like the little angel and devil in my head except I don't know which one is right because it's not like my choices are good vs. bad.
So now imagine, if making decisions that deal with choosing ice cream flavors is difficult for me, then think of how hard it is for me to make up my mind for what I want to do in life. BIG HEADACHE
I know I want to be successful and as a matter of fact I know I will be no matter what because I never settle for less when it comes to what I can do. It's just what to do right after college. I honestly don't feel I'm ready to graduate in April 2012. That's so scary! I don't know if I'm ready to just graduate in the spring, have summer to prepare, and then start teaching in the fall. I feel as if I need more time to get everything together and compose myself. School has caused so much burnout and wear on me that I kind of just want a small break. Then, on the other hand I REALLY don't want to leave West GA. This is where the "attached" part comes in. I'm tired of doing school work and being really stressed, but I'm going to miss UWG so much if I leave in April. To be honest I just want to stay and I find it soooooo strange. I remember I wanted to just graduate so quickly just so I could be back in my hometown with all the people I knew & loved there, but once some big changes happened this year, my thoughts have somewhat reveresed. I know I'm going to miss the smallest things that people don't realize and take for granted. It might sound stupid to some people, but I get attached really easily to things that seem so miniscule or unimportant. I'm going to miss going to that gym and taking those zumba classes. I'm going to miss going to that animal shelter because they know me so well. I'm going to miss walking on UWG's campus. I'm going to miss UWG buildings. I'm going to miss the schools and teachers that I met while student teaching. I'm going to miss the few friends I've made. I'm going to miss doing Love Not Litter. I'm going to miss the one person who truly helped me see the greatness in myself and who probably had the greatest impact on me while in college. I'm going to miss the events. I'm going to miss the some of the routines I had while at UWG. I'm going to miss the drive to UWG, even though it seems like a hassle now. I even passed some of my old residence halls on campus the other night & I just thought about how much I missed living in those places because it was somewhat of a comfort to me. I know that probably sounds so weird, but I'm just attached.
So now I'm stuck deciding when I want to start teaching, what I want to get my Masters degree in, when I want to get my Masters, where I want to get my Masters, where do I want to live in the future, if I should stay at UWG to get my Masters, and more.

I guess it's good that I worry over this because it means I care and it means I want to do the best I can in life. However, it's so stressful and I feel that not too many people understand it. Especially people who aren't like me or who are much older than me. It's not as easy as just making a decision and doing it. There's a lot of things that have to be looked through and thought over.
Time is going way too fast and I just need more time to think things over. So, over winter break I have some SERIOUS contemplating to do on my options.

You Reap What You Sow.

"You reap what you sow."

This seems to be like a popular "karma" type quote, but I didn't really know about it until a few months ago. I was looking for "karma" type quotes like "what goes around comes around", but something a little different and deeper. I came across this one on a random site, had to look up the meaning of reap and I just loved it. Reap is bascially a farming term synonmous to "harvest" when talking about crops. So now I seem to hear this quote all the time, especially in songs. I also think of this quote all the time and say it to myself quite a bit. Although it does have some of the "karma" aspect to it (like you get what you give), I see it in another way too.
Like my previous post, this doesn't apply to everything especially aspects of life you can't control (i.e. other people). I still think it can apply in a lot of areas of life. In literal terms, you harvest or collect crops that you sow/plant. If you planted tomatoes, you wouldn't expect to harvest cucumbers from that plant.
So, in the metaphorical sense, if you put in no effort or dedication into something, then you can't expect extreme success as an outcome. I have noticed a lot of people (especially my age range) wanting to put in little effort, but get the achievement level that actually requires effort. One main example is school. Sure I guess "school isn't for some people", but I also feel like that's just an excuse. Excuse after excuse doesn't really get you far in life. At the end of the day, you can't expect to have wonderful grades if all you do is party and play around in college. These are the people that plant tomatoes and a few months later come back confused because they wanted cucumbers!

This is exactly why I put my all into things that are important to me in life. I follow this way in school, work, relationships with people I care about, etc. 
What is the point of doing something halfway if you want the end result to be success instead of partial success or even failure?
If you want cucumbers, then you have to plant cucumbers! :)