"Everything Changes and Nothing Stands Still."

       When I feel lost or down, I tend to try to refocus my energy on something positive. I usually resort to to-do lists or goals or things to look forward to. I'm super type-A so I write multiple lists on a daily basis. Today I decided to use my handy-dandy planner to put down some Spring Break Goals/To-Do's since it's officially only 6 days away! I turned to the March notes section and at the top was the quote by Heraclitus, "Everything changes and nothing stands still." It's not really an in depth quote that requires a lot of interpretation, but it hit me really hard this morning. So, on my work laptop I made a little digital post it note with those exact words. I even looked at it quite a few times today as a reminder. 
         The reason this quote struck a chord with me is because change is a very challenging concept for me unless I am completely up for the change and in control of the change (typically). I mean, I can go down to tiny details like routines, where things are placed, stores I shop at, to the bigger things like memories, details about people/pets that are no longer in my life, feelings,etc. I just have a hard time with letting go because I get so easily attached and comfortable with those sorts of things. I've also seen the quote, "The only thing constant in life is change". I know change is inevitable and I will never be able to control all aspects of my life, but that doesn't make it any easier for me. Now, I will say I have improved over the past few years as I feel like a lot has happened in the last 10 years of my life. I'll be honest, my teens and 20s have been a roller coaster to say the least. I appear to have it all together and in some aspects I seem pretty stable and like I have everything under control, but I don't usually feel that way. I am totally grateful for what I have in my life and the aspects I have been able to control. However, I feel like I can't keep life balanced. I seek stability and it's been a rough road trying to find that. It's as if as soon as my work part of life is in shambles, my personal life flourishes and then when I get a grip on the work part, my personal life crumbles. I have yet to find that stability and unfortunately it's thrown me off track multiple times. I keep having to pick up the pieces and figure everything out again.
        Leila (my sister) has been going to meditation and at the end of class, the monk discusses life with them. She told me that they talked about letting go and how holding on to things ruins relationships and our overall happiness. We take the stresses of work out on our relationships with people and carry it around like a burden. We let negative thoughts consume us, stopping us from being productive, happy beings. I mean I wonder how much time I've lost just thinking or crying or holding on to things that I should let go of and it's like "WOW, I could've had all this positive stuff going on, but I chose to hold on to the pain and negativity."
         So I guess the whole point of this is to say that even though I'm very aware of this, I just need to focus on the aspects I can control...my mind, my reactions, and my choices. Life's fluctuations will come and go in all areas of life, but I need to make the choice to let go, move on, or make choices based on the situation instead of dwelling. It's not easy. Making the choice to turn away from pain, frustration, confusion, anger, and resentment is not easy. Some days I really just want to sleep to avoid it all because that's the easiest and quickest way in the moment. However, that's short term because as soon as I wake up all those horrible feelings hit me again. I need to look at the long term solution and it appears as those sleeping is not going to cut it. 
         So here's to working (EVEN MORE) on accepting change, making choices about what I can control, letting go, and moving on. 

Yes, I volunteered the day of my college graduation...

I think ever since I was a kid, I had a giving and selfless heart. So, it doesn't surprise me that I want to do so much good in this world by volunteering or making a difference. However, I've noticed that so many people seem shocked by the fact that a 25 year old spends most of her time (and a lot of money) on these efforts simply for the reason of "just because." In high school I really started to be interested in service type fields (might explain why I'm a teacher now) and wanted to get volunteer hours. Without having much control over my life in high school due to money, transportation, work, etc. I didn't really get to volunteer like I wanted to. So when I went to college I decided to branch out. I joined an environmental organization called Love Not Litter that cleaned the UWG campus and the streets of Carrollton. I ended up becoming co-president for 2 years and dedicated a LOT of Fridays to cleaning up trash left by inconsiderate others or manning the recycling on campus. I literally had to sort through a bag of messy recyclables (and sometimes trash that was improperly placed) into the different material types without getting stung by a yellow jacket. Then I loaded all of it in my car and took it to the off campus recycling center to properly recycle the items. Was this fun? Typically no, it was not fun. Did I feel it was necessary? YES! People probably thought I was crazy for being this 20 year old taking my time to sort dirty, bug infested recyclables. However, I felt it was something I needed to do because if I didn't do it who would? 

Then my sophomore year I really wanted to start volunteering at an animal shelter. I couldn't bring my pets to my dorm room so that meant I had to leave my babies an hour and a half away at my dad's house. It broke my heart to be away from my childhood pets. So I figured volunteering at the shelter would help fill that void for the time being, plus I could help out animals in need. I did this until I graduated from college. In fact after my morning graduation, before packing up my last bit of stuff and heading home, I went to the shelter and brought along my sister and mom. I spent pretty much every weekend that I was out in Carrollton at the shelter. Sometimes it was just Saturday and sometimes it was both Saturday and Sunday. I would at least be there between 3-8 hours total every weekend. I pretty much became a regular at the shelter. The workers knew me and trusted me to just do my thing while I interacted with the animals. The inmates who are assigned to help at the shelter started to realize I was a regular volunteer. A few of them started to question why I came to the shelter so often. "Do you need hours for college?" was a common question I received. I actually didn't really document the hours at all because I wasn't just volunteering for hours. I would get praise from older volunteers or workers saying, "It's great that you wake up early and come here to help out." I mean think about what the majority of college students are doing on their weekends...partying, sleeping-in, getting into trouble, maybe studying or being productive. That wasn't who I wanted to be and still not who I am to this day.

Which leads me to present time... 

I really missed working with the animals. I felt like again, if I wasn't there socializing the animals, who else would? I almost made it like it was my duty to get out there and make a difference in some way. So, I finally got into volunteering at the Gwinnett shelter last Summer. I've also been involved in a special needs Summer camp (Camp Dream) for 3 Summers as well because that's extremely rewarding too! Then of course, I also foster for a rescue and spend some Sundays at adoption events when my furbabies become adoptable.

So why do I do this? I don't get paid. I don't earn something fun for all these racked up hours. I don't do this for attention or praise. It's not like I was so bored that I had nothing to do. I was an overload student for 2 semesters (21 and 20 credit hours), held a leadership position, had a job, and still made a 4.0 in both of those semesters. With my current job as a teacher, my weekends are literally consumed by lesson plans and catching up with life at home. So I definitely don't have all the time in the world like people might think.

I do this because volunteering is honestly one of my greatest enjoyments in life. Like I said before, I feel like it's my duty. I hear so many people say, "Oh, I couldn't do that; I'd be too sad." Do you think volunteering doesn't ever affect me emotionally or mentally? If so, then you're wrong. I've cried at the shelter, on the way home from the shelter, and at home multiple times. I get so invested in these creatures that it does hurt sometimes. I have even recently gotten to the point of facing some bouts of anxiety before going to the shelter because I know the reality. However, I still force myself to go because I'll feel even worse from the guilt of not going. I have a mindset that this world needs me more than I need it and honestly that's kind of what keeps me going each day. 

