& really i think i like who i'm becoming.

Do you ever look back to reflect upon yourself and how you have changed? I feel that not many people take the time to realize how they've changed, because it kind of just happens with time. It's just a given that everyone changes. When you're younger, you plan out like your whole life...I'm going to have this career, live there, be married by this age, and have kids by this age. And as you grow up you realize that's not reality. It's nice to have an idea of where you're going and where you want to go in life, but having every single detail planned especially according to time just isn't realistic. Of course, it takes time to realize that. If you would've asked me 5 years ago about where I would see myself now at the age of almost 23 (woah! sounds SO weird), I definitely wouldn't have imagined this at all (for the most part at least). Sometimes that can be overwhelming to accept, but lately I've found myself okay with things "going with the flow". I've finally realized that I can't control ever aspect in my life as much as want to. I can't control others' actions and feelings. I can't control time or some events in life. However, I can control how I handle those events and my own thoughts/feelings. I can either A) choose to let it get me down, frustrate me, and stop me or B) accept it, even if I don't like it, and keep going. Choice B might take more strength and be more difficult, however it'll lead to a more positive/healthy life. 
I guess it's easy for me to reflect on my past self compared to my current self because I've kept personal summer journals (not a blog, a private hand-written journal) since I was 15. Sometimes I read them and I think, "What the hell was I thinking?" It's somewhat funny, but I suppose it's all a learning process and helped me grow to where I am now and much more importantly where I'm going because there's always room for personal growth. With this whole Facebook Timeline thing I have been able to go look at old posts. I was so angry and shut down a few years ago. Now, I'm totally different. I've almost always been positive about most things in life, but people and situations made me fume with anger. It was stupid now that I think about it. Why was I like that?! I still hold in a lot of anger at times, but I've done so much better with letting it go and moving on. Sometimes the emotion of anger is not worth it. I've said before how my strength during some situations in my life has really surprised me, but I also surprise myself with my attitude and how I handle things now. 

I used to feel so afraid and like I had absolutely no control over anything in my life. That if things didn't go as I had wanted or planned, then life was basically pointless. I just see things so much differently now. At the end of the day, if things don't go as planned, bad events occur, or people I really care about/love let me down, then I still and always will have myself. I've realized, that's enough. Some people can't even say they have that or never will be able to say they have that, so that makes me feel content. 
I will still get upset, angry, hurt, or frustrated every now and then because I am human, but I now see it's okay and it'll be okay. 
It's very reassuring to be able to rely on yourself.

"Really, I think I like who I'm becoming."

honesty.

I feel that honesty or lack thereof has been a reoccurring issue. I guess everyone finds it so difficult to be honest. But I wish people could just be honest with me, even if it's something that may bother me or upsets me...I'd much rather have the truth. If I could be, I would be completely open and honest with everyone. However, I feel that people get so easily offended and take things the wrong way so it's almost impossible. For me on the other hand, I'd much rather prefer someone to approach me about something they feel, think, believe, etc. If I do something wrong at work, if I offend someone by what I say, if I hurt someone's feelings, if I'm not doing something correctly, if I annoy you, or if something is wrong, then just tell me. As long as you say it in a kind and polite manner, then please tell me! I'd much rather know what the deal is so I can correct it. How can I become a better person with work, relationships, friendships, etc if no one is ever honest with me? That's why I always tell people to be honest with me. That's why I always ask people, "does that offend you?", "did I do that right?", "is everything okay?" I don't just ask those questions just to ask. I truly mean it and I want an HONEST answer. You could hate everything I do and yea it might suck to hear that, but if you at least say it in a mature and polite way, then that's fine. Thanks for being honest. And I really DON'T want to hear something a year later or even a few weeks later. You better tell me how you feel the moment you feel it, because I don't do that whole, "oh yea I was mad a few weeks ago because..." or "I started feeling this way about a year ago..." (like what the hell is that anyway?!) especially if I constantly ask people to be honest with me. That will surely piss me off. Everyone knows I hardly get mad at people and I can contain myself pretty well, but I can only be pushed so far...

