think outside the box.

It amazes me to hear that some people say they are "different" or they have become "my own person" and found out "who I am", yet these people believe just what they are fed. Why do people believe what they believe? Because it's what they've known since birth?!
People who are racist can't be blamed then because they might have just been taught that since birth. Just because you are taught something since birth, it does not mean that you can't think for yourself. I'm tired of people just accepting everything instead of questioning. Even when I take science classes, they say students are supposed to question everything. That's why we make hypothesis, test them, and create theories based on those tests/evidences. But when your reason is "just because", then that's not really a legitimate amount of evidence for something to be so believed or easily accepted in my opinion.
I feel like people are subconciously brainwashed. No one wants to actually think for themself. I think it's important to question everything, even if it does make me look like a radical thinker. At least I am open to learning more and thinking outside the box.

I have an extreme interest in conspiracy theories which started a few years ago. I always had somewhat different thoughts/beliefs than others I was around, but someone really got me into conspiracies and thinking more in depth about life. We were able to have such intelligent conversations about conspiracies, religion, politics, science, and life. He really opened my eyes to these ideas and so much of it seemed to make sense. Now, even though I'm not close to that person anymore (sadly), I still have a real interest in these topics and continue to research them as well.
I remember one day we watched this video on YouTube called "The Obama Deception". Now, realize this, we both voted for Obama and were not against him at all when we were looking for this video. We both loved to watch conspiracies about 9/11 & government involvement with the people in office at that time period. We always looked up videos and websites about those events, so I wanted to look for stuff that went against Obama, just to hear a different opinion. So I searched on YouTube "Obama conspiracies" and found this video. It isn't necessarily bashing Obama, but more like trying to expose the truth about how all presidents are puppets to a much higher power, which is basically the Feds and "New World Order". A lot of the issues seem to deal with money and power. So anyway, we ended up watching this video and talking about how crazy it is that we are just fed lie after lie. Sad thing is, most people eat it all up and believe it. Ever think if conspiracies happened in the past, why wouldn't they happen now? We talked about how scary it is and had a really deep conversation about our thoughts on the issues. I actually really miss those in depth conversations with him. We had a really strong bond through those conversations. That day especially was one that will always stick in my mind because it really opened my eyes. There are not many people that have similar thoughts that I do. Most people are shunned for thinking differently, but just because my thougthts are in the minority, it doesn't make me a bad person. I just question typical ideals that most people easily accept for whatever reason. Remember at one point everyone thought the world was flat and that the Earth was the center of our Universe. Obviously BOTH were wrong ideas. I'm sure the people who disagreed with those ideas were looked down upon, but they were right. Now, I'm not saying I'm right because NO ONE really knows the truth, but I do have the right to question the normally accepted ideals.

I feel like we will only know the truth if we continue to seek the truth through questioning. We are not supposed to be robots, so why do we all have to think like robots?

100% on the right path.

On my 22nd birthday (last Sunday), I was outside with my dad as he did yard work. We had an interesting life conversation and I seriously love having those times with him. I enjoy just being able to talk to him alone about life and hearing his advice. Even though I disagree with him about a few things and sometimes don't understand him, I still have learned so much from him. We talked about the future, relationships, getting married, being in college, careers, decisions, money, having kids, and about being successful. It makes me extremely happy when he tells me that I'm "100% on the right path" and that he knows I'm going to be succesful in whatever I do.
Sometimes people just say that to make people feel like they can get somewhere in life, but not everyone has the determination to be successful in ANYTHING they do. My dad sees my drive, determination, & positive attitude. He knows that whatever I do and whatever I'm passionate about, I put all my effort into it. I don't give up easily if at all. Another thing is, I feel like he is right about it. I just know that my strength and drive will get me there. Not everyone is as motivated as me, so that's how I know it's so very possible.
I'm a realistic person. I set reasonable, yet challenging goals and I work so hard to do all that I can to meet or exceed those goals. I really will not settle for less when I know I can do so much better and set my expectations for myself so high. I know that my hard work that has made me who I am and where I am will definitely pay off. I honestly just have that gut feeling. I don't see failure as an option for me even if things do ever go sour. I'm on the right path & I just know it.
"If the grapes don't sell, I dry 'em up & sell raisins"--P$C (I'm a King)

I am so thankful for who I am and for the values that I've been taught. It's all going to take me so far. :)

"Ability may get you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there"-John Wooden

"I'm the diamond in the dirt that ain't been found"-50 Cent (Many Men)

find strength in yourself.