I don't want to wake up and feel insignificant as only a taker in this world. I don't want to be selfish and inconsiderate. Although my investment in animals and volunteering might make me different from others my age and sometimes I feel lonely because I don't really fit in with my age group, at least I can go to bed each night feeling good about myself in this world. I did something. I did a lot of things to make a difference.

With all that said, I still don't feel like it's enough in my opinion. People are so shocked by someone my age being so involved, but in my opinion I have to do more. It's actually become my life goal and motivation through hard times. I don't see it as me being a "hero" or such a kind person...I see it as this is how I am supposed to be!

By the way, I don't say any of this to brag or gain gratitude. Volunteering in itself is it's own reward, so I don't need praise or recognition. People just don't seem to understand why I am the way I am, so this kind of breaks it down a bit. 

If you have gone through a rough patch in your life or feel down about yourself/life, I HIGHLY suggest volunteering. It is truly life altering when you know you are making a positive impact in a negative world.

Boys can like Pink too..

This blog post is inspired by my Advisement lesson this morning. Our theme for this week is aggression. I had the students place aggressive acts on a continuum to rate them as low, medium, or high aggression level. Some of the acts included: tripping someone in class, name calling, shoving someone into a wall, etc. As I had countless volunteers come up to place the aggressive acts on the board, I started to realize how many of the examples were placed at the low end when some of those acts were more serious than just a low rating. I then came to the realization that majority of my volunteers were male students. I decided to point this out to the class. It went something like this...

 "I'm not trying to say this to be mean, but it looks like a lot of these acts are placed under low and who has mainly put them there?" 

 "The guys." 

"And majority of people who are in jail or commit crimes are..."

Then I had this whole "ah-ha moment" that brought me back to a course I took my sophomore year of college: Educational Diversity. One time a professor in the Women Studies department did a presentation about gender/sex and society. Society has a set of norms that tell you that someone is either a boy or girl based off of what toys they play with, what colors they like, how emotional they are, their athleticism, their domestic skills, etc. The day that professor came to my class was the day that my mindset changed about all this stuff that everyone else seems to be so stuck on. I don't think parents, teachers, and other adults realize the impact they have on children sometimes. Constantly saying these phrases give kids the impression of how they should or should not be based off of their sex. 

"Don't be a girl. Man up!" ... So that means all girls are weak & being a girl is negative. 

 "Barbies/dolls are for girls," or when they get older, "Playing with dolls is gay." ....So that must mean growing up, having children, and taking care of them is gay too?! Parenting is only for girls?! (Anyways, who cares what someone's preference is!)

"Boys only pick on girls they like"...  So this gives girls the impression that it is desirable to be made fun of, laughed at, teased, and/or even physically harassed (punching, hitting, etc.)

There are so many other things I have heard that bother me because of the connotation it sets for kids at a young age. I know most people don't think anything of it and most likely they don't have to intention for the kids to interpret it incorrectly. However, these kids are sponges. They then take what they have absorbed and as they get older they apply it to situations they are in. So, now I have middle school students who believe these things and say these things that to me just aren't right. Why does someone who is weak have to be called a girl? Why do girls have to be domestic, raise children, cook dinner, clean the house, & depend on a man when it comes to finances? Why do women have to make less than men, so that men don't feel "below us"? Why are women so nurturing, but for men it's not as natural? Do you really think girls are just born with the ability to nurture & care for something? Girls play with baby dolls, they play "mom", & they nurture their baby because they saw their mom doing the same thing. Boys almost never get to explore or experience that at a young age because right away they are told that "dolls are for girls". 

I realize that a lot of people fall under stereo-types and norms which is why they are around. I know plenty of grown girls who rely heavily on their parents or even worse...on a guy for money or emotional support. It's almost expected that girls are dependent. There are some people who get to the point where their expenses are controlled by their spouse/significant other. WHAT?!! You can't control your own expenses? Those girls are the ones that make girls like myself have to feel like we have something to prove to the world. For the longest time, I had the desire to become as completely dependent upon myself as possible. I would say I'm 90% there. I work my butt off in everything that I do & I try to do as much as I can on my own. I'd rather learn how to do something from my dad, then him just do it for me. I am proof that not all girls are weak. I am proof that not all girls have to be in the household only doing domestic things. I cook, I clean, I garden, I paint, I work, I pay the bills, I lift weights, I fix things. I'm crafty. I volunteer. I have emotions.I can open my own door. I can pay for my own stuff. So, what does that mean? Society has pretty much set it so we have to be one way or the other. Dolls or cars. Strong or weak. Pink or blue. 

 

Ctrl+Alt+Delete

A window on your computer says "Not Responding" and you just simply hold those three handy buttons on your keyboard: Ctrl+Alt+Delete. You click "End Task" and poof, the annoying issue is gone just like that.

Sometimes I wish there was a Ctrl+Alt+Delete option for real life. Something's not working right in your life, just "End Task" and open a new window. However, that metaphor could probably realistically be applied to real life. Like "when one door closes, another one opens" type of ordeal. What about thoughts though? I don't think you can simply just get the "End Task" option for thoughts and if you could it definitely would take much more than a few seconds. I swear my mind is on constant overdrive. There's things I think about, dwell upon, and people that constantly cross my mind when I know I probably just need to let those thoughts go. I sit there and analyze everything. I lay in bed at night thinking "what if..." and playing situations out. It's not so easy to just say "Loretta, stop thinking about it". Trust me I've tried.
 
I've always been a fairly quiet person and kept to myself. It's mainly because while everyone else is talking, I'm over here thinking, listening, observing, and taking things in. And although I somewhat like that about me, it's also very exhausting to be someone who constantly is thinking and not just about normal stuff. 

I also just want to go back in time and Ctrl+Alt+Delete certain events, decisions, and people. I obviously know that I can't. The "past is the past" yah-di-yah. I know this and I am seriously trying to get rid of those thoughts. It's been a difficult task, clearly.
It's really starting to drain me. The only time I stop consciously thinking is when I'm asleep which is probably why I long for sleep so much. And it's probably another reason why I HAVE to keep busy at all times. I have to be working out, doing work, cleaning, etc. so I don't have time to think. That's the only way I really know how to handle these things. Even though teaching is stressful and it's hard to always put on a smile and be enthusiastic when I teach, it's also good for me because my mind is occupied by the 1 million things I have to do or the math I am teaching that day. It's sad that work has to be my escape though.

