It's just not who I am.

This whole trip out of the country has had me deeply thinking about one specific topic even more than I usually do. That topic is how I don't fit in. I appreciate parts of my culture and I know that will always be a part of me. I will always be diverse and have some traits that I got from that culture, but I feel like people want me to be something I'm not nor will ever be. It really makes me upset because I shouldn't have to conform to make everyone else happy especially if I'm not doing anything wrong. (Well in their eyes maybe I am since they want me to be this ideal person they picture me as). I've heard people say how if interracial couples have children, then the mixed children will have a hard time identifying with their race. Well I think it's more difficult if you are a part of pretty much opposite cultures. I don't think my sister or I have to choose which culture we identify with because I pick up something from each. However, my PERSONAL lifestyle is leaning more towards American with different aspects of Iranian. 

I just get really frustrated because I think a majority of my family (not all, so please don't get offended if you're reading this and you are a part of my family) doesn't TRULY know who I am and if they did would they want to know that side of me? Trust me, I am not some crazy, party rebel girl, but I just don't think they know my interests and what really makes me happy.

Just seeing what they really enjoy and what they think is great and what they expect is absolutely overwhelming. A lot of this is NOT me, but I feel like it's expected of me just because I was born a part of this culture.

I'm not fancy china dishes at every meal. I'm not forcing people to eat & eat & eat when they are full. I'm not uptight and running all over the place. I'm not a boring and extra fancy wedding in which the bride and groom don't smile EVER. I'm not the cat-like dance moves. I am not the 10 chandeliers in the house. I am not the put 2 pounds of food on my plate even though I'm 22 and can serve myself. I am not the "I care about what everyone else thinks, so I must look fancy" attitude. I am not the non-smiling face in a photograph. I am not the extra social extrovert. I am not the girl who is supposed to marry who my parents want because I should want to make them happy. I am not rice with every meal. I am not the super fancy & uncomfortable curtains, drapes, rugs, and bedding. I am not "you gotta believe in God". I am not the feta cheese & butter on bread for breakfast every morning. I am not the music with the same male and female voices that just sound like they are yelling. I am not the talk that always sounds angry and like an argument. I am not the woman expected to just clean up after everyone while the guys just get to sit around every single time. I am not my parents planning my whole wedding.

This is not me, but I feel like it's almost forced upon me like I'm supposed to conform to that just because part of my culture does that. I don't do everything from either culture. There's things I despise from the American culture like eating out at fast food restaurants continuously and the gluttony.

I am humorous. I am fun. I am laid back, but organized. I am a volunteer that thinks of the environment and about animals constantly. I am loud rap music in my car. I am contemporary designs. I am grilling food by the pool. I am cooking healthy vegetarian meals. I am the bright colors. I am the smiling person in a photograph. I am open-minded. I am diversity. I am zumba dance moves. I am make people feel comfortable, but not being pushy. I am sleepovers with friends even if I'm 22. I am making jokes and being random. I am feeding stray cats. I am pancakes or french toast for breakfast. I am sitting outside on the porch eating dinner while watching Fantasy Factory. I am Redbox movies with my sister. I am fart noises with my mouth & ugly faces. I am the screaming fan at a baseball or basketball game. I am the individual hello and goodbye to my pets each time I leave for a while because they mean so much to me. I am the think about others mindset. I am the go out to Taco Bell at 1 AM blasting music & singing. I am conspiracy theories. I am thinking outside the box.  

That's just part of who I am.

I've just been feeling really out of place and that my true personality and interests might not be what is expected of me, but that's the key word...ME. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not a terrible person. In fact I think I'm genuinely a good person. 

It's been causing me a lot of anxiety and I'm not sure how it's going to be as I grow older.