I'm tired of people lying to me. I've caught your lies. I'm not an idiot, just so you know. I play like I don't know what's going on, but I know. Trust me, just because I'm quiet and civil, doesn't mean I don't have thoughts. In fact because I am quiet and so observant, I am able to notice all these petty little things. I'm tired of stories being made up. I'm tired of people avoiding things because they can't brave up and be honest. I'm tired of damn excuses. I'm tired of people doing this crap and acting like everything is peachy keen. It's not. It's NOT okay for you to treat someone like myself this way. I'm tired of people taking advantage of my selfless personality. It's a shame on you. I'm tired of people not just coming to me and talking things out with me. Is it that hard?
I swear some people are lucky I'm still in their lives and still kind to them. I question if some people even deserve it. One day when everyone else screws you over, I might not be around and then you'll realize it.

It's not me; it's you.

I go through these stages where I think, "Is it me? Is there something I'm doing wrong? What's wrong with me? Am I not worthy enough?". And honestly, those thoughts are kind of painful. I'm starting to come to the realization though, that it's not me. I'm not saying that everything I do is perfect and that nothing about me needs to change, but I do not think I am really and truly the problem. 

It's just extremely difficult to grasp why people find it okay to be hurtful to others especially when those others are good people. How do you find that acceptable? How do you live with yourself knowing thinking that is okay? 

I've always been a giving person. It's who I am. It's in my blood. It's one of the traits I really like about myself because it truly shows how selfless I typically am. I guess people take advantage of that. I guess people think it's okay to walk over the "nice guy". When I would talk to others about being giving and people not appreciating it as much as they should, they would wonder why I am this way. They'd be like "Why don't you ask him to pay you back?" or "You should confront her about it". 

My response to all that is, if you can truly live with yourself knowing that you treat genuinely kind people in this manner, then that just shows how you are as a person. I'll have my pride and dignity knowing that I was the true person who loved unconditionally and who really meant what I said. While you on the other hand have some MUCH larger issues to deal with.

So instead of me thinking of all the things that could be wrong with me in order for people to be so inconsiderate to me, I have finally noticed that the problem might just be within those certain people. 

I just have to let go because obviously you did a long time ago.  

why do i care so much?

I go through random moments where I question myself. I think, "why in the world do I care so much about others when I also have such a negative view on humanity in general?" One big reason I truly love animals over anything in this world is because humans are very messed up in my opinion. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions and says, "Well that's stupid, because you're a human!", get this... I know that I am human and like everyone else; I make mistakes. I don't believe that every human is inadvertently evil and hateful, but the majority of humans are. I have seen and felt it myself. I've seen people be so hurtful to others that it's unbelievable. It's as if people get enjoyment out of pushing others so far down. Even I, the person who basically is a pessimist about society and dislikes a majority of humans, have one of the kindest hearts to pretty much ANYONE I come in contact with. 

So I get confused as to why I'm like this. Why do I even care to be so friendly, helpful, and even give people the benefit of the doubt when I know most likely that person wouldn't do half the stuff I'd do for them? I think one way I've answered that question is by realizing that I still have a very small, yet strong bit of hope left in me. (I know that sounded like a contradiction!) I think maybe, just maybe my selflessness, kindness, and caring attitude will be contagious. Maybe that one person who I helped out or smiled at or complimented or went out of my way for will be inspired to do the same for someone else. Maybe some bit of frustration, hatred, and rudeness will dissipate because I did something they did not expect just out of the kindness of my heart. I really don't expect to be honored or gratified, although a simple "thank you" would be nice at times. Believe it or not, the amount of people (including "grown men") can't even say "thanks" while I'm waiting a long time to hold the door for them. 

This is exactly why I am OVERLY appreciative and surprised when people do nice things especially strangers. It's sad that it's a surprise when people do good things. It shouldn't be, yet so many people in this world are selfish. I am constantly thinking of others who I've never even met. And no, it's not me just laying in bed at night saying, "Oh I feel bad for the children in Africa, I pray they will be okay." I'm always thinking about what I can I do for this particular group or for this person or I imagine how happy someone would be for doing an act of kindness. Just thinking about that and their appreciation makes me happy.