I'm just so confused about a lot of things currently. I hate the unknown. I hate not being in control. I hate uncertainty. I hate wishy-washy personalities. I hate inconsistency. I hate instability. Seriously a quarter life crisis going on. Trying to just make it through for the time being until hopefully it passes just like these feelings passed a few years ago. 

So...if I'm distant or kind of down in the dumps lately...this is why. I have a LOT on my mind. A lot of decisions here and there to make. Some that I don't want to make, but that need to happen in order to make some improvements. I need for me to be happier...that's it. 

looking for a change...i guess?

I don't know what's come over me lately, but I'm not one to usually like big changes. However, I've been somewhat longing for a big change. It's scary to be honest. I think I'm just so fed up with some things. I don't feel satisfied. I mean, I appreciate what I do have, what I've learned, and for the opportunities I've come across. Even with all this though, I don't feel satisfied and complete. It's almost like I've been longing for this feeling of "being complete" for so long now. It's a void I can't seem to fill and I'm not exactly sure what or who would make this void go away or when that would even occur. I'm the type of person who gets attached to anything I care about, have good memories of/with, feel comfortable with and so it's hard for me to let go. I've always said, I want to stay in Gwinnett forever. Scratch that, I've been convinced I wanted to stay in Lawrenceville just because I felt comfortable and comfortable makes me at ease/feel safe. 
But something has changed with me lately...
I've had this thought of leaving Georgia. At first it was just a, "Maybe I'll go to a different state for a month in the summer" type of thought. Now, it's starting to become a, "Maybe I should just move to another state & go to college", like I've wanted to ever since I've graduated from West GA. When I would say that I wanted to stay in Gwinnett, I also stated the the only other place I'd probably move to is Florida. However, I was just looking up schools not only in Florida, but in Tennessee, North Carolina, and even California. 
Like a month ago, things would have been different. I am not exactly sure what's changed, but I'm starting to feel different.
Plus, my agent who was helping me look for homes to purchase in Gwinnett accepted another job, so it's almost more of a reason. I don't have to be held down by anything and if I have the opportunity to do something, I guess I should probably do it. I wouldn't want to regret it later on, but it's still scary. Most of what is scary to me though is just the money issue and being away from my sister if she goes to dental school in a different state away from me. 

There's times where I just want to escape it all honestly. College was when I was the happiest, learned the most, and grew the most. I feel like I'm at a plateau for some reason. I want to meet new people around my age, in the same boat as me, and in the same point in their lives. I just want to leave everything else behind and kind of start fresh. I don't feel connected to anyone anymore. I feel secluded. I feel left behind. I feel forgotten. I feel like I don't belong. I don't fit in. I feel lonely in all aspects, even if I'm constantly around people. I'm not trying to sound like an a-hole, but I'm honestly just at the point where I want to say "forget it", pack my stuff, & start a new journey/adventure somewhere else with different people and different situations. 
Maybe this is just a short phase I'm going through; I don't know, but I think there's A LOT of things that have pushed me to this point over the past 2 years. 
I guess I'm just keeping my options more open then they were before...I've literally spent the majority of my life trying to be as selfless as I can be and by making everyone else happy, that I feel like maybe it's time I find more happiness for myself. I don't want to change that part of me; I think we need more selfless people, but I've just run thin. I think maybe a big change could help me find that happiness for myself and fill that void I can't ignore...

I don't know...

Work Hard, Play Hard!

Been a while since I've posted & figured I'd give an update on my life. 

So I survived. I made it through my first year (well mid-year) of teaching 8th grade math. It's weird to think I went from being SO against teaching middle school to landing a job in 8th grade. CRAZY how things work out like that huh?! I'm not going to lie; it was very challenging at times especially given the circumstances. I came in mid-year, no experience with middle school (since I got an early childhood degree), AND my first year teaching.Oh and I must mention I had the lowest level of math in the whole 8th grade for general education. I am not kidding, there were days I had 3 meetings. I was always running somewhere! I had a lot of special education students that were in my co-taught classes, so I had to attend their IEP, RTI, SST, & 504 meetings. Wow I've learned more about that stuff than I probably ever could have in college. Oh and I did NOT know that the last week of school was so stressful for teachers, especially teachers who have to transition students to high school. So much paperwork, official records, running here & there, contacting parents, summer school, retention, CRCT scores, checklists, & the list goes on.
See what I mean when I say "very challenging"? So to make myself think more positively when things were tough, I would think that if I could survive this and do well, then I can definitely start off fresh in August and it'll be much easier. 
There were times I was up at 1 AM grading/lesson planning, drove home crying of frustration, felt defeated because I didn't know what to do, & had to ask 1 million questions to all my coworkers. Luckily I had an AMAZING support team. I couldn't have asked to work with a better group of people. My mentor teacher was the gifted teacher across the hall and I am so glad she was so willing to always help me. Unfortunately and fortunately she got a position at a high school. I say unfortunately because I'll really miss her. She was a great teacher to rely on and had such a positive, helpful, and caring attitude. Fortunately though, her leaving probably opened up a position for me because I was kind of in a limbo point for a bit. Contracts were being sent out, but I got the talk of "we want to keep you, but it's all about numbers". So I wasn't sure if I'd even have a job after July. Luckily I got a contract and I will be teaching 8th grade math again next school year. This time the level will be mixed kind of like a college prep high school course. So, I'm really excited because now I can have more time to think about how I want my classroom to be run and look, and not have to rush with lesson plans, and just start on a clean slate. I have a lot of confidence in myself when it comes to this because I know I'll work hard. My students this year seemed to like me for the most part, but behavior was typically bad. This was extremely frustrating to me because I just wanted to teach! However, I had some great students who worked really hard and appreciated me. I loved getting e-mails from parents saying "thank you for helping her do better in math" or students coming up to me saying, "those games help me understand math, we should do more". It made me so happy to know I made a small difference. My students were overall really funny though. I guess having a 23 year old teacher made them think I was "one of them" so they would always talk music, sports, pop culture, & life with me. It was pretty interesting I must say!
So the wonderful thing that I am extra thankful about is...SUMMER VACATION! I still get a regular paycheck as usual and basically 2 months off. It's a great feeling. I was going to work my old preschool job for summer camp if they had any positions just for extra money, but it turns out they don't have anything currently. This is fine with me, because it gives me time to relax, hang at the pool, hang with friends, go out, rest, think, plan stuff for the next school year, etc. For the past 5 months I've felt like everyday was on rush/hurry mode, so it's nice to step back from that and not have to be like, "ok, what's next?" every 10 minutes.
I've had a lot of great things occur at the end of 2012 and so far in 2013. It was like a series of FORTUNATE events! It's still unbelievable to me actually. I got a brand new car with my own money in February which I absolutely LOVE! I recently got pre-approved for a loan so I can hopefully buy a town home/small house this summer. Going to PCB, Florida in 1 week with some great and hilarious friends. I've done a lot of fun and new things. I've stuck to a workout plan and I've pushed myself more than I set out to do originally, but I see/feel results and it's very motivating.
Of course there's moments where I still over think things and feel down, but I'm usually okay once I snap out of those moments. I just have to realize that I can always rely on myself at the end of the day. People let you down, situations let you down, the world lets you down. However, if I know that at the end of the day I put forth my effort and got results to achieve what I wanted, then everything will be fine. I can look past all the other crap that sometimes fills my head and brings me down. I'm 23 and I feel pretty accomplished so far, but I'm not done of course. My ultimate goal is to be pretty much completely dependent upon myself, so I'm working hard to get to that place soon! :)

