not a cookie cutter girl.

A lot of times in my life I have felt VERY out of place. It's a continual feeling I am overwhelmed with. I am so grateful for who I am and that's partially due to the way I was raised and my parents. However, there is something about myself and my sister that sets us apart definitely from people in our age range, but also from just people in general. Maybe this is the reason why I am the nicest person to pretty much everyone and am so willing to help others out, yet I hardly have any friends. I've been used to this though ever since about middle school. I am not some awkwardly social or extremely unfriendly, rude, and careless person. I don't know what exactly it is about my sister and I that makes us so different. Well I could list off the aspects that make us different, but I don't completely know why. I honestly feel like I'm not from this place at times, as crazy as that may sound I feel it's true. I feel a huge disconnect from everyone else. Everyone seems to have the same lifestyles, same beliefs, same type of friends, same personalities, same habits, same addictions, and even the same paths that they follow.

Over the past few years especially more so recently, I have really thought about all this. It's like society creates this idea of how we should be in life. Girls should want to be married with children by mid-twenties, taking care of a husband, cleaning the house, hardly making any money or just being a stay at home mom because "you've got a man you can depend on financially & emotionally" (until  he cheats on you or you divorce), get nails & hair done at least 2 times a month, have lots of shopping trips so you can buy the most up to date trending items out there, and so on. It's like it's supposed to be a destiny for all girls/women to want to have children and feel like that's their "duty in life". They are expected to desire and love those children before they are even born. Now, I'm not saying I wouldn't be a great parent because I know for sure I would be. Like I said, I am very loving and take care of people I am hardly close to, so imagine how I am with those who I am close with. I would do EVERYTHING in my capability to give my child/children the best and most stable life possible. Yet, I hardly have the desire to have children. Is that a problem because I'm a girl? When most women look at pictures of babies or talk about their future wedding plans they get so excited or "ooh" and "ahh". I'm more like "ehh whatever cool". Leila and I have talked about this before and about why we are like that. We aren't really sure why, but it's just how we feel. We are young for crying out loud, why should that be our focus anyway?

Do I need to be this cookie cutter way to have a complete and fulfilling life? Do I need to have a extreme desire to want that life?

I'm just tired of girls being pitiful, weak, dependent (especially just on a man) and cookie cutter like because then there are girls like me who don't fit that at all in my opinion. 

One BIG example I hate is when girls complain (not going to use the original word that came to my mind) about how "guys should pay for everything on a date". Ok really?! I think things should be done equally in a relationship. Here's an idea, perhaps try alternating who pays on a date! I also hate when men & women do different "gendered" tasks such as women clean the house, take care of kids, and cook dinner while men just do yard work and make the majority of money for the family. Another thing that I think should be done equally and in an alternating manner or even done together. Is that too crazy of an idea?

I've said this before, but my main goal in life is to be COMPLETELY dependent upon myself in all ways of life. I want to have people there for me if I do ever need them (like my family), but I want to achieve that. My accomplishments in life will mean so much more when I can look back and say "Look what I did!" (key word 'I'). 

I don't need someone to help me unpack at my apartment, I don't need someone to open the car door for me, I don't need someone to walk me back to my place, I don't need someone to pay for me. I appreciate your concern, but I GOT IT!

So to sum this rant all up, I just think in the end it feels so much better if you can reflect upon yourself and your actions and be proud of what YOU did and what YOU accomplished and who YOU truly are.

Depend on Yourself.

Lately I've been thinking of how a lot of people in my age range are very dependent upon others. I am not just saying money wise, but with making decisions in their life. I then came across this video of a YouTube blogger that I love and I think what she said was perfect! Here's the video for anyone who wants to watch.