This might be a lengthy and somewhat sporadic entry, so if you actually read my blogs and follow the whole thing, then good job! My thoughts usually connect to some other thought, so it might seem like I'm going off on a tangent at times, but it kinda makes sense?!

I wanted to write about strength, a really powerful characteristc. I have had this thing for strength ever since I was younger. I remember people, especially my dad, telling me that I'm so positive and being told I'm strong in various ways. Sometimes I would doubt that trait about me because I can be a cry baby at times, but it's just how I deal with my pain & emotions sometimes. I may cry and be upset about something at the beginning, but I am the type of person who just wants a solution and just wants to move forward in the best way possible. Now, does this mean that those feelings of pain and hurt don't ever creep up on me? No, because they do come up every now and then. There are times that I'm like "What am I going to do?", "I'm stuck", "I wish I had more power to change things", or my ultimate favorite "I just want to give up". But, I seriously have to push through those questions and doubts to tell myself. I know that deep down inside me, I am so much stronger than anyone will ever even know.
I'm not saying that I went through the most difficult, painful events in life, but I've had my share of low points in life. I don't go out putting them on blast and there is still a lot that I just hold inside and try to process on my own. Still, I have had to overcome so many obstacles to become who I am and to get to where I am. Plus, I am still working on getting further and am very determined to be all that I can be.
It's weird because a lot of people seem to find strength in other things or people. They get strength from their role models, mentors, best friends, children, family, psychologist/counselor or religious affiliates/higher power(s). No matter, what you find strength in, it's good that you are able to find it. I guess sometimes people are just brought into something that they are told gives them strength. It's almost expected that you say "I can't imagine my life without my children." It's because you probably learned from society that your children are supposed to be a HUGE focus and determination in your life. Same with religion, if you grow up being told that this is what you should believe, most likely you will find strength in that entity because it's what you're used to. There are probably plenty of reasons as to why people find strength in certain things or people. Then I'm sure others just find strength in certain people or objects for their sanity and because it's what they have been used to for so long, so they don't know any other way.However, I just don't think people realize how hard it can be to go within yourself and find strength within your own self especially when you have to battle your own doubts and fears about life. I could easily say, well my motivation in life is to please this person or entity, so that's where I find my strength to be who I am. Yet, I go deep within and find the courage to lift myself up and find ways I personally can make myself better based on how I, yes I, want to view myself. I don't want to see myself as a failure, or someone who just gets by in life, or someone who has no care in the world, or someone who is extremely rude and selfish. I personally set myself to a higher standard, not because I'm told to and not because I'm afraid of what will happen to me or who will judge me, but because IT'S WHAT IS RIGHT! I find strength in myself to go against the grain and be me instead of being everyone else. 
It's difficult when almost everyone my age has the same viewpoints, interests, beliefts, and lifestyles, when I feel like I don't belong in various ways. I get along with pretty much anyone and I am very friendly to people, but that doesn't necessarily mean I fit in. I don't feel like I belong, but instead of being weak and changing who I am, I find strength in myself to continue to be who I am because that's what is right. Although I do have specific people in my life that set high standards for me, I don't live my life to please their plans for me. Those expectations are important to me, because I want to make those people proud since I appreciate them. BUT I also have set my standards high for myself and I care more that I live up to my standards of myself because in reality they actually might be even higher than what others expect of me.
I've had some serious breakthroughs lately and I have been so surprised with myself. Like I've mentioned before, I sometimes do not know how I even made it to where I am. I always knew I had that strength and positive attitude within me, but I'm still shocked at times.