Supportive Relationships

I was downstairs eating dinner and the T.V. was on so I heard about Valerie Harper (actress) who has terminal brain cancer in which doctors gave her a 3-month window to live. The segment talked about how her husband has handled it and how he's been so supportive since day one. The camera kept panning over to the husband watching her while she was being interviewed. The look in his eyes was something hard to describe and even see. I got teary-eyed because I could just see the love and admiration he had for his wife and to me, seeing that is so rare. It's hard for me to be a believer in lasting relationships because I feel like in most cases they fall apart because people screw it up. So seeing the expression he had spoke so many words about his genuine love for her. 

So this led me to some thoughts I've had before...

I sometimes think about things like, "what do I want in a relationship?" besides the obvious like honesty, trust, love, etc. Usually I get to thinking that one big thing I'd want is to have a mutually, super supportive relationship. I'm not talking about supportive like, "Yes, I support your idea" or "I support your goals/decisions/ambitions/etc." I'm talking about both the people in the relationship lift each other up, motivate each other, keep each other going, remind each other of the goal that is at the end of all the stress & hard work, and bring each other up when one is feeling down or losing hope. And it can't just be about talk, it  has to be shown. I just feel that in a relationship, you should be your significant other's biggest fan and supporter. It's almost like a team effort. One person has the assist, while the other person gets the shine for the shot and vice versa. You both help each other out. I think in order for it to work, it can't be a one-way street; it has to be mutual. I don't know, that's just me. I just know this is something I find admirable in couples and it's something I'd want in a relationship and something I'd hold up on my part of the relationship as well.

Battles vs. The War

I've felt really overwhelmed and have had a lot on my mind today. For example, I just want to go back to college and then I'm thinking like "what's wrong with me?" I just got a new full time, salary job in January and already I think of my next step, but that's how I am. I've said it before, but I can never stop. I can't settle. When I get somewhere, my mindset is automatically like, "Ok, what's next?" It's not that things are crappy for me right now, because they aren't. Things have been pretty great for me this year because of my hard work and determination. I got a big girl job and got a new car all with my own money. All these big changes are coming at me since graduating college last April. With all this, I still get those moments of feeling bummed because I want more and I want it right now. I don't mean that I just want it all handed to me; I'll work hard for it, but I just want to figure it all out and do it NOW! Realizing it doesn't work that way gets frustrating, especially after days like today. 
Then I had an epiphany in the shower (where I usually have epiphanies). I thought about how there are many battles you have to face in life, some worse than others. You have to deal with those battles and fight in them, and you'll lose some, but what's important is winning the war. The battles helped strengthen you and prepare you for the big war. So yes, I may lose a lot of battles in life, but I am damn certain I am going to win the war. 

Therefore, I was reminded of why I shouldn't really be too worried because of a conversation I had with my dad. When I was graduating college and wasn't sure what path I was going to be on next, I told my dad that I know I'll be successful because of my determination/hard work/drive/focus/motivation, but I just want to be at that point now or know how to get to that ultimate happiness. And my dad said, "So, if you know that you'll be successful, then why are you worried?" So after feeling kind of down today, I reminded myself of that conversation I had almost a year ago with my dad. If I know I'll get far based on my personality traits, then I should just keep doing what I'm doing and have faith in myself. 
I will win the war. There's no other option in my book.

I survived AND I'm a workaholic maybe?!

So I officially completed my first week as an 8th grade teacher and I survived WITHOUT even crying! Plus, let's add on the fact that I came in mid-year! People always tell stories about crying their first week in August because it's so overwhelming, but I feel pretty good. I'm still very overwhelmed and mentally exhausted. I think my brain has reached capacity and is on information overload right now. I don't even know where to start...

I've gone in early (between 7:00-7:30AM) each day this week and I've stayed until between 5:00-5:45PM. I don't have to be there until 8:15AM & I can leave at 4:30PM, but I've realized I'm such a type-A person, that I need to have everything in order, organized, neat, & prepared. Which might be a big part as to why I'm so overwhelmed. I've had to learn a lot of info in a short period of time especially being a mid-year teacher. Even when I get home from work, I go into my sister's room (since she's not home, I've made it like my office when I get home), sit at the little table and plan lessons, grade papers, figure teacher stuff out, etc. I honestly don't stop planning or think about teaching until I go to bed. Maybe it's because it's still taking me time to get into the flow of things, but I am trying to plan really good lessons that will engage my students. My brain is literally MUSH right now, like even typing this I can't think straight--no joke. I wanted to come home today & work on finishing all my stuff so I could enjoy my weekend & be done with it, but I am no use right now-haha!
I was thinking, I need to work on being quicker with my planning and try to do it primarily AT SCHOOL, not home. I do get a planning period of one hour, but sometimes I have meetings or have to run errands. I just hope I can quickly get more into the groove of things, however I feel like I've done awesome considering the circumstances. So yea maybe I'm somewhat of a workaholic; it's because I'm too determined I guess. So I really need to work on controlling that.Then again, I was also thinking maybe it's a good thing because it's not like I have any other commitments besides my pets honestly. Although it's mentally exhausting, it keeps my mind busy which is something I definitely need. If my mind is too free, then I think way too much about things I don't really want on my mind. Anyway, that's a different story. I don't mind working really hard, it's how I've always been. I just want to feel less overwhelmed and mentally exhausted. I'm also starting to get sick, so that probably doesn't help.