Thinking of all this and watching this video made me really realize what one of my biggest goals in life is and that is to be as dependent upon myself as possible. I remember my dad saying a few years ago "Never depend on a guy." He told me to always make sure I was stable and had my own career, so that if one day he left I wouldn't have to worry about where I stand. Well guess what? That's what I plan on doing. As nice as it sounds to have someone make all the money and me just sit around, it's not something I'm ever comfortable with. In fact, I would rather be the more stable one in a relationship or in my family. Even when I did group projects throughout school I volunteered to do the majority of the work. Why? Because I knew I would get stuff done and make sure it was good quality. How can I be let down by the results if I am the one in control of the results? You see, people let you down. People will ALWAYS let you down. Your classmates, co-workers, society, accquantinces, friends, significant others, and family will let you down probably more than once. That's just how it goes. Now, you might let yourself down sometimes as well. For example, if you did badly on a test and you know it's because you kind of blew off studying and you know you could have done better if you actually studied. In that case, you let yourself down, BUT at least you were in control. You could have changed that result, you just chose not to by not studying. However, if you put your all into a relationship or friendship and then you depend upon that particular person to be reliable since you always are reliable to them and that person lets you down even with all your efforts, then you are in a situation that you have no control over. You did your part in the relationship or friendship and met the expectations of that friend...that was all that was pretty much in your control. Yet, they still let you down since you didn't have control.

See how being independent doesn't even have to relate with money somtimes?

I honestly can say "I TRUST ME." There are a few people I trust with certain things, but I completely trust and depend upon myself.

Now, in no way am I saying that we should throw all people out of our life and just live on our own. It's good to have friends and family that you know will support you, be there for you if you need someone to talk to, create memtories with, or make you laugh.

I never, ever was the type of girl that wanted to depend upon a guy (financially), in fact I am the type to say "No, you don't have to buy me that" or would be the girl that would get upset if a guy bought me a really expensive purse or something. It's just not my thing to be honest. And if I (did)/do ever get treated that way, I am EXTREMELY appreciative.

However, I feel like I did somewhat rely on a relationship for emotional stability and happiness. I remember I used to think well if I ever feel insecure or not confident around a bunch of people I can just remember I have someone at the end of the day. I thought that a significant other could kind of bring me strength and make me feel more confident and less self conscious about everything. So in that sense, I was dependent because I guess that's what you do when you are in a relationship & love someone. Not saying that it's all bad, but I think now I realize it's better to first be dependent upon yourself for emotional strength before relying on someone else. Because, yet again, that person might not always be there and when they are gone I can promise you it's a serious struggle to pick yourself up after being shattered to pieces. I know that I will always be with myself. I will always have my mind, my values, my respect for myself, and my thoughts.

I used to worry (and sometimes still do) about when I would get married and have kids and how I was going to find this "right" person, and how would I not be hurt? Now, I'm kind of just like "go with the flow".Does it really suck to be alone sometimes? YES!! I'm not going to lie! I'm just good with where I am going personally. I've got plans for myself and there is no one that can let me down because I'm not depending on anyone else for my happiness.

 Like I said, I am going to work to become as dependent upon myself as I can. I've talked about emotionally, but now to the financially part. It takes some time since I need a legit career before I can move out for real and pay for everything on my own and do everything on my own. I think I'm off to a really good start though. I'm so grateful for being the raised way I was/am. I know that at any moment I could ask my parents for anything and they would try their best to supply it to myself or my sister. Yet, we always try to pay for our stuff. We pay for our doctor appointments, our contact lenses, our pets (vet & food), our gas, our own products, groceries at school, our clothes, car registration & emissions, our school books, our credit card bills and definitely any luxury items. The only things we don't pay for is our car insurance, cell phone bill, and rent while living at my dad's. There have been plenty of times that I've offered my dad money for my car insurance or to help him out in any way possible. Plus, both my parents  know how grateful my sister and I. We always say how we are going to pay them back when we graduate and have a career and I seriously will. I tell my dad that my first real paycheck is going to him. It's great knowing that I can rely on my parents for help, but I would prefer not to! 

I hear some people my age and even older that still rely HEAVILY on their parents. Their parents still do their laundry, always cook for them, tell them when they need to do certain things, what decisions to make in life, what classes they need to register for, etc. It's just really odd and it's NOT cute, especially if you're a guy. Some people have never had their own job or made their own money. Why would you want to live a life like that? I just can't imagine that. Working has taught me so many values and the value of money.  It's SO much more rewarding when you work hard and earn your money to achieve the things you need/want at the end of the day.

I love the values I was taught and brought up with. I love where it is taking me in life. I love who I am becomming. I love that I am dependent upon myself and I can't wait until the day that I am fully dependent upon myself! :)

Well, that was a really long entry, so if you actually read this...thanks! I just needed to get it written down because it's been on my mind a lot lately!