To be honest, if you are going to judge me based on how I live my life or how I do not do the same things everyone else my age does, or how I do not have the same beliefs of practically everyone, then that's truly your loss. Anyone who truly knows me knows I am NOT a conceited or arrogant person at all, so don't see that as a arrogant statement. I know how I am as a person. I trust who I am as a person. I know that I am worthy. I know that I do my share of good in the world/community without expecting anything in return. I know I'm an extremely genuine person. I know my determination will get me far. So, if you want to pass judgement or drop me from your life, that's truly your loss.

part of the 2.1%

I find it odd that sometimes it's easier to talk to people you hardly know about personal stuff compared to people you're close with. I suppose that's because you don't want them judge you or have a bias, but it's still very odd. A few friends and family have been there fore me, but there's someone who I've met recently (this past Summer) that has been a big help for me through some tough issues. It's really a compliment when someone older than me can say they have a lot of admiration for me especially for me being the way I am at the young age of 21. I'm glad someone out there realizes my maturity and the goodness in my personality. I find it somewhat sad that the person who realizes this is someone I've met recently, but it's also good because it makes me see that there are other people that are similar to me. Even if it's only 2.1% of the U.S. population. I don't think people realize how difficult it is to be the minority when it comes to personality types. Everyone is so much alike and it's so easy for them to get along with others, but then there's the 2.1% that see and think things differently. If you could just be in my place, have my experiences, and know my everyday thoughts, then you would see how complicated things are.

That leads me to thinking...

I just can't believe how strong I am. Stronger than I ever realized I could be. When I look back at some events in my life, I honestly have no idea how I kept it moving. I don't know how I didn't stop doing what I needed to do in order to do well in school, work, and everything else on my plate. I don't know how I was able to still be an overload student and get a 4.0 GPA. I don't know how I was still able to give so much of myself, time, and effort when I felt like I was losing a grip of my own self. I don't know how I was able to still smile, laugh, and keep positive around other people to the point that they would never have even guessed what was going on with me. I don't know how I didn't just give up on all my efforts and duties. I'm not the one to make excuses, so I just continued on and did all that I could to keep pushing forward. I don't know what came over me or who I was during those points in my life, but it was almost superhuman. I still am struggling, but luckily I am making through. Some days are tougher than others, but that's just how it is I suppose. 

That's why I know I'm really strong. I may have a lot of emotions, and that's okay. I'm human. But, I had to face my feelings and hurt. I didn't just runaway like some people do. I'm here on the other end having to deal with these internal issues on my own on a daily basis. While others can just back out, runaway, do them, and move on in life like nothing happened. 

You may appear to be strong when you do stuff like that, when you don't show emotion and face your issues, but you're not. In some cases it's actually pretty cowardly.
So, for all the times I was called "weak" for crying or being upset about something, at least I was strong enough to deal with those issues ON MY OWN pretty much. 

This post was somewhat random, but I have about 1.2 million thoughts running through my mind that I'm just trying to make sense of...

will power

Today I was thinking about how almost anything really is possible if you have enough will power. And I'm talking about legit and realistic things, not magical wishes. For example, someone who lives on the street begging for money probably could get somewhere further in life. In fact, it's happened before. Just look at Chris Gardner (Pursuit of Happyness is based on his life struggles to get to where his is today). He had enough will power to keep trying even though he got knocked down so many times. I'm sure that is extremely difficult and I could never imagine, but I know for sure that I would NEVER sit around asking people for money on a corner somewhere in the city. Do something about it. It's possible, so have the will power!

This might seem random, but another example is ADD/ADHD and the over diagnosis of this "disorder". You know what? Everyone is a little bit spacy at times; everyone has those moments where they can't concentrate on anything. Does that make he/she ADD/ADHD? Nope! Everyone has the ability to lose focus and to have focus, but it's whether or not you have the self control to pick the focused path. Obviously if you take a medication that is supposed to help you focus, then you should probably be focused. But then you're relying on something and that's a weakness in all honesty. If ANYONE took that medication it probably should help them focus because that's the sole purpose of that medication. If we all wanted to get everything done without any distractions or loss of concentration, we would all just stay on medication so we would never face those concentration issues. It's the same thing for a head ache. Just because someone has a head ache and a pain killer such as Advil or Tylenol might help, it doesn't mean it should be taken all the time.