As far as the class goes, it appears that most of them like or LOVE me haha! They even state it. One kid even said, "You're too nice to be a teacher!" (There we go again with me being too nice...) I guess teachers are supposed to be mean all the time?!  Some of the students are really sweet to me and say really nice things. There are some that just melt my heart because of how quiet they are, how hard they try, and how engaged they are. They are the ones that make it worth it. I came in early today to do a review with any students who needed help before the math test they had today. The teacher across the hallway saw one of my students coming down the hall and asked him why he was at school so early and he told her, "My teacher is nice and is going to help me review for the math test." I was just like "AWWWW" when she told me. When I did my lesson plans and review games this week, a lot of the kids said things made sense the way I explained it and they felt more confident. However, the test results today were not what I wanted in general. That was the only moment I really felt like crying. It just sucks when I can't transfer my energy and motivation to other people. I feel like I try so hard for it to be contagious. I try to show my students that I care about them and their future. I show this by working HOURS on great lesson plans even though I'm sick and super tired. I come in early and stay late to help them and to plan. I am willing to try whatever I can to help them, even if I have 120 total students. So, it's just kind of saddening when I see a carefree attitude or the "I give/gave up"! I hope throughout the semester I can help with some of that. I just have a bleeding heart and feel like I can solve everything and help everyone. It's another part of the overwhelming feeling because I get let down when I realize that's not realistic. I can only do so much I guess.

Anyway, I work with some awesome people. EVERYONE I've met, whether they are a math teacher or not and even teachers from different grades have come up to me and asked if I needed help, materials, advice, or to vent that I could come to them. I'm glad to be around a supportive group of people. Makes me feel a little more at ease. I absolutely LOVE having my own classroom. It's still surreal when I use my key to unlock the door. Today my name banner got put up in front of my door and so now it looks real official! I also FINALLY got my important employee ID number & my county laptop. I was having to submit attendance manually everyday & had no way to log in to computers, so that was another challenge to face. I even had an IEP meeting & the students had an 8th grade writing test. Whew! Talk about overwhelming.
I honestly don't think people know how much a GOOD teacher has to do in a day. Like just follow one of us around 1 day & see how tired you'll be. I just want to sleep good, have fun, & relax for a bit.
BUT, I'm going to a Big Sister meeting for Big Brothers, Big Sisters of ATL tomorrow morning. After that though, I'm going to see my best friend forever (my sister) to stay with her for the night. I'm excited! I miss her and I love catching up with her. She's the one person I can truly count on & who understands me. I guess we'll have a 2  hour work sesh so she can do homework/study and I can plan with a normal functioning brain...I hope!

Anyway, I'm glad with how things are going and I think the good stuff will continue with my determination and by sticking to my goals list for the year!

my dad: a self-made man

I have an interesting relationship with my dad. In so many ways we are totally different. We have different views on things, different personality traits, & different ways of responding to things. However, I've realized I also have a lot of traits I got from him. We aren't as close as we used to be, but we are a different type of close now. Now it's like when we talk, it's all grown-up business like him giving me advice about "big girl"stuff. Lately we've been talking about IRA investment accounts, insurance, careers, mortgages, relationships in general, etc. I wish we could be closer, but I don't know maybe it's just not the right time. Maybe (and hopefully) in the future as things settle down a little and us two girls grow up some more, we'll be closer again. But for now, I cherish these serious talks I have with my dad even if all that information is overwhelming. 
Tonight we had some family friends over and got to talking about those serious topics all together and then it ended up with just my dad and me discussing those serious topics. I guess I partially knew this, but sometimes just hearing more of what my dad handles without hardly ever seeming upset or stressed and knowing where he came from to where he is now, just shocks me. 
My dad lost both his parents by the time he was 18 years old. He graduated high school without his parents in Iran and that was it. He had even been kidnapped and placed at gunpoint until he gave the guys all his money. He can vividly tell you the story. Iran had a Revolution at the time, so he escaped on horse back. Went to Italy for a bit, and then ventured to America at the young age of 22. I'm 23 currently and to imagine going through all this ALONE, escaping in fear, and coming to some place where everything is unknown and English NOT being your first language is totally insane. He worked for basically nothing in New York. Had 3 jobs and was sometimes working 70 hours a week to support us. He told me tonight that when he bought the house we currently live in that he paid $40,000 in cash from what he had saved up. My jaw dropped because I was like "how is that even possible?" My dad is seriously smart especially when it comes to finances. My dad busted his ass and worked hard all his life on HIS OWN! He was telling me, you just have to be smart with your expenses. He currently has 26 bills he pays monthly, 26 bills! How do you even keep up with that? He has NEVER missed a payment and his credit score shows it. He said something like, "See, I paid that money, I bought 3 houses, I bought 4 cars, I paid 4 insurances, I put/am putting my 2 daughters through school (partially), and we still have gone on vacations pretty much every year." Let me remind you, that my dad had basically no guidance, barely any money, and no college degree when he came to America. Sometimes he says things like, "I wish I could make more money or do more," and I tell him ,"Dad, given your circumstances you should be really proud of yourself." There are people who are given everything and have so many opportunities and still aren't where he's at.
So although our relationship is kind of an odd one, I can say I truly respect my dad and look up to him in many ways.  Even with all that he may have going on, he still pushes forward and is always positive. I'm glad to have a dad who has worked hard, made it to where he is on his own, & continues to thrive for more and never settle. My talks with him about this stuff always encourages me to work for more and have those same traits.

Taking Risks & Making Changes...

I definitely try not to hold on to the negative past events, but I realized that exactly 2 years ago today my heart was shattered, my mind was lost, I was so low that I didn't know how I was ever going to make it through nor did I really want to. Now fast forward to the events that occurred today... I started a HUGE new chapter in my life. I am officially an 8th grade math teacher with my very own classroom! So ironic right? It's still so very surprising to me that I have handled things with so much strength. I don't feel that extreme pain when I think back, I don't dwell on those dates anymore, I don't linger on those thoughts/feelings. Like I've said before, it will NEVER be okay and it'll always have some affect on my mindset. That's just how things work. However, that event did not break me as a person. It almost did, but I made it through. And now look; I'm on to bigger and better things. I worked hard and put forth a lot of dedication to get to where I am now. And I'm definitely not stopping anytime soon if ever! I've begun to realize that my hunger for more is almost scary at times, but it keeps me moving forward. 

Ever since last year I wanted to work on being a more fearless person. It takes a lot of convincing and believing in yourself, but I think I've gotten rid of the fear that held me back before. Yes, I get nervous about things. I still experience serious anxiety moments at times. However, it's not fear. I took the step by getting certified to teach math. I was stressing big time about failing the test, but I passed. I even questioned if was even worth taking the test. Obviously it was worth it because I landed a job about 2 months later. Then I got to interviews, which I was happy to even get a chance. Then the email saying I got the job. I was in such shock.  I took risks & am making changes. I accepted a position working with 8th graders without any middle school teaching experience, as a first year teacher, AND mid-year (let's not forget that Spring semester is the standardized testing season!). I was thinking, "Wow, I am crazy! Given all these challenges, I'm still up for it & ready to take it head on!" Yes, it's overwhelming. Yes, it's going to be stressful at first. Yes, I'm going to have my work cut out for me. Yes, I'm going to be a zombie some days. Yes, I'll probably feel confused or frustrated occasionally. However, instead of being afraid I thought, "Well, if THEY knew that I never even did student teaching in middle school, am a first year teacher, and that it's the middle of the year, AND they STILL want to hire me, then they must have a lot of faith in me to do well. Therefore, I should have faith in myself because I know my work ethic and determination." So, it's risky, but you can't go your whole life being afraid. Some risks you have to take as a challenge.