And although animals can't actually say "thank you", I can tell that they appreciate the attention, care, and love they get from me. Some people will never, ever understand that and that's too bad for you. However, I have and always will feel this connection and appreciation from them. So this is why I like them so much more than humans. Humans, on the other hand, are a whole other story when it comes to appreciation or kindness.

And you know what, it's so hard to be an overly caring person in such a society that has so many hateful and cruel people. It's not that it's difficult to possess those traits (I don't think it's hard to be a genuinely good person), but I think it's hard on people who are overly caring when they realize how many times humanity lets them down. It almost gets to the point of saying "why should I care anymore?" It takes so much strength to realize you can't expect everyone to be like you and that even though you remember someone's birthday or you go out of your way to help someone out, that the chances of them appreciating you like you would appreciate them are very slim. 

It's a sad reality I come across way too many times, but for now I'll continue to be how I am because that's exactly how I think I should be.

old poetry.

So I came across some old poetry I wrote a few years ago, that I actually like. It's odd to think that I wrote something that I actually like from so long ago, because usually I look back at things and I'm like "what was I thinking?" So thought I'd share a few!

Ignorance in You

In the darkness lurks ignorance

Hidden in the silence of the soul

Eyes shut and closed minds

With no care to surroundings

Truth is pushed to the side

All that is noticed now are lies

What they see is what they believe

Without really looking into things

Walls are put up for protection

Protection of something harmless

When acceptance diminishes, 

What will be left but your ignorance?

Unknown Feelings

Dear beautiful one, don't start to cry
Please don't flood your beautiful eyes
Wipe away your saddened tears
And let your gorgeous smile appear
Your heart is fragile, I can tell
Inside you feel like your in hell
From this world, you want to hide
Deep down you have no spec of pride
How is it I know what you feel?
These words may seem so unreal
I know because I feel too
These feelings no one ever knew

Summer Memories

Waking up in the exhilarating sunlight
Smiles that could make the corrupt world so right
The crisp calm air after a breathtaking sunrise
Converting to temperatures of sweat and blue skies
Laughing hysterically with the best of friends
Wishing that the summer season would never end
Night appears, nature is tranquil again
Time to reminisce on way back when
The dreams, the adventures, the pleasure
In the end just left with memories of leisure
It is impossible to disregard these recollections
Because they are the days that taught us true affection

**All 3 poems are originally written by me.** LK

So, tell me what you think! :)

It's just not who I am.

This whole trip out of the country has had me deeply thinking about one specific topic even more than I usually do. That topic is how I don't fit in. I appreciate parts of my culture and I know that will always be a part of me. I will always be diverse and have some traits that I got from that culture, but I feel like people want me to be something I'm not nor will ever be. It really makes me upset because I shouldn't have to conform to make everyone else happy especially if I'm not doing anything wrong. (Well in their eyes maybe I am since they want me to be this ideal person they picture me as). I've heard people say how if interracial couples have children, then the mixed children will have a hard time identifying with their race. Well I think it's more difficult if you are a part of pretty much opposite cultures. I don't think my sister or I have to choose which culture we identify with because I pick up something from each. However, my PERSONAL lifestyle is leaning more towards American with different aspects of Iranian. 

I just get really frustrated because I think a majority of my family (not all, so please don't get offended if you're reading this and you are a part of my family) doesn't TRULY know who I am and if they did would they want to know that side of me? Trust me, I am not some crazy, party rebel girl, but I just don't think they know my interests and what really makes me happy.

Just seeing what they really enjoy and what they think is great and what they expect is absolutely overwhelming. A lot of this is NOT me, but I feel like it's expected of me just because I was born a part of this culture.

I'm not fancy china dishes at every meal. I'm not forcing people to eat & eat & eat when they are full. I'm not uptight and running all over the place. I'm not a boring and extra fancy wedding in which the bride and groom don't smile EVER. I'm not the cat-like dance moves. I am not the 10 chandeliers in the house. I am not the put 2 pounds of food on my plate even though I'm 22 and can serve myself. I am not the "I care about what everyone else thinks, so I must look fancy" attitude. I am not the non-smiling face in a photograph. I am not the extra social extrovert. I am not the girl who is supposed to marry who my parents want because I should want to make them happy. I am not rice with every meal. I am not the super fancy & uncomfortable curtains, drapes, rugs, and bedding. I am not "you gotta believe in God". I am not the feta cheese & butter on bread for breakfast every morning. I am not the music with the same male and female voices that just sound like they are yelling. I am not the talk that always sounds angry and like an argument. I am not the woman expected to just clean up after everyone while the guys just get to sit around every single time. I am not my parents planning my whole wedding.