What I'm trying to get at is bigger than this whole medication ordeal. I just wanted to make a comparison. People rely on and depend upon certain crutches too much in life. People get so dependent on certain things that it makes them so weak. People have no will power to just try to make it through something or force themself to have self control. I can never understand people who say "I have to have my caffeine or I can't function" or "I know I should exercise and eat healthier, but I don't feel like it". Well then, since you lack will power, you will get the results that come from those behaviors. Those are just stubborn mindsets in my opinion.Then people also feel that they can blame any of their issues on those "weak" traits. This one is really bothersome, "Fast food resturants should be sued for making me fat"!
That's pure ignorance. The majority of us have the ability to make decisions by a certain point in our life. We have the ability to seek knowledge, to question (even question authority), and to decide on our own what we will and will not do.

So the question isn't "Can you do it?", it's "Are you WILLING to do it?"

"You cannot change what's over. But only where you go...

...one way leads to diamonds."

This quote comes from Enya's song "Pilgrim". It is one of the most inspiring songs. I really relate to Enya's songs and use them for inspiration even though they sound a bit sad. Anyway,  I particularly relate to this one because she talks about "your journey" in life. She's right when she says "you cannot change what's over, but only where you go" and although that's true, it's somewhat sad. I get all teary-eyed just hearing these lyrics because I feel like it describes how I feel exactly. Just like a pilgrim, I just want to know answers. I just want to find a path that will lead me to diamonds (metaphorically).
I know where I'm going in some aspects of my life, but it really scares me to be unsure about other journies in my life. It's weird how you can go from never worrying about something particular in the future and now that's you're main worry once things fall apart. It's like having your legs going out from underneath you, losing your strength and support. That strong foundation you once felt has now shattered to pieces. It's just very weird to go from two very different extremes, just as it would be a shock for your body to jump into freezing water just after getting out of hot tub.
It's so hard to let go of the past especially when you connected so much of that past to your future. I'm just in this limbo space of "the present". So I'm trying to take Enya's words to heart since I can't magically go back in time. I just have to keep going from here...on my journey. 


Pilgrim, how you journey
On the road you chose
To find out why the winds die
And where the stories go.
All days come from one day
That much you must know,
You cannot change what's over
But only where you go.
One way leads to diamonds,
One way leads to gold,
Another leads you only
To everything you're told.
In your heart you wonder
Which of these is true;
The road that leads to nowhere,
The road that leads to you.
Will you find the answer
In all you say and do?
Will you find the answer
In you?
Each heart is a pilgrim,
Each one wants to know
The reason why the winds die
And where the stories go.
Pilgrim, in your journey
You may travel far,
For pilgrim it's a long way
To find out who you are...
Pilgrim, it's a long way
To find out who you are...
Pilgrim, it's a long way
To find out who you are...

Do you listen to Jiminy Cricket?

Remember Jiminy Cricket from "Pinocchio"? He served as a personified version of  Pinocchio's conscience. Now I know some people have a little Jiminy Cricket in their mind or on their shoulder telling them what is right and wrong, but I feel as if a LOT of people seem to have lost Jiminy Cricket in their life or maybe they never even had him to begin with. I don't see how people can go on living knowing that they did wrong things and be okay with it. Maybe they just push it so far out of their mind to the point that it magically doesn't exist if they don't face what they did. 
And what's even worse is that some people want others to make it easy on them so that they don't feel guilty when they are the one who did the bad thing. Like don't tell me to avoid or ignore something that you clearly did just so you don't feel guilty. Not quite sure how you can live with yourself because I know I wouldn't be able to. Maybe I'm too nice. In fact I probably am too nice for people in this world, but since when did being nice become a weakness? Why do people want to take advantage of someone so giving & always willing to be there UNCONDITIONALLY?????

Sometimes I think it would just be an easier life if I was just mean & acted like everyone else not caring if I hurt someone or not. It just hurts to always care so much, but get let down so many times. Obviously I'm not going to be like that toward people because that's not who I am, but don't be surprised if I surround myself with 50 foot thick steel walls because of all you people who have made me so calloused. So blame the ruiner, NOT the ruined please!
Good luck with pushing things aside & avoiding the truth because you're too weak to actually listen for Jiminy Cricket's voice.