If you know me well, you know I absolutely love horoscopes and I think generally they hold true. Well around New Years I read my year overview horoscope (Scorpio--http://shine.yahoo.com/horoscope/scorpio/overview-yearly-2013.html) and it mentioned how this was a time of death & rebirth for Scorpio. Basically getting rid of certain aspects of me or my life & then experiencing transformation. It seems like a lot of aspects are starting to change in my life (in a positive way). This career is a big one like I said before, but I feel it's just the beginning. It's going to snowball into more positive and big changes. I like where this is going so far...

Pressure makes Diamonds. (I still live by that and always will)

*P.S. I might include teacher updates while still keeping with the normal flow of my blog, just for family or friends who might be interested AND of course for me to look back at in the future. So, my teaching update for today goes as follows (might be kind of random updates): I didn't officially start teaching today. My official start date is January 22nd. Today I met the teacher that is leaving, met my students, met a bunch of staff, obtained a BOAT load of information (about grading, behavior, meetings, policies, teaching tips, who to go to for what, schedules, & so much more), & got acquainted with my classroom! :D I can't wait to spruce it up & add my own touch. The kids REALLY loved the present teacher, some were even crying to find out that he was leaving. So, it looks like I have big shoes to fill. It's all VERY overwhelming. I have a lot to soak in, but once I get in the routine of how things work I think it should smooth out. All the staff that I met seemed so supportive and offered to help me and guide me. I will be working 8:15-4:30. Oh and I really realized how tiny I am today. Not kidding 90% of them are taller than me. While walking in the hallway during transitions I kind of blend it with the crowd (haha), could be good & bad! I hope they'll like me and that I help them succeed because I am definitely going to dedicate a majority of my time & thoughts to this career/my students. Stay tuned for more! :)

My Dedication...

When do I not have a lot of thoughts on my mind? Lately though, it's been almost unbearable. My mind is at a million miles per hour and I'm struggling with keeping up. My heart and head are conflicting, I am not sure what to feel, what to think, what to look for in life, and feeling emptiness and uncertainty again. I just need to get it out...
So, to start this off, this is going to be a long blog post and if you read it, then kudos to you. I do this blog for myself, but I share it so maybe others around me can understand me or maybe even relate.
I go through these moments in life where I question my worth, my point in living, my own "purpose". And trust me when I say I have a high intrapersonal intelligence, meaning I am very conscious of my thoughts and my personality. Some people are very interpersonal and are great with others, I'm great with myself. So, when I say things like I question my worth and point of living, it's not because I want pity. It's not because I want to be dead. It's because I have this longing to do so much, be so much, and go so far. I can't just go by in life. I can't experience this empty, unfulfilled feeling my whole life. I'm trying to seek what will make that emptiness go away. What will make me feel fulfilled at the end of my life, whenever that is? 
So driving home today, I had the thought, "I'm dedicating my life to one thing and one thing only...doing good." And this is most definitely not because I want to go to some perfect place when I die. I could care less what happens after I die, because that's unknown. What I do know is that I'm here on this Earth, living this life now and I want to chase down whatever makes me happiest. To some people that's love or falling in love, but not me. I've basically given up on that and try so hard not to care about that at all anymore. Then I think though, "Wow, I have so much love to give. I have so much care and so much about me is selfless. All of that love, and all of that care will just go to waste at the end of it all." Which to me is a shame and it actually bothers me. 

Believe it or not, but I swear this is how I feel. I have a deep desire to make others happy (some more than others). I always want to give. I always want to make someone's day. I always want to be there fore someone who might feel at their lowest point even if I'm not that close to them. I always want to surprise people. I always want to do kind gestures or offer whatever help I can. 

I guess it's some nurturing part that's always invested in me. I promise I've tried SO hard to get rid of it. I sometimes hate it because so many people don't appreciate it, realize it, hardly show any concern back, wouldn't EVER be there for me, wouldn't even think about how they could show care for me. People say "Oh, you're too nice" like it's a bad thing, well okay maybe it is somewhat. However, I'd rather be too nice of a person than too mean of a person, even if it means people take it for granted. It's what makes me happy. If I were to be on my death bed, I could look back and be proud that I made someone's day or I helped them get through something or I was there for them when no one else was and to me that's what I want in my life.
It'd be awfully nice if there were more people like me in this world or at least in my life, but sadly I've been lied to, forgotten, ignored, avoided, pushed away, used, unappreciated, & taken granted by MANY people. And no I don't just mean regular people, by some of my "good" friends and with relationships. Perhaps if you're reading this you might have actually been one of those people and you don't even realize it because it's your selfish thinking that gets in the way.
Yet, I STILL want to give and do good for people and the world. You would think after all of this I would be callous and bitter. I go through moments where I'm like "Forget this, I don't want to care about anyone anymore." Then I completely contradict myself and go right back. I just CAN'T do it. I can't get out of this. It's who I am and it's who I like to be.

So my life for now on is dedicated to doing good while I'm on this Earth because I believe that will help me fill that emptiness I've felt from other situations and get to that place where I feel fulfilled.

Never settle for less.

My dad has always instilled in me the idea of always doing more and "never settle for less". He's taught me that some people get comfortable with where they are at even though ideally it's not where they want to be. These people feel forever stuck like they can't do more for his or herself when that's usually not true. He taught me to not just live life by "getting by" because that's really not living if you think about it.  

So a few things have kept looking up in my life. I got hired at a job that is related to my degree. Worked two jobs & then recently got promoted to full time, so I was able to quit the former job. This is my first full time 9-6 job with 40 hours a week, paid holidays, and best part...WEEKENDS OFF! So even though I recently got this promotion & am still new at this job, I never want to just settle. I feel that I personally can always do more, accomplish more, & get further. So about two months ago I was contemplating if I should take the Math GACE in October. It cost $165 for two tests, I only had one month to study, and it had a LOT of math that I haven't done recently or haven't done EVER! However, I was thinking that if I did pass both parts I could be certified to teach math for K-12 and that would open up a lot more doors for me. I was so stressed & confused while studying. Seriously wasn't even hopeful that I'd pass the two tests; I mean I even took all 4 hours to test & didn't even finish some parts. I was so shocked when yesterday I check my e-mail & see that not only have I passed one tests, but I passed BOTH!! I felt so relieved & accomplished. I got that difficult task off my checklist. Now I just have to apply to high school jobs since ideally I'd like to teach high school algebra or trig. 
BUT, I still feel like every time I get to one marker in my life it's just a stepping stone to the next one I want to reach. See I am different from a lot of people because I don't want to just settle because things are decent or comfortable. If I know I can do more, then I'm going to push myself to the limit. So I'm already thinking about my next marker, how I can get there & how my current marker can help me get there.