This is not me, but I feel like it's almost forced upon me like I'm supposed to conform to that just because part of my culture does that. I don't do everything from either culture. There's things I despise from the American culture like eating out at fast food restaurants continuously and the gluttony.

I am humorous. I am fun. I am laid back, but organized. I am a volunteer that thinks of the environment and about animals constantly. I am loud rap music in my car. I am contemporary designs. I am grilling food by the pool. I am cooking healthy vegetarian meals. I am the bright colors. I am the smiling person in a photograph. I am open-minded. I am diversity. I am zumba dance moves. I am make people feel comfortable, but not being pushy. I am sleepovers with friends even if I'm 22. I am making jokes and being random. I am feeding stray cats. I am pancakes or french toast for breakfast. I am sitting outside on the porch eating dinner while watching Fantasy Factory. I am Redbox movies with my sister. I am fart noises with my mouth & ugly faces. I am the screaming fan at a baseball or basketball game. I am the individual hello and goodbye to my pets each time I leave for a while because they mean so much to me. I am the think about others mindset. I am the go out to Taco Bell at 1 AM blasting music & singing. I am conspiracy theories. I am thinking outside the box.  

That's just part of who I am.

I've just been feeling really out of place and that my true personality and interests might not be what is expected of me, but that's the key word...ME. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not a terrible person. In fact I think I'm genuinely a good person. 

It's been causing me a lot of anxiety and I'm not sure how it's going to be as I grow older.

scrambled thoughts.

Scrambled thoughts seem to be a common issue for me. There's so much I have in my mind, so much I wish I could say, so much I wish I could understand and make others understand, and so on. I honestly don't know if much of this post will make sense to anyone because yet again it's just about my scrambled thoughts. I just feel like I need to let them out. So here are my thoughts that are consuming me at the moment...

-I surprise myself with this hypocritical feeling, but I generally do not like humans/people, but I'm too good and too nice to people (even people I'm hardly close to). Why?! Some people might call that fake, but it's not. I am genuinely a kind & caring person, but I think even though I don't like most people, I still feel like if I have a good heart towards them, then it'll be contagious. Like somehow those people will see my goodness and be inspired by it or appreciate it. I've come to realize it doesn't work that way. I need to expect less or nothing from people whether they are close to me or not. It's that sad truth  Unfortunately not many people truly know how I am and what I can be except for my sister. People will say I'm nice, but they don't know the extent and/or don't care. 

I know this is weird, but even if you're confident in yourself and about who you are as a person, it starts to make you wonder "what's wrong with me?" when other people don't acknowledge you/your efforts. :/

-Life is just confusing. I feel like we just chase our so called "dreams" if we even know what they are or if those are even realistic dreams. Sometimes the purpose is difficult to find when you are looking through a muddy lens. I try to not see things in that way because I am a positive person, but sometimes things just don't make sense.

-I am tired of this damn empty and incomplete feeling that goes away for some bit, but consumes me for a few hours here and there. I try so hard to fight it back, but it's just difficult in some situations. I get to thinking and I get this empty feeling. I'm okay, I just wish I could avoid that feeling all the time.

-I HATE feeling stuck and that's exactly what I feel now. 

-I would like to have new friends in the Gwinnett area since I won't be out in Carrollton at college anymore. I don't know how I'm going to survive in this house without my sister when she goes back to college in August. Then again, I don't think I'm the greatest at making new friends even though I think I'm a great & loyal friend...

-Money causes me stress. To be honest, right now money could by me happiness because I wouldn't feel stuck in a lot of the situations I'm facing.

-I need to read The 50th Law some more. It's really motivating and straight forward. However, I just have to put it into affect which is the challenging part. 

That's it for now.