I set standards & expectations for myself pretty high, but I believe they are realistic so I am not let down. It is so motivating when you accomplish a goal you desired to reach. This feeling in return allows you to accomplish yet another goal & the cycle keeps on going...

contradictions.

Maybe it's just the simple fact that I will never truly understand people. Maybe it's the fact that I don't get or even trust people's intentions anymore. Maybe it's because I'm tired of the same crap. Maybe because almost everyone thinks everything is a damn game. Maybe it's because all I feel like I really have is myself. Maybe it's because the majority of people I come across are highly obsessed with them self and completely selfish, when I'm the complete opposite. Maybe because I was always told, "actions speak louder than words, actions speak louder than words," like my words were never and would never be good enough, but if there is one person's word you can trust, then it's definitely mine. Other people on the other hand...not so much. It puts me in this confused state as whether to give people the benefit of the doubt and take their word. A LOT of people are just a bunch of talk with nothing to back it up. Maybe it's because I've been done with proving myself to people because THEY can't open their eyes. It's not my job or responsibility to help you see what you can't notice. I need consistency. I can usually tolerate quite a bit, but I really don't have much patience for anything less anymore before I say "DONE".

 

it's not right, but it's okay.

I really should be studying for my Math GACE that I have to take in 2 weeks, but I got stuck on teaching myself how to find the antiderivative for a function, so here I am. 

I was just thinking back on things that have occurred in my life and how they made me feel. And I'm finally at the point where I can say "I don't care anymore" and that's the weirdest thing because even when people told me I'd get to this point, I was SO persistent on them being wrong. BUT I was actually wrong, because here I am and I'm definitely okay! Now in no way do I forget what happened or how I felt and I can't say "oh yea I'm perfectly fine with everything" because that's not true. I can never erase any pain I have felt in the past or how that has affected my thinking now. However, I can look back and just be okay. Just like Whitney Houston's song "It's not right, but it's okay...I'm gonna make it anyway". All that happened wasn't right, it never will be and yea that sucks, but it's okay and I am making it. AND I will continue to make it through anything else. 
My attitude has really just changed to a whole "I really don't care anymore" type, surprisingly! I'm done with all that crap honestly. I'm done with caring (in this sense). Deep inside, I know I'm good with me and that's a lot better than what most people can say.
It's just such a heavy burden off my shoulders to just not care anymore, to not let those feelings or thoughts hurt me or have a hold on me anymore. 

I never, ever, ever thought I'd get to this point. Even if I talked/thought about this point in the past, it was just a way for me to try and be hopeful so that I would make it through, but...

Here I am. And here I'll stay. 
:)

& really i think i like who i'm becoming.

Do you ever look back to reflect upon yourself and how you have changed? I feel that not many people take the time to realize how they've changed, because it kind of just happens with time. It's just a given that everyone changes. When you're younger, you plan out like your whole life...I'm going to have this career, live there, be married by this age, and have kids by this age. And as you grow up you realize that's not reality. It's nice to have an idea of where you're going and where you want to go in life, but having every single detail planned especially according to time just isn't realistic. Of course, it takes time to realize that. If you would've asked me 5 years ago about where I would see myself now at the age of almost 23 (woah! sounds SO weird), I definitely wouldn't have imagined this at all (for the most part at least). Sometimes that can be overwhelming to accept, but lately I've found myself okay with things "going with the flow". I've finally realized that I can't control ever aspect in my life as much as want to. I can't control others' actions and feelings. I can't control time or some events in life. However, I can control how I handle those events and my own thoughts/feelings. I can either A) choose to let it get me down, frustrate me, and stop me or B) accept it, even if I don't like it, and keep going. Choice B might take more strength and be more difficult, however it'll lead to a more positive/healthy life. 
I guess it's easy for me to reflect on my past self compared to my current self because I've kept personal summer journals (not a blog, a private hand-written journal) since I was 15. Sometimes I read them and I think, "What the hell was I thinking?" It's somewhat funny, but I suppose it's all a learning process and helped me grow to where I am now and much more importantly where I'm going because there's always room for personal growth. With this whole Facebook Timeline thing I have been able to go look at old posts. I was so angry and shut down a few years ago. Now, I'm totally different. I've almost always been positive about most things in life, but people and situations made me fume with anger. It was stupid now that I think about it. Why was I like that?! I still hold in a lot of anger at times, but I've done so much better with letting it go and moving on. Sometimes the emotion of anger is not worth it. I've said before how my strength during some situations in my life has really surprised me, but I also surprise myself with my attitude and how I handle things now. 

I used to feel so afraid and like I had absolutely no control over anything in my life. That if things didn't go as I had wanted or planned, then life was basically pointless. I just see things so much differently now. At the end of the day, if things don't go as planned, bad events occur, or people I really care about/love let me down, then I still and always will have myself. I've realized, that's enough. Some people can't even say they have that or never will be able to say they have that, so that makes me feel content. 
I will still get upset, angry, hurt, or frustrated every now and then because I am human, but I now see it's okay and it'll be okay. 
It's very reassuring to be able to rely on yourself.

"Really, I think I like who I'm becoming."

honesty.

I feel that honesty or lack thereof has been a reoccurring issue. I guess everyone finds it so difficult to be honest. But I wish people could just be honest with me, even if it's something that may bother me or upsets me...I'd much rather have the truth. If I could be, I would be completely open and honest with everyone. However, I feel that people get so easily offended and take things the wrong way so it's almost impossible. For me on the other hand, I'd much rather prefer someone to approach me about something they feel, think, believe, etc. If I do something wrong at work, if I offend someone by what I say, if I hurt someone's feelings, if I'm not doing something correctly, if I annoy you, or if something is wrong, then just tell me. As long as you say it in a kind and polite manner, then please tell me! I'd much rather know what the deal is so I can correct it. How can I become a better person with work, relationships, friendships, etc if no one is ever honest with me? That's why I always tell people to be honest with me. That's why I always ask people, "does that offend you?", "did I do that right?", "is everything okay?" I don't just ask those questions just to ask. I truly mean it and I want an HONEST answer. You could hate everything I do and yea it might suck to hear that, but if you at least say it in a mature and polite way, then that's fine. Thanks for being honest. And I really DON'T want to hear something a year later or even a few weeks later. You better tell me how you feel the moment you feel it, because I don't do that whole, "oh yea I was mad a few weeks ago because..." or "I started feeling this way about a year ago..." (like what the hell is that anyway?!) especially if I constantly ask people to be honest with me. That will surely piss me off. Everyone knows I hardly get mad at people and I can contain myself pretty well, but I can only be pushed so far...

I'm tired of people lying to me. I've caught your lies. I'm not an idiot, just so you know. I play like I don't know what's going on, but I know. Trust me, just because I'm quiet and civil, doesn't mean I don't have thoughts. In fact because I am quiet and so observant, I am able to notice all these petty little things. I'm tired of stories being made up. I'm tired of people avoiding things because they can't brave up and be honest. I'm tired of damn excuses. I'm tired of people doing this crap and acting like everything is peachy keen. It's not. It's NOT okay for you to treat someone like myself this way. I'm tired of people taking advantage of my selfless personality. It's a shame on you. I'm tired of people not just coming to me and talking things out with me. Is it that hard?
I swear some people are lucky I'm still in their lives and still kind to them. I question if some people even deserve it. One day when everyone else screws you over, I might not be around and then you'll realize it.

It's not me; it's you.

I go through these stages where I think, "Is it me? Is there something I'm doing wrong? What's wrong with me? Am I not worthy enough?". And honestly, those thoughts are kind of painful. I'm starting to come to the realization though, that it's not me. I'm not saying that everything I do is perfect and that nothing about me needs to change, but I do not think I am really and truly the problem. 

It's just extremely difficult to grasp why people find it okay to be hurtful to others especially when those others are good people. How do you find that acceptable? How do you live with yourself knowing thinking that is okay? 

I've always been a giving person. It's who I am. It's in my blood. It's one of the traits I really like about myself because it truly shows how selfless I typically am. I guess people take advantage of that. I guess people think it's okay to walk over the "nice guy". When I would talk to others about being giving and people not appreciating it as much as they should, they would wonder why I am this way. They'd be like "Why don't you ask him to pay you back?" or "You should confront her about it". 

My response to all that is, if you can truly live with yourself knowing that you treat genuinely kind people in this manner, then that just shows how you are as a person. I'll have my pride and dignity knowing that I was the true person who loved unconditionally and who really meant what I said. While you on the other hand have some MUCH larger issues to deal with.

So instead of me thinking of all the things that could be wrong with me in order for people to be so inconsiderate to me, I have finally noticed that the problem might just be within those certain people. 

I just have to let go because obviously you did a long time ago.  

why do i care so much?

I go through random moments where I question myself. I think, "why in the world do I care so much about others when I also have such a negative view on humanity in general?" One big reason I truly love animals over anything in this world is because humans are very messed up in my opinion. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions and says, "Well that's stupid, because you're a human!", get this... I know that I am human and like everyone else; I make mistakes. I don't believe that every human is inadvertently evil and hateful, but the majority of humans are. I have seen and felt it myself. I've seen people be so hurtful to others that it's unbelievable. It's as if people get enjoyment out of pushing others so far down. Even I, the person who basically is a pessimist about society and dislikes a majority of humans, have one of the kindest hearts to pretty much ANYONE I come in contact with. 

So I get confused as to why I'm like this. Why do I even care to be so friendly, helpful, and even give people the benefit of the doubt when I know most likely that person wouldn't do half the stuff I'd do for them? I think one way I've answered that question is by realizing that I still have a very small, yet strong bit of hope left in me. (I know that sounded like a contradiction!) I think maybe, just maybe my selflessness, kindness, and caring attitude will be contagious. Maybe that one person who I helped out or smiled at or complimented or went out of my way for will be inspired to do the same for someone else. Maybe some bit of frustration, hatred, and rudeness will dissipate because I did something they did not expect just out of the kindness of my heart. I really don't expect to be honored or gratified, although a simple "thank you" would be nice at times. Believe it or not, the amount of people (including "grown men") can't even say "thanks" while I'm waiting a long time to hold the door for them. 

This is exactly why I am OVERLY appreciative and surprised when people do nice things especially strangers. It's sad that it's a surprise when people do good things. It shouldn't be, yet so many people in this world are selfish. I am constantly thinking of others who I've never even met. And no, it's not me just laying in bed at night saying, "Oh I feel bad for the children in Africa, I pray they will be okay." I'm always thinking about what I can I do for this particular group or for this person or I imagine how happy someone would be for doing an act of kindness. Just thinking about that and their appreciation makes me happy.

And although animals can't actually say "thank you", I can tell that they appreciate the attention, care, and love they get from me. Some people will never, ever understand that and that's too bad for you. However, I have and always will feel this connection and appreciation from them. So this is why I like them so much more than humans. Humans, on the other hand, are a whole other story when it comes to appreciation or kindness.

And you know what, it's so hard to be an overly caring person in such a society that has so many hateful and cruel people. It's not that it's difficult to possess those traits (I don't think it's hard to be a genuinely good person), but I think it's hard on people who are overly caring when they realize how many times humanity lets them down. It almost gets to the point of saying "why should I care anymore?" It takes so much strength to realize you can't expect everyone to be like you and that even though you remember someone's birthday or you go out of your way to help someone out, that the chances of them appreciating you like you would appreciate them are very slim. 

It's a sad reality I come across way too many times, but for now I'll continue to be how I am because that's exactly how I think I should be.

old poetry.

So I came across some old poetry I wrote a few years ago, that I actually like. It's odd to think that I wrote something that I actually like from so long ago, because usually I look back at things and I'm like "what was I thinking?" So thought I'd share a few!

Ignorance in You

In the darkness lurks ignorance

Hidden in the silence of the soul

Eyes shut and closed minds

With no care to surroundings

Truth is pushed to the side

All that is noticed now are lies

What they see is what they believe

Without really looking into things

Walls are put up for protection

Protection of something harmless

When acceptance diminishes, 

What will be left but your ignorance?

Unknown Feelings

Dear beautiful one, don't start to cry
Please don't flood your beautiful eyes
Wipe away your saddened tears
And let your gorgeous smile appear
Your heart is fragile, I can tell
Inside you feel like your in hell
From this world, you want to hide
Deep down you have no spec of pride
How is it I know what you feel?
These words may seem so unreal
I know because I feel too
These feelings no one ever knew

Summer Memories

Waking up in the exhilarating sunlight
Smiles that could make the corrupt world so right
The crisp calm air after a breathtaking sunrise
Converting to temperatures of sweat and blue skies
Laughing hysterically with the best of friends
Wishing that the summer season would never end
Night appears, nature is tranquil again
Time to reminisce on way back when
The dreams, the adventures, the pleasure
In the end just left with memories of leisure
It is impossible to disregard these recollections
Because they are the days that taught us true affection

**All 3 poems are originally written by me.** LK

So, tell me what you think! :)